self image

How would you describe yourself? (in a word or in a short sentence)

I've been asked to fill in this worksheet to do with self esteem and self image by my counsellor, and I'm really struggling with it. One of the questions was "describe your core belief about yourself/your personality" and in the end all I could come up with was "nothing special". Because I can't think what else I am. I don't know who I am.

I've also been asked to write down what I like about myself, and that is a HUGE struggle to answer. I suppose I like to consider myself a compassionate person, but then I still feel like I'm selfish a lot of the time, which causes a lot of guilt. I know everyone has to be selfish sometimes but...I just don't feel like I'm a good person.

So how would you describe yourself? I'm interested to hear what other people would say.

sleep

After having a serious conversation about our past relationships, I told the boy about my depression. Turns out his ex was on antidepressants too. I suppose it's true what they say that mental health problems are more common than you think!

I've done absolutely nothing the last couple of days, I have no energy. It's because my sleeping patterns are completely fucked up - I fell asleep at 4am last night and woke up at 2pm today. I really wanted to go to the Holocaust Memorial Day event in town today as well, I'm so annoyed at myself. I hate being like this. I think if/when I can force myself to get up I'm gonna go into town and get some sleeping pills, I can't carry on like this anymore.

time to change

This campaign is currently running in the UK, and I'm really pleased. It's definitely overdue.

counselling

I didn't end up telling The New Boy about my depression. I am a coward. I was kind of hoping he would see my Citalopram and ask about them - he did see them, but he assumed they were contraceptive pills and I kind of didn't correct him. Oops.

I know I should be honest, I know it's not healthy for our relationship for me to be hiding myself from him, but at the same time I like that he doesn't know about that side of me. I like that around him I'm not the "depressed girl", the fact that he doesn't know encourages me to keep my depressiveness (is that a word?) under wraps. If he knew it would be all too easy to start getting depressed around him, and I don't want to be that person. I've been genuinely happy the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose that.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. It went quite well, but it's unfortunate in a way that I'm not currently in a depressed phase at the moment. I don't think I'm going to get as much out of it as I could do because I am happy at the moment, which is actually a bit annoying! But I've probably jinxed it now, I'm sure I'll slip back into depression next week, ha. My counsellor is quite hot as well, how Freudian is that! But considering a) he's married (I checked out the ring finger) and b) he heard me go on about my relationship issues yesterday, I don't think the feelings will be mutual somehow!

I also have loads of homework to do for my counsellor as well. As if I didn't have enough work to do at the moment! I'm following this online CBT program called Beating the Blues - it's so incredibly cheesy (although my counsellor warned me it would be), at one point it had to type in things that had upset me in the week, and a computerised voice said "that must have been very difficult for you", haha. Oh well, I shall perservere.

the new boy

So, I officially have a boyfriend now.

I'm happy, but the big question is, do I tell him about my depression?

Actually, I know the answer. I know I should tell him. I've had a serious relationship in the past where I hid it, and it didn't do me any good at all. If it freaks him out then it's better to learn that now than to have it constantly hanging over my head through our relationship and causing me to put up a barrier.

I guess I'll be telling him when he comes to visit this weekend, wish me luck.

My laptop is being taken away to be repaired tomorrow so I won't be able to blog for a while, take care everyone and hopefully I'll be back soon.

happy 2009

Apologies for completely neglecting this journal over the last week. The main reason has been the simple fact that for once I've been out actually enjoying my life as opposed to wallowing and overanalysing it.

New Years Eve was a really good night for once. I usually hate New Years - there's so much pressure to have fun and I never actually end up enjoying myself. Sometimes being at a party or club surrounded by people is when I feel most alone. But I ended up having so much fun - I just wish I could feel that alive all the time.

I also have a new boy on the scene. I actually met him online, but we just clicked instantly and got on so well we decided to meet in real life, which we did last night. He's not my normal type at all, which I think is a good thing. He's outgoing and confident and witty, and around him I feel like I can be those things too. I don't feel shy and depressed and insecure, and although I doubt it'll be anything serious I'm really enjoying just having fun for once. I am severely lacking in fun in my life. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to, and then on Sunday I'm off back to uni. I really, really don't want to go back, which is funny because it used to be the exact opposite. I used to get so depressed being at home and count down the days til I could go back to uni, I suppose I'm just feeling the weight of all the work I've got to do now I'm in my final year. But I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to enjoy this brief burst of happiness while it lasts.