Tonight I had thoughts of suicide. And you know the first thing that popped into my head, my number one reason for not killing myself? I hadn't shaved my legs. I don't want to leave a hairy-legged corpse.
You have to laugh really...
About Me
- Katie
- My name is Katie, I'm a twenty-something Londoner and student occupational therapist. I haven't figured out any more than that yet.
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8 comments:
That is the darkest, funniest thing I have herd in a long time. Sounds like one of those "If I didn't laugh I'd cry." moments.
Yeah it was, funnily enough I think that thought that was the first thing that made me smile all day!
nice. I have had similar thoughts. Vain even in death. What is wrong with us??! I'm glad that made you smile.
In reply to a comment you left on SOmething More Than Ordinary's blog, Girl, you do NOT want bipolar disorder. It's hell. And you can get better from depression. You will. You must. And it's okay that it's going to take however long it's going to take. It is challenging when people expect you to "cheer up" and you just. physically. can't. Most people don't get it. They have been sad before, sure, but the despair that comes with depression is not something they can even comprehend.
I hope you can find someone who is willing to just hold you close and not judge you. Sometimes I think that the dark lonliness we feel could almost be erased by a person willing to love without judging. It takes a mighty strong person to do that, though, doesn't it. It's a lot to hope for. But it must exist somewhere, don't you think?
Hey, whatever gets you through, right? Shaved legs today, clean underwear tomorrow, and before you know it, you don't want to die any more most of the time. :) Baby steps. I'm glad you found something to keep you here, no matter how superficial you think it is. It's a reason to live, versus the previous mindset of reasons NOT to live. :D Keep your head up!
You have to laugh really to keep from crying. And this is pretty funny.
Hrmmm.
Girl, I want to reply to your post but something has kinda irked me and since you haven't deleted the comment I'm assuming there is a private joke involved. Also, if you don't post this on your blog or if you delete it I totally understand as i must be missing something here.
Willie, I'll be blunt: your comment kinda makes me want to punch you in the face. I am well aware that there are people dying every day in the world. I am well aware that I have an incredibly lucky life. So, don't you think that people who are depressed or bipolar realize this and begin to hate themselves even more? That perhaps this feeling ISN'T SOMETHING WE CAN CONTROL? That there is no switch that will turn a light bulb on above our heads making us go "OMG life is so awesome, I need to stop wallowing". No one would choose to be depressed.
I know life is precious that's why I refuse to end mine. BUT you must understand that since thoughts of suicide cross the brains of people that are mentally ill, it is not something they can control because it goes AGAINST the very essence of life - the will to live. There are so many beautiful things in life and I'm so very lucky for everything that I have. But don't you DARE try and guilt trip people that already struggle with self loathing.
Sorry Girl, I hope I didn't offend you.
Willie, I am giving you a one finger salute.
/rant.
PS- Girl, I do really like your blog.
Nerdoneirik: oh dear, I am tired - I was completely confused for a good 5 minutes at your anger towards me, until I realised it was meant for someone else. Doh!
I was actually planning on deleting Willie's comment, not because I find it completely ignorant about depression (although I do), but because I don't like advertising on my blog. But actually I just plain and simply forgot to delete it.
I 100% agree with you though - having depression means you can't control your depressive thoughts even if there is nothing "wrong" with your life, and the guilt makes it so much harder. That's what people just don't understand about depression - they think people are just depressed because they have something in their life to be depressed about, which isn't always the case. I can't count the amount of times people have asked me, "What's wrong?" and I don't even know where to begin.
I watched this movie once about this girl whose mother ran out on her. In a break down moment she said that she just wanted to grab people and scream at them that her mother left her when she was just a child. That if she could just some how convey to everyone how terrible it was then maybe they would understand.
I feel this way a lot of the time. I just want to grab people by the ears, stand nose to nose, and yell my lungs out that I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION! It's like if I can make that confrontation violent enough then maybe they'll get it. Maybe then they'll try to understand. But I had a teacher once who told me something very wise. He said imagine trying to desribe what salt tastes like to someone who has never tasted it. You can say it tastes salty but they'll have no idea of what that is. If they've never had salt they can never know.
I think it's hard for us to explain ourselves to people who aren't going through what we've gone through. They can be helpful, and supportive, and even understanding to some degree. But they don't actually know for themselves what it's like. I'm sure Willie was trying to be helpful, or rather he was trying to advertise. But he did at least read your post. I've seen other ads that don't even bother. Anyway, my point is really just echoing what you just said. People ask me in passing "How are you doing." I want to tell them the truth, which is that I have to wake up everyday and talk myself out of suicide. And that's not a fun conversation to have everyday. But I know that their just trying to make small talk. They don't really want to know, and even if I wanted to tell them... where would I begin.
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