understanding

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.