space

I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

please don't leave me

I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.

I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.

OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?

understanding

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.

struggling

I've hit a real low point this evening. The lowest I've been in a while. So I figure I should probably try and make sense of it.

I stopped seeing my counsellor, I just didn't turn up to my last appointment. I know I probably should have perservered, but I just found it excruciating talking about the same irrelevant things. I wasn't getting anything from it, and it was just a waste of my time. I'm gonna carry on doing my online CBT though, just because I suppose I may as well.

Things with the Internet guy are weird. It's a whole long pathetic sounding mess, but in short: we met, I wasn't attracted to him, I said we should just be friends, I developed feelings for him, we had sex, I said I didn't want want a relationship, he said he didn't want one either. I saw him this weekend and he kept asking if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, if we were officially together. He admitted he wants a relationship. I like this guy, but I'm not sure if I trust myself at the moment. I keep jumping headfirst into relationships when I have reservations, and I feel like I'm making the same mistakes over and over. I need to learn to be happy with me, not hiding my fears and depression and self-hatred by wrapping myself up in another person. It may be a cliche, but I need time to figure out who I am without someone else defining my self image.

The thing is, I like the way he sees me. He seems to see me as being someone special and beautiful, and I want to be that person. I want to believe that I'm that person. But lets face it, eventually he's going to realise I'm nothing special because that's what always happens, and I'll be straight back to feeling worthless again. Until I run straight into the arms of someone else.

My mother has always drilled it into me that you can't be happy without being in a relationship. I always "knew" that it was ridiculous, that I didn't want to be like that. But I guess I'm more like her than I realised, or want to be.