light at the end of the tunnel

In her latest blog, NerdOneirik commented on how people with mental illnesses stop blogging as soon as they get better. And how that's the best time to blog, because it shows others that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So that's what I'm doing now.

I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?

I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.

And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.

So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.

As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.

So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.

counselling

I didn't end up telling The New Boy about my depression. I am a coward. I was kind of hoping he would see my Citalopram and ask about them - he did see them, but he assumed they were contraceptive pills and I kind of didn't correct him. Oops.

I know I should be honest, I know it's not healthy for our relationship for me to be hiding myself from him, but at the same time I like that he doesn't know about that side of me. I like that around him I'm not the "depressed girl", the fact that he doesn't know encourages me to keep my depressiveness (is that a word?) under wraps. If he knew it would be all too easy to start getting depressed around him, and I don't want to be that person. I've been genuinely happy the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose that.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. It went quite well, but it's unfortunate in a way that I'm not currently in a depressed phase at the moment. I don't think I'm going to get as much out of it as I could do because I am happy at the moment, which is actually a bit annoying! But I've probably jinxed it now, I'm sure I'll slip back into depression next week, ha. My counsellor is quite hot as well, how Freudian is that! But considering a) he's married (I checked out the ring finger) and b) he heard me go on about my relationship issues yesterday, I don't think the feelings will be mutual somehow!

I also have loads of homework to do for my counsellor as well. As if I didn't have enough work to do at the moment! I'm following this online CBT program called Beating the Blues - it's so incredibly cheesy (although my counsellor warned me it would be), at one point it had to type in things that had upset me in the week, and a computerised voice said "that must have been very difficult for you", haha. Oh well, I shall perservere.

coda

I finally went to OA and CODA today, and loved it. I wasn't really sure what to expect - well, I was expecting a load of touchy feely peace and love bullshit, which is what I got I suppose, but somehow it worked. I really feel like I got something out of it, and it was a really comfortable environment. I think I'm going to try and find a CODA in my area when I go back to uni.

Funnily enough, my friend bumped into a famous comedian and TV presenter (and equally famous drug addict) on the way to the toilets, he must have been going to NA. I'm dying to tell people who but...anonymity and all!

I'm going away for a few days over the New Year period, so happy new year everyone. Let's hope this year will be better than the last.

co-dependency

My best friend is a recovering anorexic bulimic, and she's invited me to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting tomorrow. It should be interesting. It's mainly just so she can share what it's like with me since she's a big fan of the twelve step program and it's been a big part of her recovery (she followed a twelve step program in rehab), but after discussing our co-dependency issues she suggested that if I like the meeting tomorrow we could try going to Co-Dependents Anonymous together. I didn't know such a thing existed, but apparently it does. I didn't even realise I was co-dependent until my friend labelled it as such, but according to the website it seems to fit me pretty well:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never 'good enough'.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
• I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
• I accept sex when I want love.
• I have to be 'needed' in order to have a relationship with others.

That isn't even the full list, just the ones that apply to me. I always knew I had issues with relationships and needing to feel needed, but it's interesting to be able to give it a name.

diagnosis

I had my second doctor's appointment today, and (I think!) I have officially been diagnosed with severe depression.

He asked me some set questions all beginning with "In the last two weeks how often have you..." and the only one I didn't answer with "everyday" was "have you felt a lack of concentration?" Go me. I don't think he even realised how bad it was before he did this assessment.
"In the last two weeks have you had thoughts of harming yourself?"
"Yes."
"But not that you would act on." (Like it went without saying)
"Um...no...I have actually..."

At the end, after I'd told him I've had a lack of pleasure in doing things, had a low mood, had negative thoughts about myself, wanted to sleep all the time, had very little appetite and had thoughts of harming myself pretty much everyday for the last two weeks, he said, "So it appears you have severe depression." Ha, you think?!

For the record, I do really like him, he comes across as really understanding, but I found the whole assessment process quite amusing. Maybe that's just my weird sense of humour.

But despite all this, today has been the first day since I can remember that I actually felt good all day. It feels like I've been walking on eggshells with myself all day though - constantly being on edge wondering what's going to send me back down, trying to block out all negative thoughts in case my mood switches. Actually it's like trying to tread water when you've got nothing to hold on to - as soon as you start sinking you concentrate all your effort on frantically kicking to get yourself afloat again, and you feel good for not letting yourself sink. But in the back of your mind you have the sinking feeling (no pun intended) that eventually it's going to become too tiring and you won't be able to keep yourself afloat anymore.

the first appointment

I had the doctor's appointment this afternoon. I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram (any readers ever taken this drug before? If so what has your experience of it been like?) and I have another appointment in two weeks.

Strangely, it feels like the world's biggest anti-climax. I was incredibly nervous beforehand and I found actually talking about my symptoms incredibly uncomfortable, but the doctor was really understanding. Now that it's over I do wonder why I put it off for so many years. It's very tempting to play the "what would my life be like if I'd actually taken this step ten years ago" game but I really don't want to go down that road. It's something that kept going over and over in my head for so long, and it took so long to build myself up to doing it I'm now realising that actually that was probably the easiest part as opposed to the hardest part like I thought it would be. I think at this point the hardest part is very much still to come.

i did it

I finally booked a doctor's appointment today, and I am officially terrified.

I met up with a friend for coffee this afternoon, and we had a good talk about everything. She's currently in recovery from anorexia, and she gave me some really good advice. Basically she told me to just do it. Book an appointment (or keep trying til I can) and get it over with. I told her how busy I am this year, and how I'm wondering whether I really have the time, strrength and motivation to dedicate myself to getting better. She pointed out that it doesn't have a be a huge life-altering event, I can just take it one step at a time. I don't need to overload myself with trying to transform myself completely, but even booking one appointment is a step in the right direction.

After we said goodbye I started walking back to uni, and without even meaning to I ended up passing the health centre. And I decided she was right, I needed to take that first step, so I did. I have an appointment on Wednesday.

I know doctors have seen and heard it all before, and I know I won't be the first person to have gone to them with mental health problems, but I still feel like I will be. I still feel like they'll just be thinking what the hell are you going on about, get over it. I don't even have a clue what I'm going to say, I don't even know where to start. But like my friend said, I have to just take it one step at a time.

death

A friend of a friend was rushed to hospital with a brain haemorrage a few days ago, and died today. I barely knew her but even I'm in shock, she was only my age (early twenties) and it came on so suddenly. It's so scary that someone you care about can just disappear out of your life in the blink of an eye. Losing the people I love has always been my biggest fear, I would completely fall apart if anything happened to my best friend or my family.

I had a really horrendous, terrible thought when I found out she was in a coma, which I'm only daring to reveal here because it's anonymous: I wished I was her. I wished I could just slip away without hurting my parents with the knowledge that I wanted it to happen. Even more pathetic was the thought that maybe it would make my ex regret giving up on me and cutting me out of his life so harshly. What the hell is wrong with me? Surely no normal person thinks like that.

I didn't go to the doctor today, and realistically I don't know if I will all week. I'm so swamped in university coursework at the moment, and it's completely out of my way to go to the health centre when I'm busy working. By the time I finish it's dark and cold and I just want to go home. It's a pretty weak excuse, but I seem to have lost my willpower. I'm going through such a stressful time being in my final year of university, do I really have the time and strength to dedicate myself to recovery? I'm not sure whether being too depressed to beat my depression is a complete contradiction in terms or not.

help

If I believed in God I'd think he doesn't want me to get help.

After my struggles to book an appointment with the university counselling service, I decided to try a new tack and go see a GP instead. After my experiences of working for mental health services I've come to the conclusion that medical doctors aren't particularly understanding to those with mental health problems, and it always made me reluctant to see one. But deep down I know this is the best option in the long run - they can prescribe me medication if needed, or refer me to on to a psychologist.

The university health centre has moved from campus to the city centre, and I couldn't find a phone number to book an appointment with, so off I went into town. I eventually reached the health centre to find that it was closed today for staff training. Argh! It takes long enough for me to build up the courage to try and get help and whenever I do I never get anywhere! I know it's only a little thing, but I build myself up for it and I just want to get it over with. I'm going to try again tomorrow, I really hope I make some progress this time.