breaking the silence

Apologies for the disappearance - I just haven't felt like writing much lately and my dissertation has become my life. I struggle to focus on anything else, and I suppose it's a good thing that I'm getting it done, but I think I'm neglecting people. I find it all too easy to isolate myself, even when I'm not drowning in coursework.

I had an interview today to join a program which can means I can work abroad this summer. I would so love to go, I think it would be exactly what I need. To get away, to excape, to explore, to have an adventure. The only problem is that my graduation ceremony is in the middle of July, if I get onto my postgrad course that will start sometime at the beginning of September, and the minimum I can work abroad for on this program is two months. I'm not really sure if the timing is going to work so I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up.

I've been chatting to this guy online, and he's coming to visit this weekend. I don't really want to talk about it because there are so many aspects of the situation where I'm not sure how I feel about it. Maybe I'll talk about it after the weekend and I know how it went. I'm just feeling slightly guarded at the moment and I have no idea why, since this is supposed to be my place where I can let everything out.

I'm still continuing with counselling, and although I feel like I'm getting more out of it I find it slightly awkward. I don't know if this is how it always is or I just have a bad counsellor, but he doesn't seem to want me to talk about deep stuff. He always says, "I don't want to make you talk about something too personal" whenever he asks about something remotely personal, but surely that's the whole point of therapy? And whenever I mention anything remotely heavy or dark he just seems to look uncomfortable, one time he actually just changed the subject completely. What have other people's experiences of therapy been like, is this normal?

valentine

The boy and I just broke up. He'd been a twat to me all weekend, and then today he shouted at me that I'm a "stupid fuck with no common sense" because I asked him how he had a train ticket (he said he had one but I was confused because I knew he didn't). I literally just walked straight out the station and went home without saying a word, and he texted me apologising and asking if we can still be friends. I'm not that desperate for friends, thanks.

You know the saddest thing? I put up with it all weekend and forgave him at first because deep down I don't feel like I deserve any better than that. I don't really believe I'll get anything better than that. And the part of me that is so filled with self hatred enjoys seeing me get treated like that.

I suppose I should be happy that whatever self respect I have won out in the end.

numb

I wish I could get drunk without severe depression kicking in. I miss alcohol being my escape. I know that's not sensible or productive, but I miss having an escape.

I feel sick, and I'm so tempted to make myself throw up again. Bingeing and purging - what a great habit to get into considering my (so called) best friend is a (so called) recovering anorexic bulimic.

resolved

Things came to a head with the boy last night. Turns out last weekend was still playing on his mind, and all my insecurities about wasting my time on someone who wasn't really that bothered about me ending up seeping out. To cut a lot story short, things have been resolved and I'm a lot more content.

I have a presentation at uni tomorrow which would have been my worst nightmare in the past, but actually I'm OK with it. Sometimes it's nice to look back on how far I've come in terms of my social anxiety, and be proud of my progress.

please ignore the swearing below

I am so sick of lying to people. When you're physically ill, everyone understands why you can't do things, why you struggle. But because I can't tell most people about my depression I end up having to constantly lie and make excuses, and it's so fucking exhausting.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today for lunch, but I woke up to a phone call at 1:30pm asking if we were still on. I'd woken up intermittently throughout the morning and had ultimately decided all I wanted to do was sleep. All I ever want to do is sleep. But now I'm awake I'm back to the usual guilt - I'm gutted I've wasted half the day, and let down a friend, it would have been nice to see him, and now I won't sleep tonight, etc etc. I go through this cycle of actions and thoughts almost everyday and I still always let the depression win. I'm so fucking angry at myself for constantly doing this.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counselling either. I like my counsellor, but it's not helping. And I fucking hate this CBT computer program I have to do. To be fair it would probably be useful for some people, but I know all about it already from doing a Psychology degree. I know about automatic negative thoughts, I fucking hate having to constantly be rating my mood and doing shitty activity diaries. I came into this with a really open mind and I'm almost halfway through now and I don't feel it's helping me at all.

I feel like I've ended up in the kind of one way relationship I used to let myself get involved in when I was younger with the boy. He was struggling at work all week, feeling like he was doing badly and wanting to quit, and I spent all week comforting him, making him realise he's good at his job and he shouldn't give up. But he keeps trying to play these stupid games where he jokes around and acts like he's not really that interested in me, and it's getting really tiring. I know the obvious thing to think is "well maybe he's not that interested in me", but I know he is. I don't question that he is. But it's like he has to play these stupid games to maintain some kind of power and illusion of coolness, and it's just boring now.

Last night he asked what I like about him, so I told him. So then I asked him the same thing, and he kept avoiding the question. So I asked again, and his response was "I'm off to bed now, bye."

Via text:
"You know I am gonna get bored of your games sooner or later."
"?"
About half an hour later...
"Ignore me, I'm just in a bad mood. Goodnight."
"Grumpy :P"

Great, thanks for that, when I've been there for you all week when you've been in a bad mood.

I'm am so fucking sick of everything. Argh.

/rant

mess

I'm back to the old classic of pretending I'm ill so people won't question why I'm spending all day in bed, or worse, laugh at me for being lazy. People must think I have the weakest immune system/most temperamental digestive system ever.

I have a counselling session this afternoon and I've spent the last 3 hours debating whether to go. I'll hate myself if I cancel. I can't cope with going.

I can't make sense of my own head at the moment, let alone try and express my thoughts to someone else. I just plain and simply don't know why I feel like this.

digusted

I haven't got really drunk in a long time, but Saturday night was bad. Really bad.

I went to a boy from school's house with another school friend and the boy. Playing Centurion with home-made mojitos resulted in me sobbing on the kitchen floor, then later on having a huge blowout with the boy, telling him I didn't need him and screaming at him to stay away from me, apparently spitting in his face (although I don't remember this, and never thought I would be capable of it) and going into the bathroom to find something to cut with (fortunately I didn't find anything). I apologised in the morning, and amazingly he's forgiven me.

Why is it that whenever I end up with something remotely good in my life I have to press the self destruct button? Why do I do it? In relationships I push and push them, I'm constantly testing them to see how much they'll put up with. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fuck up another good thing. I can't help but be filled with self-hatred, I really don't deserve him.