Walking towards the light

one year on

2011-06-10T23:53:00.004+01:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last blogged here.

Welsh is currently lying in bed next to me, snoring amusingly loudly, so I guess now's as good a time as any to revisit this blog.

I think the main reason I haven't blogged here in so long is because I consider this to be my depression blog, and for the last year or so I haven't been depressed. That's an amazing (and a bit scary) thing to admit when I look back on how far I've come.

As the above indicates, Welsh and I are still together after a year and a half (my longest relationship to date). I hate gushing and cheesiness, but things are really amazing. To quote a cliche, sometimes someone comes along and makes you realise why things never worked out with anyone else. For starters, he's the kindest and most loyal person I've ever met. He understands me better than anyone else ever has, he knows all my faults and loves me for exactly who I am. In a lot of ways we're incredibly similar, which is both a good and a bad thing. He has depression issues too, which means that when one of us is feeling low the other understands completely and knows exactly what to do to support them. When both of us are feeling low it can be difficult to deal with, and we've had some pretty horrendous arguments just because neither of us has been able to be strong enough to do what needed to be done to help the other person. But ultimately we both know how much we love each other, and that's the most important thing. I never ever ever feel insecure with him, and that's something I've never experienced before.

I'm also nearing the end of my occupational therapy degree, only one more placement to go. I'm still lacking in confidence sometimes, but that's true of all areas of my life. I'm starting to have more self belief than I did, especially since I've recieved really good comments from my supervisors on placement. Reading over old entries, I came across one where I talked about my confidence crisis over the fact that I hadn't made any real friends on the course, and that's still an issue for me. After 2 years I've come out of it with plenty of acquaintances and not one real close friend. I know that it's not necessarily me that's the problem, I know there are plenty of other factors like the fact that I live on the other side of London to everyone I've come close to making real friends with. But it's still a painful realisation. I feel like I've completely forgotten how to make friends, and although my social anxiety isn't anywhere near the levels it used to be, I feel like I've regressed in terms of shyness.

But the most important thing is that my depression and anxiety are nowhere near what they were. Sometimes I have days where I'm pretty low and hopeless, sometimes I have days where thoughts about how boring and friendless I am and how I'll never be a good OT feel overwhelming. But they're just days, as opposed to weeks and months and years like they used to be. And that gives me hope that someday I'll be free of it completely.

i'm fine

2010-07-16T14:46:00.003+01:00

"How are you?"

What I think:

"I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm scared that you don't really know me at all, because if you did you would realise what a worthless piece of shit I am. I'm scared waiting for the day to come that you realise this. I know I'm no fun to be around at the moment and eventually you're just going to get bored of it. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, and I don't think that's enough. Eventually you'll realise that you could do so much better. And the main reason I'm scared of losing you is because having you in my life is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Losing you would be like having the floor pulled out from under me, I know I wouldn't be able to keep it together any more. You're the only thing keeping me from cutting because I wouldn't know what to say if you saw the scars. And you deserve so much better than this. You deserve better than an ugly, stupid, annoying waste of space. If I wasn't so selfish I would let you go find someone who is actually good enough for you."

What I say:

"I'm fine."

blessings

2010-05-16T19:42:00.003+01:00

Last week, a friend who I haven't seen for ages messaged me and asked if I fancied going out for a drink. Well I say a friend, when I think about it I think we've only actually met a handful of times. But it was one of those things where the first time we met we just clicked instantly. I hadn't seen him in ages and in my current insecure state, I was convinced that I'd have nothing to say to him. That it would be awkward, that he would think I was boring. I was nervous but I forced myself to go, thinking the worst case scenario was that I could just leave after one drink.

As it turns out, we had so much fun. The conversation just flowed, and it made me realise - I'm not a complete freak. Being on this university course seems to have destroyed my confidence; since September I haven't made any real friends, and it's made me feel like the same awkward weird girl I was at school. I seem to have forgotten how to make friends, and I resigned myself to the "fact" that I'm just not a fun person to be around. I guess this one night out renewed my confidence and made me realise I am a fun, interesting person.

It also made me realise that part of the reason I have so few friends is that I never put myself out there. I never ask people if they want to meet up, I always wait for them to ask me. I'm so afraid of rejection that I never take the chance. So in the spirit of self improvement, I emailed my tutor group at university last Thursday and asked if they fancied meeting up for a catch up drink, since it's been about six weeks since we've been at uni.

Today is Sunday, and not one person has replied. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel a sort of calm acceptance - I pushed my boundaries and took a risk and for that I'm proud of myself. I can accept now that these people are not my friends and never will be, but most importantly, that's alright. I have people who love me - it may not be a lot, but I feel blessed to have even one person who truly cares about me. Things with Welsh are really wonderful, every day I feel lucky to have him. I realise now that I am worthy of being loved, I am interesting and fun and a good friend. And if certain people don't like me - screw 'em.

content

2010-03-09T21:48:00.004Z

I am happy at the moment. And I haven't really, truly, felt that in a long while, so it's nice to say it "out loud" (so to speak).

It's not overwhelming, amazing happiness, nothing fantastic has happened to make me feel on top of the world, but I feel content. I just feel good - I don't feel stressed or anxious or miserable or drained or sad or lonely. And it's sad really how long it's been since I didn't feel any of those things.

One thing that isn't contributing to my happiness is my uni course. It's incredibly hard work, incredibly draining, and half the time I just don't feel like I can do it. I want to be able to do it, but my crappy self belief tells me I'll never be a good OT. But I think for now, just knowing that I want to do it is enough. As long as I know the end result is what I want, I just have to hope it all falls into place in the end, and not get bogged down by it in the meantime. The stress of it had started to take over my life, and now I'm realising that actually it's not my whole world. At the end of the day I need to look at it like a job - I go to work, I come home, and the rest of the time I spend with my friends, or doing the things I enjoy. It isn't my whole world.

However, one thing that is contributing to my happiness, is the new boy I'm seeing. It's been about 7 months since my last relationship which I think has been a decent amount of time to have my own space and get my head together (more together than it was before anyway!) I wasn't even really looking for anything - End Of 2009 Guy really fucked me over emotionally, and it still stings a bit even now. But something about this one seems different (god what a cliche, people always say that before it goes wrong don't they?) I just don't feel insecure at all. I'm not scared that he'll lose interest, he actually wants to spend time with me, he doesn't act like it's a chore to speak to me. We took things slowly and didn't rush into bed immediately. Basically, it's the opposite of all my previous relationships. And it's funny, at first something didn't feel right with him, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. He seemed so different to my usual type. And that's because he is - but I didn't even realise at first that it's in a good way. He makes me feel special, that I'm worth more to him than just a shag. It's been so long since I actually experienced some plain, good old-fashioned romance.

In fact, it's the exact opposite to EO2009 Guy. I had literally the best sex of my life with him - it was beyond fantastic. Which was great, except he didn't give a shit about me as a person. Whereas the new boy (I think I'll call him Welsh, since he is!) really cares me about me, but the sex isn't so good. At first that bothered me - I like sex, and I have a high sex drive. But when I thought about it I realised that casual sex is only fulfilling for so long. Having someone genuinely care about me is so much more rare and precious.

happy new year

2010-01-04T16:55:00.003Z

Things are...I don't know. Not good, not bad. Lonely and difficult and anxiety-ridden, but I'm functioning. My Christmas was good, New Years was good.

When I look back at 2009, all I see is a load of relationship disasters. I met a guy at the end of the year who was so ridiculously perfect for me. Like, he was basically the male version of me, we had SO much in common. So we had sex, and then he switched. Changed pretty much overnight. Turns out he suffers from depression too, and is currently in the midst of a bad spell. I could deal with that except he's completely pushed me away; told me he can't deal with a relationship at the moment and seems to have no interest in me anymore (despite all the usual "lets be friends" bullshit).

I am so sick of men. I hate saying that, because I want to believe that there is someone out there who will love me for me and not just because they want to get in my knickers, but where they are hiding I do not know. I'm only 22, and already I'm bitter. If anyone has any kind of evidence that real love exists (especially for fucked up people like me) then I'd love to hear it, cos I'm struggling to believe it does anymore.

""I don't let anyone touch me," I finally said.
"Why not?"
Why not? Because I was tired of men. Hanging in doorways, standing too close, their smell of beer or fifteen-year-old whiskey. Men who didn't come to the emergency room with you, men who left on Christmas Eve. Men who slammed the security gates, who made you love them then changed their minds. Forests of boys, their ragged shrubs full of eyes following you, grabbing your breasts, waving their money, eyes already knocking you down, taking what they felt was theirs. It was a play and I knew how it ended, I didn't want to audition for any of the roles. It was no game, no casual thrill. It was three-bullet Russian roulette. "

- Janet Fitch (White Oleander)

up and down

2009-11-25T21:35:00.003Z

So much for "blogging even when you're doing well" - I haven't been writing anything, good or bad. I can't believe how long it's been, time really does fly sometimes.

I've been very up and down since the beginning of September when I last wrote. My course has generally been going well, although I did have several points where I really struggled with myself wondering whether this was really what I wanted to be doing. Although I say that, really I was struggling with whether I COULD do it, whether I was good enough. Of course I never think I'm good enough, at anything. Towards the end of my first term of lectures things were really starting to slip - I wasn't turning up to a lot of my lectures, and on my course if attendance drops below a certain level you can be kicked off. So that really wasn't clever. I'm now a week and a half into my first work placement, and it's only now that things have finally clicked into place. It sounds silly, but I'm really in love with my job and with occupational therapy. For the first time in my life I really have the feeling of "yes, this is what I'm meant to do." I've finally found something where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing something important. And I'm ALMOST beginning to feel like I might even be good at it - although there's big emphasis on the "almost" since of course I never really feel like I'm that good at anything.

I just can't seem to deal with failure and criticism at all. I know I'm better than I was, but if I do something wrong I still beat myself up over it. I can't stand being new to something and not being perfect straight away. My supervisor told me I'm doing a good job, but I still can't quite believe it. But I'm loving what I'm doing so much at the moment that the fear and anxiety isn't completely overwhelming.

Speaking of fear, I read a really good tip the other day - next time you feel anxiety or fear building up in you, just focus on the physical site of it (for me it's in my chest). It's amazing, just focusing on the feeling makes it disappear completely - so simple and there seems to be no logic to it, but it works!

Anyway, after my last blog about not wanting to be in a relationship for a while and wanting to learn to be on my own, I've maintained that. I've been single for about 3 months now and I really have no desire to be in a relationship any time soon. I guess partly it's due to cynicism - I've realised I don't actually know that many couples who are genuinely good together and are genuinely happy. Real love seems so rare. I do believe it exists, but I don't believe it really happens to girls like me. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone who can put up with all my craziness and love me for who I am. So I'm just not interested in all that right now - all relationships seem to do is make me depressed and insecure, I'd much rather be on my own and preserve my mental stability!

Although I have no desire for a romantic partner at the moment, I am incredibly lonely sometimes. I've realised I have no real, close friends anymore. I have people I socialise with, but no one I can really talk to about anything. My best friend is in ED treatment in South Africa and is dealing with enough of her own shit at the moment. As for my other best friend...well, something has changed. I'm not sure what, I just think maybe she's not the person she used to be. She's become really judgemental and harsh, and I just don't feel comfortable opening up to her anymore. So because of that, sometimes the loneliness gets really overwhelming. I've realised I'm really withdrawing from people emotionally - I just don't open up to anyone anymore. I don't depend on anyone emotionally. And for now that's "safe" for me, it means I don't get hurt and sink back into the horrible depression I was in before. But I think it's taking its toll in the long run.

Does anyone have any experience/understanding of dysthymia? I came across the term the other day, and I really think that's what I have. I've had this constant underlying depression for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 11 or 12. Possibly when I was even younger, but I can't remember back that far. Most of the time (like now) it's bearable and I can function just about, but every now and then it'll flare up into major depression. No matter what, it never really goes away. I think suddenly doing a job I love and getting that burst of happiness from it has made me realise that even when things are "OK" I never really know what it's like to be happy.

light at the end of the tunnel

2009-09-06T15:23:00.005+01:00

In her latest blog, NerdOneirik commented on how people with mental illnesses stop blogging as soon as they get better. And how that's the best time to blog, because it shows others that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So that's what I'm doing now.

I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?

I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.

And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.

So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.

As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.

So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.

facing the fear

2009-08-19T23:47:00.004+01:00

Unsurprisingly, considering my terrible luck with the opposite sex this year, things are over with The Pianist. Apparently he's too busy in his life for a relationship at the moment. It hurt at the time, but I'm feeling OK now. I think it's time to face my fear of being alone for once. As soon as I break up with someone I feel like I have to find someone else in order to move on, and to avoid my crippling fear that I'll sink back into depression because I have nothing to focus my life on. In order to keep myself going I always have to have a particular purpose in life - I think that's why I enjoy university, because I feel like I'm working towards a goal. Being in a relationship gives me that feeling as well, especially at the beginning when the relationship is first progressing. I guess it makes sense that my relationships always falter when things begin to settle down, because that's when it gets into a routine and I don't feel like I'm moving forward any more, I lose my sense of progression and purpose.

So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.

Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.

falling

2009-07-05T21:13:00.004+01:00

Today has been hard. Seeing the ex seems to have triggered something in me - my old anxiety is back, I really don't want tomorrow to come. I'm nervous about my driving lesson, even though I know I'm a good driver and I just need practise. I'm nervous about meeting an online friend for the first time tomorrow, even though we get on really well and I know we'll have a laugh.

I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.

getting weary

2009-07-05T02:46:00.004+01:00

Blonde came out of hospital, so we met up this evening and she seems to be doing OK. She was determined to eat normally and not purge, and she did well.

I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.

return

2009-07-04T16:03:00.003+01:00

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

let go

2009-04-13T20:39:00.005+01:00

I ended up contacting Ex No. 3 last night on Facebook, in a moment of weakness/madness/sadness/loneliness/nostalgia. As much of a nice guy InternetGuy is, and as much as No. 3 hurt me, I'm not over him. I really loved him, and that's not something I seem to be able to forget easily.

It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.

But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.

I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.

space

2009-03-31T16:17:00.004+01:00

I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

please don't leave me

2009-03-20T00:38:00.004Z

I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.

I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.

OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?

understanding

2009-03-13T12:14:00.004Z

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.

struggling

2009-03-08T23:15:00.003Z

I've hit a real low point this evening. The lowest I've been in a while. So I figure I should probably try and make sense of it.

I stopped seeing my counsellor, I just didn't turn up to my last appointment. I know I probably should have perservered, but I just found it excruciating talking about the same irrelevant things. I wasn't getting anything from it, and it was just a waste of my time. I'm gonna carry on doing my online CBT though, just because I suppose I may as well.

Things with the Internet guy are weird. It's a whole long pathetic sounding mess, but in short: we met, I wasn't attracted to him, I said we should just be friends, I developed feelings for him, we had sex, I said I didn't want want a relationship, he said he didn't want one either. I saw him this weekend and he kept asking if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, if we were officially together. He admitted he wants a relationship. I like this guy, but I'm not sure if I trust myself at the moment. I keep jumping headfirst into relationships when I have reservations, and I feel like I'm making the same mistakes over and over. I need to learn to be happy with me, not hiding my fears and depression and self-hatred by wrapping myself up in another person. It may be a cliche, but I need time to figure out who I am without someone else defining my self image.

The thing is, I like the way he sees me. He seems to see me as being someone special and beautiful, and I want to be that person. I want to believe that I'm that person. But lets face it, eventually he's going to realise I'm nothing special because that's what always happens, and I'll be straight back to feeling worthless again. Until I run straight into the arms of someone else.

My mother has always drilled it into me that you can't be happy without being in a relationship. I always "knew" that it was ridiculous, that I didn't want to be like that. But I guess I'm more like her than I realised, or want to be.

breaking the silence

2009-02-25T18:06:00.005Z

Apologies for the disappearance - I just haven't felt like writing much lately and my dissertation has become my life. I struggle to focus on anything else, and I suppose it's a good thing that I'm getting it done, but I think I'm neglecting people. I find it all too easy to isolate myself, even when I'm not drowning in coursework.

I had an interview today to join a program which can means I can work abroad this summer. I would so love to go, I think it would be exactly what I need. To get away, to excape, to explore, to have an adventure. The only problem is that my graduation ceremony is in the middle of July, if I get onto my postgrad course that will start sometime at the beginning of September, and the minimum I can work abroad for on this program is two months. I'm not really sure if the timing is going to work so I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up.

I've been chatting to this guy online, and he's coming to visit this weekend. I don't really want to talk about it because there are so many aspects of the situation where I'm not sure how I feel about it. Maybe I'll talk about it after the weekend and I know how it went. I'm just feeling slightly guarded at the moment and I have no idea why, since this is supposed to be my place where I can let everything out.

I'm still continuing with counselling, and although I feel like I'm getting more out of it I find it slightly awkward. I don't know if this is how it always is or I just have a bad counsellor, but he doesn't seem to want me to talk about deep stuff. He always says, "I don't want to make you talk about something too personal" whenever he asks about something remotely personal, but surely that's the whole point of therapy? And whenever I mention anything remotely heavy or dark he just seems to look uncomfortable, one time he actually just changed the subject completely. What have other people's experiences of therapy been like, is this normal?

valentine

2009-02-15T15:08:00.002Z

The boy and I just broke up. He'd been a twat to me all weekend, and then today he shouted at me that I'm a "stupid fuck with no common sense" because I asked him how he had a train ticket (he said he had one but I was confused because I knew he didn't). I literally just walked straight out the station and went home without saying a word, and he texted me apologising and asking if we can still be friends. I'm not that desperate for friends, thanks.

You know the saddest thing? I put up with it all weekend and forgave him at first because deep down I don't feel like I deserve any better than that. I don't really believe I'll get anything better than that. And the part of me that is so filled with self hatred enjoys seeing me get treated like that.

I suppose I should be happy that whatever self respect I have won out in the end.

numb

2009-02-10T03:05:00.002Z

I wish I could get drunk without severe depression kicking in. I miss alcohol being my escape. I know that's not sensible or productive, but I miss having an escape.

I feel sick, and I'm so tempted to make myself throw up again. Bingeing and purging - what a great habit to get into considering my (so called) best friend is a (so called) recovering anorexic bulimic.

resolved

2009-02-08T20:37:00.003Z

Things came to a head with the boy last night. Turns out last weekend was still playing on his mind, and all my insecurities about wasting my time on someone who wasn't really that bothered about me ending up seeping out. To cut a lot story short, things have been resolved and I'm a lot more content.

I have a presentation at uni tomorrow which would have been my worst nightmare in the past, but actually I'm OK with it. Sometimes it's nice to look back on how far I've come in terms of my social anxiety, and be proud of my progress.

please ignore the swearing below

2009-02-07T13:59:00.004Z

I am so sick of lying to people. When you're physically ill, everyone understands why you can't do things, why you struggle. But because I can't tell most people about my depression I end up having to constantly lie and make excuses, and it's so fucking exhausting.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today for lunch, but I woke up to a phone call at 1:30pm asking if we were still on. I'd woken up intermittently throughout the morning and had ultimately decided all I wanted to do was sleep. All I ever want to do is sleep. But now I'm awake I'm back to the usual guilt - I'm gutted I've wasted half the day, and let down a friend, it would have been nice to see him, and now I won't sleep tonight, etc etc. I go through this cycle of actions and thoughts almost everyday and I still always let the depression win. I'm so fucking angry at myself for constantly doing this.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counselling either. I like my counsellor, but it's not helping. And I fucking hate this CBT computer program I have to do. To be fair it would probably be useful for some people, but I know all about it already from doing a Psychology degree. I know about automatic negative thoughts, I fucking hate having to constantly be rating my mood and doing shitty activity diaries. I came into this with a really open mind and I'm almost halfway through now and I don't feel it's helping me at all.

I feel like I've ended up in the kind of one way relationship I used to let myself get involved in when I was younger with the boy. He was struggling at work all week, feeling like he was doing badly and wanting to quit, and I spent all week comforting him, making him realise he's good at his job and he shouldn't give up. But he keeps trying to play these stupid games where he jokes around and acts like he's not really that interested in me, and it's getting really tiring. I know the obvious thing to think is "well maybe he's not that interested in me", but I know he is. I don't question that he is. But it's like he has to play these stupid games to maintain some kind of power and illusion of coolness, and it's just boring now.

Last night he asked what I like about him, so I told him. So then I asked him the same thing, and he kept avoiding the question. So I asked again, and his response was "I'm off to bed now, bye."

Via text:
"You know I am gonna get bored of your games sooner or later."
"?"
About half an hour later...
"Ignore me, I'm just in a bad mood. Goodnight."
"Grumpy :P"

Great, thanks for that, when I've been there for you all week when you've been in a bad mood.

I'm am so fucking sick of everything. Argh.

/rant

mess

2009-02-03T11:55:00.002Z

I'm back to the old classic of pretending I'm ill so people won't question why I'm spending all day in bed, or worse, laugh at me for being lazy. People must think I have the weakest immune system/most temperamental digestive system ever.

I have a counselling session this afternoon and I've spent the last 3 hours debating whether to go. I'll hate myself if I cancel. I can't cope with going.

I can't make sense of my own head at the moment, let alone try and express my thoughts to someone else. I just plain and simply don't know why I feel like this.

digusted

2009-02-02T20:25:00.003Z

I haven't got really drunk in a long time, but Saturday night was bad. Really bad.

I went to a boy from school's house with another school friend and the boy. Playing Centurion with home-made mojitos resulted in me sobbing on the kitchen floor, then later on having a huge blowout with the boy, telling him I didn't need him and screaming at him to stay away from me, apparently spitting in his face (although I don't remember this, and never thought I would be capable of it) and going into the bathroom to find something to cut with (fortunately I didn't find anything). I apologised in the morning, and amazingly he's forgiven me.

Why is it that whenever I end up with something remotely good in my life I have to press the self destruct button? Why do I do it? In relationships I push and push them, I'm constantly testing them to see how much they'll put up with. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fuck up another good thing. I can't help but be filled with self-hatred, I really don't deserve him.

self image

2009-01-28T16:20:00.004Z

How would you describe yourself? (in a word or in a short sentence)

I've been asked to fill in this worksheet to do with self esteem and self image by my counsellor, and I'm really struggling with it. One of the questions was "describe your core belief about yourself/your personality" and in the end all I could come up with was "nothing special". Because I can't think what else I am. I don't know who I am.

I've also been asked to write down what I like about myself, and that is a HUGE struggle to answer. I suppose I like to consider myself a compassionate person, but then I still feel like I'm selfish a lot of the time, which causes a lot of guilt. I know everyone has to be selfish sometimes but...I just don't feel like I'm a good person.

So how would you describe yourself? I'm interested to hear what other people would say.

sleep

2009-01-25T15:45:00.002Z

After having a serious conversation about our past relationships, I told the boy about my depression. Turns out his ex was on antidepressants too. I suppose it's true what they say that mental health problems are more common than you think!

I've done absolutely nothing the last couple of days, I have no energy. It's because my sleeping patterns are completely fucked up - I fell asleep at 4am last night and woke up at 2pm today. I really wanted to go to the Holocaust Memorial Day event in town today as well, I'm so annoyed at myself. I hate being like this. I think if/when I can force myself to get up I'm gonna go into town and get some sleeping pills, I can't carry on like this anymore.

time to change

2009-01-23T23:42:00.003Z

This campaign is currently running in the UK, and I'm really pleased. It's definitely overdue.

counselling

2009-01-23T13:17:00.003Z

I didn't end up telling The New Boy about my depression. I am a coward. I was kind of hoping he would see my Citalopram and ask about them - he did see them, but he assumed they were contraceptive pills and I kind of didn't correct him. Oops.

I know I should be honest, I know it's not healthy for our relationship for me to be hiding myself from him, but at the same time I like that he doesn't know about that side of me. I like that around him I'm not the "depressed girl", the fact that he doesn't know encourages me to keep my depressiveness (is that a word?) under wraps. If he knew it would be all too easy to start getting depressed around him, and I don't want to be that person. I've been genuinely happy the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose that.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. It went quite well, but it's unfortunate in a way that I'm not currently in a depressed phase at the moment. I don't think I'm going to get as much out of it as I could do because I am happy at the moment, which is actually a bit annoying! But I've probably jinxed it now, I'm sure I'll slip back into depression next week, ha. My counsellor is quite hot as well, how Freudian is that! But considering a) he's married (I checked out the ring finger) and b) he heard me go on about my relationship issues yesterday, I don't think the feelings will be mutual somehow!

I also have loads of homework to do for my counsellor as well. As if I didn't have enough work to do at the moment! I'm following this online CBT program called Beating the Blues - it's so incredibly cheesy (although my counsellor warned me it would be), at one point it had to type in things that had upset me in the week, and a computerised voice said "that must have been very difficult for you", haha. Oh well, I shall perservere.

the new boy

2009-01-14T00:20:00.004Z

So, I officially have a boyfriend now.

I'm happy, but the big question is, do I tell him about my depression?

Actually, I know the answer. I know I should tell him. I've had a serious relationship in the past where I hid it, and it didn't do me any good at all. If it freaks him out then it's better to learn that now than to have it constantly hanging over my head through our relationship and causing me to put up a barrier.

I guess I'll be telling him when he comes to visit this weekend, wish me luck.

My laptop is being taken away to be repaired tomorrow so I won't be able to blog for a while, take care everyone and hopefully I'll be back soon.

happy 2009

2009-01-07T23:54:00.003Z

Apologies for completely neglecting this journal over the last week. The main reason has been the simple fact that for once I've been out actually enjoying my life as opposed to wallowing and overanalysing it.

New Years Eve was a really good night for once. I usually hate New Years - there's so much pressure to have fun and I never actually end up enjoying myself. Sometimes being at a party or club surrounded by people is when I feel most alone. But I ended up having so much fun - I just wish I could feel that alive all the time.

I also have a new boy on the scene. I actually met him online, but we just clicked instantly and got on so well we decided to meet in real life, which we did last night. He's not my normal type at all, which I think is a good thing. He's outgoing and confident and witty, and around him I feel like I can be those things too. I don't feel shy and depressed and insecure, and although I doubt it'll be anything serious I'm really enjoying just having fun for once. I am severely lacking in fun in my life. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to, and then on Sunday I'm off back to uni. I really, really don't want to go back, which is funny because it used to be the exact opposite. I used to get so depressed being at home and count down the days til I could go back to uni, I suppose I'm just feeling the weight of all the work I've got to do now I'm in my final year. But I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to enjoy this brief burst of happiness while it lasts.

coda

2008-12-31T00:58:00.004Z

I finally went to OA and CODA today, and loved it. I wasn't really sure what to expect - well, I was expecting a load of touchy feely peace and love bullshit, which is what I got I suppose, but somehow it worked. I really feel like I got something out of it, and it was a really comfortable environment. I think I'm going to try and find a CODA in my area when I go back to uni.

Funnily enough, my friend bumped into a famous comedian and TV presenter (and equally famous drug addict) on the way to the toilets, he must have been going to NA. I'm dying to tell people who but...anonymity and all!

I'm going away for a few days over the New Year period, so happy new year everyone. Let's hope this year will be better than the last.

xmas

2008-12-26T16:58:00.004Z

Merry Christmas everyone, I really hope you all had a good day.

My day went suprisingly well, I actually had quite a good laugh with the family, and dinner was lovely. I also found out that No.3 had to work on Christmas Day which cheered me up in an extremely pathetic way.

I went driving with my dad today which was horrendous. His car was completely different to what I was used to, and I got off to a bad start by accidentally putting myself in third gear instead of first when I stopped at a junction, and wondered why the car kept stalling when I tried to drive off (took me about five tries before my dad realised what the problem was). I ended up having to pull over to burst into tears, and then spent the rest of the drive trying to fight back more tears. My dad said I did well, but I think he was just patronising me, and of course I have to beat myself up over it either way.

onwards and upwards

2008-12-24T14:14:00.003Z

I didn't end up going to the meeting, which I'm really annoyed at myself about because I really think it would have been a good experience for me. I've sunk so low into my depression the last few days that just getting out of bed and getting dressed to go out has seemed the world's most daunting task. Eventually my dad came round this morning and forced me to get up and go out with him, which I appreciate now even though I didn't earlier when I was lying in bed with a pillow over my head wanting to block out the whole world.

I finally got a message back from The Ex (Ex No.3 - I should probably come up with better names for them) after I sent him a "Merry Christmas" type message last week. He mentioned something about feeling run down, and I fought the urge to reply and ask what was wrong. I have to realise that if he's going to decide to abandon me when I'm at my lowest then he doesn't deserve anything from me. It's a small step for mankind but a big step for me and my co-dependency issues!

Oh, and I think I was right - I was developing feelings for Ex No.2 again for the wrong reasons.

co-dependency

2008-12-22T22:54:00.004Z

My best friend is a recovering anorexic bulimic, and she's invited me to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting tomorrow. It should be interesting. It's mainly just so she can share what it's like with me since she's a big fan of the twelve step program and it's been a big part of her recovery (she followed a twelve step program in rehab), but after discussing our co-dependency issues she suggested that if I like the meeting tomorrow we could try going to Co-Dependents Anonymous together. I didn't know such a thing existed, but apparently it does. I didn't even realise I was co-dependent until my friend labelled it as such, but according to the website it seems to fit me pretty well:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never 'good enough'.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
I have to be 'needed' in order to have a relationship with others.

That isn't even the full list, just the ones that apply to me. I always knew I had issues with relationships and needing to feel needed, but it's interesting to be able to give it a name.

tired

2008-12-19T21:08:00.006Z

The last week has been quite hectic, hence the lack of posting. I've been feeling pretty good actually over the last couple of days, I went out socialising (and really enjoyed it) for the first time in a while on Thursday night, and Friday was spent rushing around handing in my coursework, going to the doctor and meeting Ex N0.2 for the first time since May. And of course packing to come home.

Seeing the ex was lovely - a bit too lovely, I don't think I'm over him. Which is so not a good situation. I ultimately chose Ex No.3 over him, and I wouldn't want him to think I'm crawling back to him now it's over with the other guy. I'm not even entirely over the other guy, and I'm not sure if I'm developing feelings for him again for the wrong reasons.

I'm just realising how much I underestimated him when we were together, it's only since we split up that I've realised how (freakishly) similar we were are so many ways. I kept myself so guarded because I was always convinced he wouldn't understand me and my depression, but now I feel like he probably would have done if I've given him the chance. I'm really noticing the difference in maturity level between him and No.3, who I always thought understood me and my depression but ultimately didn't at all. But I'm keeping my feelings to myself at the moment, it would just be nice to meet up with him again after Christmas and see how it goes.

So my mood was pretty good for a few days, I seemed to have incredible amounts of energy. I thought maybe my meds were finally having an effect, until I crashed today. I woke up at 10:30am, texted my friend to tell her I didn't have the energy to come meet her in town, woke up again at 1:30pm when my mum came home from work, and then woke up again at 6pm. It's 9:30pm now, and I still want to sleep.

I think the lack of energy is probably the hardest part of my depression. I can pretend to be happy, I can put on a front and function well enough, but when I have such extreme tiredness I just can't function. And then everyone wonders why I'm so tired, and usually makes fun of me for being lazy when I spend all day in bed and/or miss lectures and social events because of it. And since I take criticism (or what I percieve to be criticism) so hard, it hurts when I can't make them understand that I can't help it, either because I haven't told them about my depression or they just don't understand.

It's my good friend's birthday tomorrow and I want to be looking forward to it, but really I just want to sleep.

suicide

2008-12-12T21:13:00.003Z

Tonight I had thoughts of suicide. And you know the first thing that popped into my head, my number one reason for not killing myself? I hadn't shaved my legs. I don't want to leave a hairy-legged corpse.

You have to laugh really...

diagnosis

2008-12-10T21:10:00.005Z

I had my second doctor's appointment today, and (I think!) I have officially been diagnosed with severe depression.

He asked me some set questions all beginning with "In the last two weeks how often have you..." and the only one I didn't answer with "everyday" was "have you felt a lack of concentration?" Go me. I don't think he even realised how bad it was before he did this assessment.
"In the last two weeks have you had thoughts of harming yourself?"
"Yes."
"But not that you would act on." (Like it went without saying)
"Um...no...I have actually..."

At the end, after I'd told him I've had a lack of pleasure in doing things, had a low mood, had negative thoughts about myself, wanted to sleep all the time, had very little appetite and had thoughts of harming myself pretty much everyday for the last two weeks, he said, "So it appears you have severe depression." Ha, you think?!

For the record, I do really like him, he comes across as really understanding, but I found the whole assessment process quite amusing. Maybe that's just my weird sense of humour.

But despite all this, today has been the first day since I can remember that I actually felt good all day. It feels like I've been walking on eggshells with myself all day though - constantly being on edge wondering what's going to send me back down, trying to block out all negative thoughts in case my mood switches. Actually it's like trying to tread water when you've got nothing to hold on to - as soon as you start sinking you concentrate all your effort on frantically kicking to get yourself afloat again, and you feel good for not letting yourself sink. But in the back of your mind you have the sinking feeling (no pun intended) that eventually it's going to become too tiring and you won't be able to keep yourself afloat anymore.

tears

2008-12-10T10:52:00.003Z

I cried last night.

I feel like this shouldn't really be a fact worth noting. I usually well up at anything - movies, TV, adverts, the mere thought of someone I love dying - but it wasn't until last night that I realised how long it's been since I last cried. I actually wanted to cry, just to let it all out, and it took a long time for me to actually be able to produce the tears. Which is really strange for me, and it makes me wonder when the last time was that I cried. At what point did I stop being sad and just become empty inside?

But the good news is, right now I can honestly say I feel good. I had a really good driving lesson earlier and I just generally feel upbeat. I know this feeling won't last long though, so I'm just going to savour it while it lasts.

the future

2008-12-07T17:13:00.002Z

Things still aren't improving. I'm still wanting to sleep all the time, I still have no desire to eat, things still seem hopeless.

I'm starting to obsess over the future. When I finish university I want to do an Occupational Therapy MSc, which is going to be a really intensive course. What if I can't do it? What if I can't cope? I'm going to be going back to living with my mum who barely talks to me, and now my sister's moved out I'm going to be pretty much on my own. I've only really got my best friend at home that I can socialise with, and I have so much trouble making friends that there's no guarantees I'll make friends on my course. And similarly, I can't imagine there'll be many opportunities for me to meet guys, so getting a boyfriend will be pretty unlikely. And once I graduate, then what? I pinned all my hopes of happiness on finding a job that I'll love, and I do love occupational therapy, but come on, this is me - I'm never going to be happy at anything I do am I?

family

2008-12-03T21:16:00.003Z

I'm feeling a bit better today. I was supposed to go to the pub for a friend's birthday last night and I was in two minds whether to go; on the one hand I could have done with having some fun, and on the other I was beyond exhausted and had a driving lesson in the morning. In the end I decided to be good and stay in - I was tucked up in bed by 10pm and it really helped. My mood still isn't great today, but I was able to concentrate on my driving lesson and I got 1500 words of my dissertation done, so I can call it a successful day overall. I don't know if it's the meds kicking in or what, but I didn't feel the usual level of anxiety before my lesson either.

I told my parents about the anti-depressants earlier. I was in two minds whether to do it, but I'm glad I did in the end, they were both really understanding. My relationship with my family has always been a bit of a strange one - my parents are absolutely fantastic and have done so much for me, but at the same time I've always felt like I had to be strong for them and my sister, even though I'm the youngest. My mum has struggled with depression since my parents split up, and I've always had to be the one to comfort her when she's burst into tears in the kitchen, or when she's complaining about being single. She has a very childish, black and white view of the world in a lot of ways; i.e. she doesn't believe it's possible to be happy if you're single, and I've seen her be incredibly clingy when dating. When you think that's she's supposed to be my obvious role model of how to act with men, no wonder I've got so many relationship issues! I love her and I've never felt resentful for having to be there for her, I've just never wanted to burden her with my issues. For a long time we just didn't get on at all, partly because of how she is and partly because I took all my frustration and unhappiness out on her, but since I left home to go to university we've become a lot closer. But for example, last week when we were talking on the phone she was telling me about her jealousy over her boyfriend spending time with his ex and I was the one listening and trying to advise her - surely the mother-daughter relationship should be the other way round?!

My dad is incredibly understanding but he's also very sensitive and a big worrier. When I was younger I used to talk to him about everything, but he just used to get so worried and constantly try and force me to talk about my problems when I didn't want to, to the point where I stopped telling him things. He does so much for me financially that I felt like that was enough, I didn't want to burden him with everything else.

My sister and I are really close, we're very similar people and we get on so well. I can remember so many times when I've sat with her while she's been crying, trying to comfort her and help her with her problems, but I can barely think of any examples of when she's done it for me. Not because she doesn't care or she wouldn't, but because I don't let her. I'm the one who looks out for her, not the other way around.

I've always felt like I'm the one who has to be strong and take care of everyone else. Maybe that's not the case, and it's a role I've created for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm starting to allow myself to depend on others for once.

hope

2008-12-01T22:49:00.002Z

I seem to have lost all hope over the last few days. I used to believe that things would get better, I used to believe that the fight was worth it, and now I've lost and it and I don't know how to get it back.

I'm tired. I'm tired of struggling, of being like this, of hating myself. I just want to be someone else for a while.

things keep getting better

2008-11-30T21:33:00.003Z

So I finally got out of bed at 6:30pm. Had a shower, cut myself and then almost fainted. I suppose it was a bit silly to have a hot shower when I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours.

About the cutting - I lasted about a month before giving in, I suppose that's not bad. It wasn't even worth it. For possibly the first time ever I didn't even feel anything emotionally or physically, I'm that numb.

I just feel so alone at the moment. I can't talk to my parents about it, the ex couldn't care less about me, and my two friends who I usually can talk to about this stuff don't seem to care at all.

I weighed myself earlier for the first time in a couple of weeks or so, and I've now lost over a stone (fifteen pounds) since the summer. I was actually shocked, I didn't think I'd been eating that badly recently (this weekend not included). You'd think that would make me want to eat something, but I still don't care enough, and I'm not even that hungry.

I actually haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.*

*For the record, I'm not going to act on it.

low

2008-11-30T17:23:00.002Z

My weekend hasn't improved much from my last post. In fact, it hasn't improved at all.

Actually, that's the wrong choice of words. My weekend has been fine. It's me that's been a mess. I've just been so incredibly low. I haven't had the motivation to do anything except sleep all day, which meant that I was up til 4:30am last night. It's 5:30pm now and I've got out of bed once to go to the toilet, that's it. I haven't even had anything to eat, and I'm not even particularly hungry. I just don't care enough to eat.

I know I should try and break the cycle and I have so much guilt over the things I know I should be doing and that I need to do, but everything just seems like too much effort at the moment.

numb

2008-11-29T00:07:00.003Z

I feel the need to write something and yet I have nothing to say. Everything feels completely blank and empty right now. There doesn't seem to be a point in doing anything. I'm hungry, but I can't be bothered to get something to eat. I should probably just go to bed and hope things are better in the morning, but I can't be bothered to move. There is no point in even writing this, but I still feel like I should. I want to give an honest account of my life and my experience of depression in this blog, so here it is.

the first appointment

2008-11-26T23:09:00.007Z

I had the doctor's appointment this afternoon. I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram (any readers ever taken this drug before? If so what has your experience of it been like?) and I have another appointment in two weeks.

Strangely, it feels like the world's biggest anti-climax. I was incredibly nervous beforehand and I found actually talking about my symptoms incredibly uncomfortable, but the doctor was really understanding. Now that it's over I do wonder why I put it off for so many years. It's very tempting to play the "what would my life be like if I'd actually taken this step ten years ago" game but I really don't want to go down that road. It's something that kept going over and over in my head for so long, and it took so long to build myself up to doing it I'm now realising that actually that was probably the easiest part as opposed to the hardest part like I thought it would be. I think at this point the hardest part is very much still to come.

a break from myself

2008-11-24T23:53:00.005Z

Things have been really up and down the last few days. Depression isn't too bad, but the anxiety has been. I had a driving lesson this morning which brought on severe anxiety last night as usual, then this week is going to be a bit of an anxiety inducing week. I've got a meeting with an occupational therapist on Wednesday in order to gain experience/advice for my Occupational Therapy MSc application, and meeting new people always brings on anxiety. I'm not sure how I'm really going to be an occupational therapist when I get so anxious around people, but let's just cross our fingers that I manage to sort it out by the time that happens.

I would so love to be an occupational therapist, I just don't know if I can do it. Actually, it's not even that. I think I could do it, I just don't know if I could cope with the anxiety. Plus it's embarrassing to admit, but my hands sweat a lot, particularly when I'm anxious. It's been a nightmare ever since I was a kid, and if I do a job where I'm going to have to be physically touching people I can't be sweating all over them. I suppose it's something I'll have to talk to the doctor about.

Ah yes, the doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Still dreading it with every fibre of my being.

I feel like I'm on autopilot at the moment. I can feel the anxiety and depression pushing through in the back of my mind and if I let the floodgates open then I won't be able to cope. And I can't not cope right now, it's just not an option. I've got too much to do and too much is at stake in terms of my degree, I've come too far to let it all be ruined now. So I keep fighting it off, but it's exhausting. I just want to curl up in bed and never get out, but I can't, and I can't let myself think it or it'll become even harder to fight.

I wish I could just take a break from myself for a bit.

unconditional love

2008-11-22T00:43:00.004Z

After a conversation with my best friend today and reading a post by Something More Than Ordinary, I've been thinking.

Is it actually possible for someone with mental health problems to have a relationship (that works) with someone who never has? In my experience (and after talking to the best friend about her experiences), no you can't.

Ex #1: The first love. I was fifteen when we started going out, and I was absolutely head over heels about him. I thought he was the one, I thought for the first time I had someone who really understood me and really cared about me and would stick with me like no one else had. We went out for just over a year, and then he dumped me for someone else. To say that I was devastated would be a slight understatement.

Ex #2: We went out for just under a year when I was nineteen, and he hardly knew anything about me. I didn't tell him about any of my problems, especially not my self harm. Ultimately I feel it didn't work out because I always kept a barrier between us. I didn't feel I could really be myself by telling him the truth. He is a lovely guy, but I just don't think he would have understood. And because of what happened with Ex #1, I was too scared to allow myself to get that close to someone again. (Incidentally, this is the guy I was thinking of having ex-sex with.)

Ex #3: We started going out at the beginning of this year, and broke up just over a month ago. I felt we developed a strong connection almost instantly, and I finally had someone I could be myself with. I told him about my depression and self harm after only a few weeks, and he seemed to understand. I still don't know what happened, but eventually that trust seemed to fade away. When I first told him about the self harm I promised I would stop (I have since learned never to make a promise like that to anyone), and just never told him when I started again, until the end of our relationship when I'd reached breaking point. The thing is, I know my "issues" made him incredibly uncomfortable whenever I'd tried to talk about it. When I finally, painfully, revealed that I was still cutting, I got pretty much no reaction. I desperately wanted something from him; I wanted to know that he cared, and that he loved me enough to help me through it, but I got nothing. I think I broke up with him to test him, to see if he'd still stick around even if I pushed him away, and the test failed. I think in the end he was probably relieved that he'd had an "escape".

So back to my original point. Is it possible to find someone who will stick around, who will love you unconditionally and be willing to help you through the low points? Is it even fair of me to expect someone to be willing to do that? But on the other hand, surely it can never really work if you keep things to yourself, because there will always be that wall there?

My parents divorce also gave me a pretty dismal view of everlasting, unconditional love, and although I'm pretty sure it does exist for some people, I just can't imagine anyone would ever feel that strongly about me.

i did it

2008-11-21T20:49:00.004Z

I finally booked a doctor's appointment today, and I am officially terrified.

I met up with a friend for coffee this afternoon, and we had a good talk about everything. She's currently in recovery from anorexia, and she gave me some really good advice. Basically she told me to just do it. Book an appointment (or keep trying til I can) and get it over with. I told her how busy I am this year, and how I'm wondering whether I really have the time, strrength and motivation to dedicate myself to getting better. She pointed out that it doesn't have a be a huge life-altering event, I can just take it one step at a time. I don't need to overload myself with trying to transform myself completely, but even booking one appointment is a step in the right direction.

After we said goodbye I started walking back to uni, and without even meaning to I ended up passing the health centre. And I decided she was right, I needed to take that first step, so I did. I have an appointment on Wednesday.

I know doctors have seen and heard it all before, and I know I won't be the first person to have gone to them with mental health problems, but I still feel like I will be. I still feel like they'll just be thinking what the hell are you going on about, get over it. I don't even have a clue what I'm going to say, I don't even know where to start. But like my friend said, I have to just take it one step at a time.

death

2008-11-19T22:03:00.004Z

A friend of a friend was rushed to hospital with a brain haemorrage a few days ago, and died today. I barely knew her but even I'm in shock, she was only my age (early twenties) and it came on so suddenly. It's so scary that someone you care about can just disappear out of your life in the blink of an eye. Losing the people I love has always been my biggest fear, I would completely fall apart if anything happened to my best friend or my family.

I had a really horrendous, terrible thought when I found out she was in a coma, which I'm only daring to reveal here because it's anonymous: I wished I was her. I wished I could just slip away without hurting my parents with the knowledge that I wanted it to happen. Even more pathetic was the thought that maybe it would make my ex regret giving up on me and cutting me out of his life so harshly. What the hell is wrong with me? Surely no normal person thinks like that.

I didn't go to the doctor today, and realistically I don't know if I will all week. I'm so swamped in university coursework at the moment, and it's completely out of my way to go to the health centre when I'm busy working. By the time I finish it's dark and cold and I just want to go home. It's a pretty weak excuse, but I seem to have lost my willpower. I'm going through such a stressful time being in my final year of university, do I really have the time and strength to dedicate myself to recovery? I'm not sure whether being too depressed to beat my depression is a complete contradiction in terms or not.

help

2008-11-18T20:03:00.003Z

If I believed in God I'd think he doesn't want me to get help.

After my struggles to book an appointment with the university counselling service, I decided to try a new tack and go see a GP instead. After my experiences of working for mental health services I've come to the conclusion that medical doctors aren't particularly understanding to those with mental health problems, and it always made me reluctant to see one. But deep down I know this is the best option in the long run - they can prescribe me medication if needed, or refer me to on to a psychologist.

The university health centre has moved from campus to the city centre, and I couldn't find a phone number to book an appointment with, so off I went into town. I eventually reached the health centre to find that it was closed today for staff training. Argh! It takes long enough for me to build up the courage to try and get help and whenever I do I never get anywhere! I know it's only a little thing, but I build myself up for it and I just want to get it over with. I'm going to try again tomorrow, I really hope I make some progress this time.

self harm

2008-11-16T17:43:00.004Z

Despite still not eating properly (I just don't seem to be hungry at all, although it's having horrendous effects on my digestive system, not wanting to go into too much detail) I actually think I'm coming out of my bad few weeks. My mood just seems to have lifted, and I don't know what's caused it but I'm not complaining.

The only problem with this is that I always go through these cycles, and never end up getting help for it. When I go through a bad phase I decide to go see a counsellor, then by the time I get round to it I'm feeling better. I know I should still probably go, it would be better for me in the long run, but I just don't have the motivation to face my intense fear when I'm feeling better. I don't even know how I would begin to talk about my problems with a counsellor right now. I could start with my self harm I suppose, but I haven't cut in weeks, despite how desperate I've been to. I suppose now is a good opportunity to talk about it.

I started self harming when I was seventeen. Oddly enough this was when I'd just started coming out the worst of my depression between the ages of eleven and fiteen, so it seems strange at first that I would start then. But I think there are two reasons for this. Being seventeen was a pretty bad year for me - I broke up with my boyfriend who I was entirely emotionally dependent on in a pretty heartbreaking way, my grades at school plummeted (I'd always been quite a good student) and I was still struggling (and not succeeding) to fit in with my peers at school. And the second reason is, I simply don't think I had ever heard of self harm before then.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact first moment I discovered self harm, my memories have become a bit of a haze. That summer I went on holiday with a group of friends, and the boys were obsessed with buying and collecting knives. Not in a thuggish way, they weren't like that, they just liked the decorative ones, and the knives were all about as sharp as a dinner knife anyway. In the end they convinced me to buy a pink flick knife, I think they thought there was some poetic irony in it. Later on that summer, I watched Thirteen with my best friend for the first time, which is still my favourite film even now. I have no idea what my exact thought processes were which led me to it, all I know is that I decided I wanted to try and cut myself with my pink blade.

The knife wasn't sharp enough at all of course, but it was enough for a few scratches, and it was enough to get me hooked. For the next four years I self harmed with varying frequency - when I first began it was once every few days, but at one point I went six months without it. My weapon of choice was nail scissors - enough to leave scratches and give me enough of a release, but not enough to draw blood. Ultimately I was too squeamish to be a "proper" cutter, and I told myself that meant I had it under control.

My current two best friends were concerned, but I told them that I'd never drawn blood, that it was all under control. Everyone does things that are bad for them in order to cope - some drink, some smoke, I cut, what's the problem?

This was until a few weeks ago. I'd split up with my boyfriend, and that night he'd told me he didn't want to get back together. I'd spent the night drinking and attempting to have a good night with my friends, but I couldn't fight off how devastated I was. When I got home I cut my arms with a razor for the first time. It genuinely terrified me, and made me realise how little control I do really have over it. I was completely convinced that I would never, ever cut myself deep enough to draw blood, and now I've crossed that boundary I have to accept that enough is enough. So I've quit, and amazingly I haven't gone back. I'm still desperate to, but with willpower and a restriction on my alcohol intake, I haven't given in. I can't promise I won't ever go back to it in future, but for now I'm proud of myself.

sex

2008-11-15T23:12:00.003Z

I am really, really horny right now. I've spent half the afternoon with my Rabbit, and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference.

I think I just miss being with a man. I don't even miss having a boyfriend as such, just having a guy touch me and being in his arms. I'm really tempted to suggest meeting up to my ex. We broke up in January on pretty good terms after being together for a year, and our last time together was absolutely fantastic (probably because we both knew it would be the last time). I miss having that kind of passion in my life. Towards the end of my most recent relationship I felt like my boyfriend just didn't really want me anymore. I want to feel wanted again.

Sleeping with the ex - good idea or bad idea? There is definitely no way I would want to get back in a relationship with him, but he's a lovely guy and I still find him attractive. I feel comfortable with him, I know we'd have a great time - so no problem, right?

Ha, listen to me going on like this like I know for a fact he would even want to sleep with me again.

eating

2008-11-15T16:19:00.004Z

As mentioned in my previous entry, my eating has not been good recently. I just had two slices of toast, and that was the first thing I'd eaten all day (it's 4:30pm). I tend to swing between two extremes when it comes to food and depression - either I'll comfort eat and go through bags of crisps and huge chocolate bars in one sitting, or I just won't eat. Usually it depends on how extreme my depression is; it's only when things get really bad I won't be able to eat.

I've spent ages desperately craving a binge, so in some ways it's now a relief to have no desire to eat. And I hate myself a bit for it, but I've lost about 7 pounds so far and I quite like it. I comfort ate through most of last year when I was at a job I hated, and I just couldn't shift the weight afterwards. I'm finally getting back down to a comfortable weight, and therefore as unhealthy as it is I don't have any real desire to start eating properly again.

I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, my best friend is anorexic and it breaks my heart to see how much she struggles. If anything surely I should be going in the opposite direction, I should want to eat properly so as to not end up like her? But one thing I've learnt throughout my life is that I can't ever force myself to think the logical things I know I should be thinking.

The thing is, when I was at school I was always skinny. I weighed seven and half stone and I could eat anything without putting on weight. I used to go through can after can of Coke every day. Then of course as soon as I went to uni my metabolism changed, and because I'd started binge drinking myself into oblivion every week the weight piled on. And although I've always been a perfectly normal weight, I notice the difference. Being skinny never really did me much good with boys at school as my previous post on relationships will tell you, but I still miss being The Skinny Girl. It was the one thing that made me stand out.

scattered thoughts

2008-11-14T20:39:00.006Z

I could very happily spend the rest of the night in bed. This is bearing in mind that 1) It's only 8:30pm, 2) all I've eaten today is a bowl of porridge and two slices of toast and 3) if I don't do some washing I'm going to have nothing to wear tomorrow. But I have literally no motivation right now.

Life has been a bit of a struggle the last couple of weeks. I wouldn't say I've been really depressed for a long time, but all of a sudden I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks and I'm not sure what's triggered it.

I broke up with my boyfriend just over a month ago, after 8 months. This was someone who I'd trusted enough to tell about my self harm, who told me I was the love of his life and wanted to marry me some day. I'm still devastated it's over, but I was doing OK at first. It's only recently that everything has felt like it's too much. I can't even concentrate on what I'm writing I feel so dizzy from hunger, but I don't have the motivation to make some dinner. Plus my housemate's friends are downstairs and I really can't deal with people right now.

I'm trying to book an appointment with the university counsellor. I've never sought help before and I'm absolutely terrified. So far they don't seem to be that helpful - I tried emailing for an appointment (which it says on the website is possible), and they told me to come in person or call them. So I went to the office and it turns out it's the office for all of student support, including learning difficulties, financial problems etc. I couldn't bear to admit in front of all these "normal" people that I was there for counselling, so I decided to give them a call. I called them about 10 minutes before the office closes, but I still didn't get anyone answering the phone. My intention was to try again today, but after my terrible driving lesson I just haven't had the motivation for anything. I will give them a call on Monday though, I have to. I can't carry on like this.

confidence

2008-11-14T15:50:00.004Z

My driving lesson went pretty awful. Apparently I'm "lacking in confidence" - story of my life really!

I've never really had that much confidence in anything I do. Sometimes it can be easy to fake confidence - if a guy flirts with me in a club I can flirt back pretty easily (usually after a few drinks though), I can dance and kiss and feel attractive. But at the same time, I don't feel like it's me that they're attracted to. I can feel good about my looks when I've done my hair and make up and I'm wearing nice clothes, but when I'm back to being the awkward girl with glasses and jeans and messy hair, I'm not the kind of girl that stands out.

Throughout my time at school, not a single boy fancied me until my final year. Of course I wasn't the only one, but when you're a kid you think you are. Everyone else flirts, everyone else has boyfriends, except me. I had my first boyfriend when I was thirteen, almost fourteen, which isn't even particularly old. It's not the kind of age where, if I told people now, they'd be shocked at how old I was. But from the age of eleven (when I started high school) til thirteen it was the bane of my existance. I actually remember making up a holiday romance story when I was twelve; when we got back to school at the beginning of term I drew "I heart Kyle" all over my homework diary. Not that I think anyone believed it. I remember when I was thirteen hearing a "friend" of mine say behind my back once after an argument, "You know, I don't think she's ever even had a boyfriend before." Once before science class the girls were talking about which boys they'd kissed, and I had to walk away before I had the embarrassment of the question being asked to me.

My boyfriend at thirteen was one of those typical ridiculous relationships you have at that age - my best friend was going out with his best friend, and we'd go round to his house and dare the other couple to kiss. My first kiss was in my boyfriend's bathroom after being dared to by our friends, how very romantic! He bought me a bracelet for Valentines Day which I think may have come from a 20p machine, and we broke up after a month - I think he got his mate to dump me over the phone. But he wasn't a boy from my school, so I never saw him again.

The only other boyfriend I had while I was at school was when I was fifteen to sixteen. This boy was a whole other story which I'm sure I'll divulge at some point, but again, he went to a different school. So throughout my seven years at school, not a single boy asked me out.

When I was in year 13, I used to hang out with a boy in the common room during free periods. We'd just listen to my mp3 player mostly, and although I wasn't attracted to him he was a funny guy, and pretty well liked within the year at school. I still remember my amazement perfectly when a mutual friend told me he liked me. A while later he was at a party, and although I wasn't there (I was never invited to these things), I was told afterwards that he'd drunkenly announced to the whole room, "I'M GOING TO CALL KATIE!" To this day I still can't believe he would actually admit to liking me, after how I was seen by the rest of the year. That's always stuck with me, and even now I still feel that same shock whenever a boy admits to liking me. Which is pretty much my biggest downfall in relationships - I can never quite believe that they really want to be with me. I can put up a flirty front for a short while, but in the end the insecurity seeps through and destroys everything.

driving

2008-11-14T11:38:00.004Z

I have a driving lesson in just over an hour, and as usual I feel physically sick. The anxiety begins the night before each lesson, and doesn't end til the lesson does. When you have two driving lessons a week, you're spending a lot of time in a constant state of anxiety. It's exhausting.

I'm tempted to just quit, it's reaching the point where it's just too damn hard to carry on. But I don't want to quit. I want to overcome this, I want to be able to drive. If I give in now, I'll never be able to do it.

I had a few lessons when I was 17, and ended up giving up because the anxiety was too hard to take. At the time, I think it was more the fear of being alone with another person for an hour, and the fear of him judging me if I couldn't do it. But now I feel (slightly) more confident with strangers, and I like my instructor, so what's the problem? Is it a fear of failure? I don't know. But I have to get through this, no matter how much of a struggle it is.

smashed

2008-11-13T23:16:00.003Z

I've been reading Smashed: Growing Up a Drunk Girl by Koren Zailckas, and I just wanted to share this paragraph. It hit a little bit too close to home the first time I read it.

For many girls, alcohol abuse may be a stage that tapers off after the quarter life mark. Many will be spared arrests, accidents, alcoholism, overdoses, and sexual assaults. A whole lot of them will have close calls, incidents they will recount with self-mocking at dinner parties some fifteen years later. Some of them will have darker stories, memories or half memories or full-out blackouts, that they will store in the farthest corners of their mental histories and never disclose to their families or lovers. But I fear that women, even those women who escape the physical consequences of drinking, won't escape the emotional ones. I fear some sliver of panic, sadness, or self-loathing will always stay with us.

and so it begins

2008-11-13T23:04:00.000Z

I'm not new to blogging - I've had one since I was 17. I've grown with it, made and developed several online friendships, and documented almost every part of my life in it. I say almost every part, because there is a big gaping hole in these 4 years of blog posts. Throughout this time (and many years beforehand), I've been keeping a big part of me secret. And this isn't some big shocking secret, I'm sure there are plenty of 21 year old girls out there just as lost as me. People throw words around like depression and anxiety and self harm and suicidal thoughts and self hatred and low self-esteem, but am I depressed? Am I anxious? Or am I just a completely normal 20-something girl in today's world?

I've carried the weight of these thoughts for about 10 years now. In my early teenage years I probably would have met the exact diagnostic criteria for depression if I'd sought help. But what reason do I have to be depressed? I have both my parents alive and well, who have always been loving and never left me wanting for anything financially. I'm at university, I have friends. What more does a girl really need? Am I just a selfish brat for not being able to appreciate what I have? Do I even deserve help?

It's reached the point that after 10 years I feel that yes, maybe I do need help. I think it would be a relief at this point to have a diagnosis, to be told there is a reason for why I feel this way. Or ultimately, maybe I am just a normal girl. Maybe everyone feels like this, but we all just hide it so well.

I'm not sure what I'd like to achieve with this blog. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what it develops into. I don't know if anyone will gain anything from reading it, I don't know if I'll gain anything from anyone having read it, I don't know if anyone will read it. Ultimately I think it would just be nice to finally put myself out there and let out everything that's been hidden for so long.