Things still aren't improving. I'm still wanting to sleep all the time, I still have no desire to eat, things still seem hopeless.
I'm starting to obsess over the future. When I finish university I want to do an Occupational Therapy MSc, which is going to be a really intensive course. What if I can't do it? What if I can't cope? I'm going to be going back to living with my mum who barely talks to me, and now my sister's moved out I'm going to be pretty much on my own. I've only really got my best friend at home that I can socialise with, and I have so much trouble making friends that there's no guarantees I'll make friends on my course. And similarly, I can't imagine there'll be many opportunities for me to meet guys, so getting a boyfriend will be pretty unlikely. And once I graduate, then what? I pinned all my hopes of happiness on finding a job that I'll love, and I do love occupational therapy, but come on, this is me - I'm never going to be happy at anything I do am I?
About Me
- Katie
- My name is Katie, I'm a twenty-something Londoner and student occupational therapist. I haven't figured out any more than that yet.
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3 comments:
Try not to let to many things pile up on you. Especially when those things are far off into the future. It's important to plan for things to come but it is impossible control everyhting. I know that sometimes I wonder "whats the point." Because it feels like I'm never going to get what I want out of life. One of my problems is that I am so afraid of failure that I don't even try. As a result I end up with nothing which is what I was afraid of in the first place. Crazy huh? Also I have herd that it can take months for some medication to work. Maybe the meds still need time before they start helping. But I just try to put one foot in front of the other. I try not to look at the miles and miles ahead of me, just the next couple of steps. I hope things get better for you.
Hmm... I agree with "ordinary", don't let the future weigh you down like that. I myself suffer from Bipolar Type 2, and if I even begin to think of "what I want to do when I grow up" I break in to a panic. Ironically, my manic phases turn me in to this hyper-productive person who wants to go back to college and straighten her life out, then when the mania wears off in usually about four days, I'm left with this "oh shit" feeling of, "what do I want to do now? Did I REALLY want to be a baker? I HATE cooking..." And so on... If I even begin to think about the slllloooooowww rate at which I'll be earning any degree, I want to vomit. I think about the fact that with work and a daughter I'll only be able to handle one course per semester, and thanks to my partying, I have zero credits to start from... You get the pic. At that rate, I envision graduating at the same time as my grandmother will. Actually, as she just got her associate's, she'll graduate first. :P
Meds to take a while to work; many of them take three to four weeks to build up enough in the blood to even be effective, and on top of that some just take longer. Worse yet, some just don't work in some people. I did the dance; it took six years of starting and stopping different families of antidepressents and messing around with combinations to get one that "mostly" works. It's still not perfect, I didn't wake up one day with cartoon forest animals cleaning my room while I whistled a cute tune. On top of that, I often forget to take my meds, and find once-a-month trips to my doc difficult to work in to my schedule, so right now as I type I am going through yet another rough withdrawl, only this time it's from TWO antidepressants and ONE mood stabalizer/antipsychotic. As I said, it takes tweaking with combos to get the drugs to work. I've tried SSRI's, which do absolutely nothing for me (Prozac, Cymbalta, Lexapro) and atypicals, which are what I wound up sticking with only after an ironic allergic reaction with the ONE that finally worked almost killed me (thank GOD for name brands vs. generics!). I found that if I took just the typical dose of Wellbutrin SR (the XL is what I was allergic to-the only allergic reaction I've ever had in my life, btw) I was still too down; my shrink added 150 mg (TWICE the typical dose) of Effexor to my diet. The combo of both antidepressants was making me TOO high, pushing me in to mania (I cycle heavily in depression). She decided to add a mood stabalizer to bring me back down. I have tried mood stabalizers from catagories of meds they give to people with Parkinsons and Tourettes and Epilepsy; they all SUCKED as far as side effects. Ironically the side effects they created in me, someone who suffered none of the ailments they were created to help, were the same as if I had those diseases!!! I tried Topamax (THE WORST!!!), Tegretal/Equetro, and Depakote, Seraquil and Zyprexa. I don't remember the name of the one, but one was so horrible that twelve hours after I'd take it, I'd still fall asleep while driving to work, in addition to the rapid weight gain and possibility of causing Type 2 Diabetes it was known to do... Stopped that one when I woke up in the opposite lane of traffic a few miles from my job. I now take Lithium (when I remember) with my Wellbutrin and Effexor. I still mess up my schedule and dosing, and suffer both physically and mentally with it.
The point to all my rambling, and I swear there's a point, is that the one med (or whatever your doc has you on) you're currently trying may not be enough, or it may just not be targeting the correct chemicals in your brain to begin with. I spent years avoiding a psychiatrist and going to my family doc for my drugs, and I reasearched the shit out of my disease and recovery. I self-diagnosed, and basically self-prescribed, only using my doc for her prescription pad. Eventually, I just got tired. I was so low all the time, that I just couldn't take it any more. Exhausted and broken, I went to a shrink, told her not to try to get me to talk, and just prescribe me something. "Doc, I'm tired." I said. "I don't believe in chat therapy, I believe in a chemical imbalance corrected by drugs. I believe I'm too tired to research myself any more. I need your help." And I found a doc that would oblige. It's a very trying road to walk every day, but for your own sake you have to keep trudging foward. If your current plan isn't working, ask your doc to switch receptors. Seratonin dind't do it for me, I had to find a combo that is currently targeting like every happy chemical my brain could produce. And short of begging my doc to write me a script for Ecstacy, I was at a complete loss for what to do. If you feel helpless that your current treatment isn't working, check out WebMD. They got me through a lot. Check your library for a DSM (Psychiatrist's Diagnostics and Statistics Manual; it's what they use to diagnose mental illensses); my boy at the time was a Psych major, and I bought him one and we immediately sat down with it, following the tree to see what brand of crazy I was. I then used that to search out possible treatment, then conferred with the shrink. Like I said, it was a long and hard road, and I still fuck it up all the time. But hang in there kiddo, you'll find something that works for you.
As far as the other things you're dealing with; try not to worry about that right now. You can't control how your mother will be when you return home. You can't plan exactly how your future will run. But you can work with your doc in getting a treatment that will help your symptoms, and once those become more manageable, the overwhelming future stuff will be slightly less intimidating. :)
My e-mail: e_lintz@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk off here. I'm very vocal about my diagnosis and treatment hell. Always remember, you are not alone, no matter how lonely the disease makes you feel.
~Erin, 28/f, certified bipolar and crazy :)
Thanks for the comments. I know I shouldn't worry about the future but I can't seem to help it at the moment. I just want to feel better already, I'm too impatient waiting to see if these meds have an effect!
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