So much for "blogging even when you're doing well" - I haven't been writing anything, good or bad. I can't believe how long it's been, time really does fly sometimes.
I've been very up and down since the beginning of September when I last wrote. My course has generally been going well, although I did have several points where I really struggled with myself wondering whether this was really what I wanted to be doing. Although I say that, really I was struggling with whether I COULD do it, whether I was good enough. Of course I never think I'm good enough, at anything. Towards the end of my first term of lectures things were really starting to slip - I wasn't turning up to a lot of my lectures, and on my course if attendance drops below a certain level you can be kicked off. So that really wasn't clever. I'm now a week and a half into my first work placement, and it's only now that things have finally clicked into place. It sounds silly, but I'm really in love with my job and with occupational therapy. For the first time in my life I really have the feeling of "yes, this is what I'm meant to do." I've finally found something where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing something important. And I'm ALMOST beginning to feel like I might even be good at it - although there's big emphasis on the "almost" since of course I never really feel like I'm that good at anything.
I just can't seem to deal with failure and criticism at all. I know I'm better than I was, but if I do something wrong I still beat myself up over it. I can't stand being new to something and not being perfect straight away. My supervisor told me I'm doing a good job, but I still can't quite believe it. But I'm loving what I'm doing so much at the moment that the fear and anxiety isn't completely overwhelming.
Speaking of fear, I read a really good tip the other day - next time you feel anxiety or fear building up in you, just focus on the physical site of it (for me it's in my chest). It's amazing, just focusing on the feeling makes it disappear completely - so simple and there seems to be no logic to it, but it works!
Anyway, after my last blog about not wanting to be in a relationship for a while and wanting to learn to be on my own, I've maintained that. I've been single for about 3 months now and I really have no desire to be in a relationship any time soon. I guess partly it's due to cynicism - I've realised I don't actually know that many couples who are genuinely good together and are genuinely happy. Real love seems so rare. I do believe it exists, but I don't believe it really happens to girls like me. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone who can put up with all my craziness and love me for who I am. So I'm just not interested in all that right now - all relationships seem to do is make me depressed and insecure, I'd much rather be on my own and preserve my mental stability!
Although I have no desire for a romantic partner at the moment, I am incredibly lonely sometimes. I've realised I have no real, close friends anymore. I have people I socialise with, but no one I can really talk to about anything. My best friend is in ED treatment in South Africa and is dealing with enough of her own shit at the moment. As for my other best friend...well, something has changed. I'm not sure what, I just think maybe she's not the person she used to be. She's become really judgemental and harsh, and I just don't feel comfortable opening up to her anymore. So because of that, sometimes the loneliness gets really overwhelming. I've realised I'm really withdrawing from people emotionally - I just don't open up to anyone anymore. I don't depend on anyone emotionally. And for now that's "safe" for me, it means I don't get hurt and sink back into the horrible depression I was in before. But I think it's taking its toll in the long run.
Does anyone have any experience/understanding of dysthymia? I came across the term the other day, and I really think that's what I have. I've had this constant underlying depression for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 11 or 12. Possibly when I was even younger, but I can't remember back that far. Most of the time (like now) it's bearable and I can function just about, but every now and then it'll flare up into major depression. No matter what, it never really goes away. I think suddenly doing a job I love and getting that burst of happiness from it has made me realise that even when things are "OK" I never really know what it's like to be happy.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Sunday, 6 September 2009
light at the end of the tunnel
In her latest blog, NerdOneirik commented on how people with mental illnesses stop blogging as soon as they get better. And how that's the best time to blog, because it shows others that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So that's what I'm doing now.
I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?
I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.
And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.
So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.
As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.
So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.
I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?
I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.
And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.
So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.
As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.
So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
facing the fear
Unsurprisingly, considering my terrible luck with the opposite sex this year, things are over with The Pianist. Apparently he's too busy in his life for a relationship at the moment. It hurt at the time, but I'm feeling OK now. I think it's time to face my fear of being alone for once. As soon as I break up with someone I feel like I have to find someone else in order to move on, and to avoid my crippling fear that I'll sink back into depression because I have nothing to focus my life on. In order to keep myself going I always have to have a particular purpose in life - I think that's why I enjoy university, because I feel like I'm working towards a goal. Being in a relationship gives me that feeling as well, especially at the beginning when the relationship is first progressing. I guess it makes sense that my relationships always falter when things begin to settle down, because that's when it gets into a routine and I don't feel like I'm moving forward any more, I lose my sense of progression and purpose.
So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.
Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.
So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.
Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.
Sunday, 5 July 2009
falling
Today has been hard. Seeing the ex seems to have triggered something in me - my old anxiety is back, I really don't want tomorrow to come. I'm nervous about my driving lesson, even though I know I'm a good driver and I just need practise. I'm nervous about meeting an online friend for the first time tomorrow, even though we get on really well and I know we'll have a laugh.
I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.
I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.
getting weary
Blonde came out of hospital, so we met up this evening and she seems to be doing OK. She was determined to eat normally and not purge, and she did well.
I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.
I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.
Saturday, 4 July 2009
return
Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.
So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.
Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.
University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.
Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.
I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?
So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.
Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.
University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.
Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.
I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?
Monday, 13 April 2009
let go
I ended up contacting Ex No. 3 last night on Facebook, in a moment of weakness/madness/sadness/loneliness/nostalgia. As much of a nice guy InternetGuy is, and as much as No. 3 hurt me, I'm not over him. I really loved him, and that's not something I seem to be able to forget easily.
It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.
But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.
I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.
It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.
But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.
I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.
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