please don't leave me

I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.

I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.

OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?