tired

The last week has been quite hectic, hence the lack of posting. I've been feeling pretty good actually over the last couple of days, I went out socialising (and really enjoyed it) for the first time in a while on Thursday night, and Friday was spent rushing around handing in my coursework, going to the doctor and meeting Ex N0.2 for the first time since May. And of course packing to come home.

Seeing the ex was lovely - a bit too lovely, I don't think I'm over him. Which is so not a good situation. I ultimately chose Ex No.3 over him, and I wouldn't want him to think I'm crawling back to him now it's over with the other guy. I'm not even entirely over the other guy, and I'm not sure if I'm developing feelings for him again for the wrong reasons.

I'm just realising how much I underestimated him when we were together, it's only since we split up that I've realised how (freakishly) similar we were are so many ways. I kept myself so guarded because I was always convinced he wouldn't understand me and my depression, but now I feel like he probably would have done if I've given him the chance. I'm really noticing the difference in maturity level between him and No.3, who I always thought understood me and my depression but ultimately didn't at all. But I'm keeping my feelings to myself at the moment, it would just be nice to meet up with him again after Christmas and see how it goes.

So my mood was pretty good for a few days, I seemed to have incredible amounts of energy. I thought maybe my meds were finally having an effect, until I crashed today. I woke up at 10:30am, texted my friend to tell her I didn't have the energy to come meet her in town, woke up again at 1:30pm when my mum came home from work, and then woke up again at 6pm. It's 9:30pm now, and I still want to sleep.

I think the lack of energy is probably the hardest part of my depression. I can pretend to be happy, I can put on a front and function well enough, but when I have such extreme tiredness I just can't function. And then everyone wonders why I'm so tired, and usually makes fun of me for being lazy when I spend all day in bed and/or miss lectures and social events because of it. And since I take criticism (or what I percieve to be criticism) so hard, it hurts when I can't make them understand that I can't help it, either because I haven't told them about my depression or they just don't understand.

It's my good friend's birthday tomorrow and I want to be looking forward to it, but really I just want to sleep.