After a conversation with my best friend today and reading a post by Something More Than Ordinary, I've been thinking.
Is it actually possible for someone with mental health problems to have a relationship (that works) with someone who never has? In my experience (and after talking to the best friend about her experiences), no you can't.
Ex #1: The first love. I was fifteen when we started going out, and I was absolutely head over heels about him. I thought he was the one, I thought for the first time I had someone who really understood me and really cared about me and would stick with me like no one else had. We went out for just over a year, and then he dumped me for someone else. To say that I was devastated would be a slight understatement.
Ex #2: We went out for just under a year when I was nineteen, and he hardly knew anything about me. I didn't tell him about any of my problems, especially not my self harm. Ultimately I feel it didn't work out because I always kept a barrier between us. I didn't feel I could really be myself by telling him the truth. He is a lovely guy, but I just don't think he would have understood. And because of what happened with Ex #1, I was too scared to allow myself to get that close to someone again. (Incidentally, this is the guy I was thinking of having ex-sex with.)
Ex #3: We started going out at the beginning of this year, and broke up just over a month ago. I felt we developed a strong connection almost instantly, and I finally had someone I could be myself with. I told him about my depression and self harm after only a few weeks, and he seemed to understand. I still don't know what happened, but eventually that trust seemed to fade away. When I first told him about the self harm I promised I would stop (I have since learned never to make a promise like that to anyone), and just never told him when I started again, until the end of our relationship when I'd reached breaking point. The thing is, I know my "issues" made him incredibly uncomfortable whenever I'd tried to talk about it. When I finally, painfully, revealed that I was still cutting, I got pretty much no reaction. I desperately wanted something from him; I wanted to know that he cared, and that he loved me enough to help me through it, but I got nothing. I think I broke up with him to test him, to see if he'd still stick around even if I pushed him away, and the test failed. I think in the end he was probably relieved that he'd had an "escape".
So back to my original point. Is it possible to find someone who will stick around, who will love you unconditionally and be willing to help you through the low points? Is it even fair of me to expect someone to be willing to do that? But on the other hand, surely it can never really work if you keep things to yourself, because there will always be that wall there?
My parents divorce also gave me a pretty dismal view of everlasting, unconditional love, and although I'm pretty sure it does exist for some people, I just can't imagine anyone would ever feel that strongly about me.
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I am probably the last person who should comment on this subject, but isn't this what love is all about? Staying by someone's side and supporting him/her even if he/she has problems, even in the low points... Especially in the low points! But unconditional love? No, I don't think there is such a thing. It is a two way street - you can't expect to receive without giving, you can expect from him/her to help you solve a problem if you don't tell them about it or if you don't even try solving it, you can't expect him/her to stay by your side through rough times if you are not willing to do the same for them...
But that is just me, a stupid romantic looking for the perfect mate, the perfect relationship... No wonder I am still single ....
The question you ask will be answered by 90% of the population the same way. They will tell you that there is somebody out there for everybody. That one day your going to meet someone and know that your supposed to be with them forever. But that's not the answer people like us are looking for. We know that it is probably true, but in our world that has proven to be nothing but cruel. It's hard for us to see that is even possible.
The whole subject of "Love" is something I have alternate views on. I think of it as more of a convienient settlement. People fall in love when they are ready to settle. When they are no longer interested in that settlement, it's over. So going out there looking for somebody to love you for who you are, well that makes it tough. Now we have to find somebody willing to accept you for who you are and ready to settle. That can prove to be more of a task than seems worth. It's hard. But like I have said before, you can't take any of this to serious.This world will eat you up. I find that if you sit back and wait for good stuff happen. You end up getting bed sores. You got to make life, or else your life ends up making you.
I grew up watching disney, didn't we all? Anyway one of the lines that stuck was from sleeping beauty. "True love conquers all." I want to beleive that it does. But life has knocked me around a bit and one of the chunks that got chipped off in the tussle was the part that naievly believed in magical romances. The lack of that piece of me still causes me to want to believe in love. But it's darker now, like a ghost haunting the place it used to reside in.
I never want to say that people can't do things. I know that people can do anything. The question is will they do it? Will a person who never experienced a mental health problem be able to love and understand someone who has? I like to think that they can, I just don't know if they will. But then there's no guarantees that someone who has a shared history will love you.
Bottom line for me is you have to acceprt love from wherever it comes from. It's kinda like the tide, it ebbs and flows. Closing yourself off is a great way to protect yourself, but it also keeps you issolated. Take it from me. I've built so many walls in my life it's all I can see. Now I have to tear them down.
There are a couple of things in this life that you can count on. Death is one of them, love isn't. But love is better. It would be my hope that everyone can find love. Just the hope of that has made my life worth living.
In my limited experience, no matter how much someone might try to empathize and support, if your partner hasn't been through depression, they can't understand and eventually get tired of need.
My husband's depression is not as severe as mine (dysthymia vs. major depression), but because he's experienced depression, he understands that I can't always "just get out of bed and you'll feel better," and that I'm not being lazy or manipulative. I throw those arguments at myself all the time--the fact that he doesn't join the party is sometimes the only thing keeping me going.
For reasons I can't quite understand but am eternally grateful for, he doesn't love me in spite of the depression, but loves ME. So even though I often wondered if I could ever find love as someone who has always struggled with depression and maybe always will, the answer is YES. It is possible, and it is beautiful, and I think having experienced depression, however briefly, may be necessary.
He's also got quite a bit more anxiety than I do. I think if he didn't have his own issues, it would feel too unequal.
First off, I have to say I give major props for you going vocal with your illness. I have suffered from worsening conditions for over ten years now... Started depressed as a youngster (my family used to call me "Eeyore", not realizing what was really going on at the time; this dates back to middle-school) and now am bipolar type 2 with developing anxiety. I am very vocal about my problems, mostly in an attempt to educate others on mental illness.
In response to the questions you posed in this particular blog... The romantic in me says it's possible for two people to unconditionally love each other no matter what; no matter the obstacles, the inexperience in dealing with one another's afflictions, etc... However, the cynical bitch who will wind up a dried-up old spinster with many many cats and a stinky house thinks any relationship is doomed because people are losing their ability to love, to relate, to empathise, to give themselves to another person the way I believe is truly necessary to make any relationship succeed. Have you ever in your life heard of a cynical romantic? At any rate, I tend to think, in a way, that it's not the mental illness aspect that dooms any relationship; either it's going to work, or it's not, regardless of the obstacles. So my convoluted answer: yes and no. :) I like to think it is possible to have an understanding partner who can help you through the difficult times, but at the same time, I have a really hard time truly accepting that any relationship can work out, even if both members are "perfect", or without our problems. Plus, I've noticed, even if people say they don't have a mental illness, they really do. At my work, probably 75-80% of the staff is currently on antidepressants, anxiety meds, or self-medicating with booze and self-prescribed opiates like Vicodin. And I work with about 35 people...
I definitely think of myself as a cynical romantic. I love romance and I'd love to believe that I'll find someone who can accept me (and all my bullshit), but realistically I just don't think I will.
But in response to Anonymous, it's good to know that it's possible. :)
Ahh love. I just wrote a lovely post about this (note, there is very heavy sarcasm attached with that statement).
At this point, I am 80% that I will not find love. There are a plethora of reasons why I believe this. One of them is being unable to accept love. Baggage from my past has taught me to stay closed. To never let anyone in. YET I am completely open on my blog. But doing it face to face... *gulp*.
I understand that no relationship will ever be easy but I am the master of pushing people away. It is not a title I covet. I just do. It's like you said, a push pull thing to see if they come back.
They never do. At least for me.
It's funny. Right now I am reading a book titled "An Unquiet Mind". It's the memoir of a Dr of Psychology who actually suffers from acute bipolar I. In it she describes finding men I never thought existed. Men that wholly accepted the fact that she was dealing with this illness and didn't care. I try very hard not to scoff at this notion.
Hope can be illusive and dim at times, but it always seems to be there. Even though I am incredibly jaded, I still hope.
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