and so it begins

I'm not new to blogging - I've had one since I was 17. I've grown with it, made and developed several online friendships, and documented almost every part of my life in it. I say almost every part, because there is a big gaping hole in these 4 years of blog posts. Throughout this time (and many years beforehand), I've been keeping a big part of me secret. And this isn't some big shocking secret, I'm sure there are plenty of 21 year old girls out there just as lost as me. People throw words around like depression and anxiety and self harm and suicidal thoughts and self hatred and low self-esteem, but am I depressed? Am I anxious? Or am I just a completely normal 20-something girl in today's world?

I've carried the weight of these thoughts for about 10 years now. In my early teenage years I probably would have met the exact diagnostic criteria for depression if I'd sought help. But what reason do I have to be depressed? I have both my parents alive and well, who have always been loving and never left me wanting for anything financially. I'm at university, I have friends. What more does a girl really need? Am I just a selfish brat for not being able to appreciate what I have? Do I even deserve help?

It's reached the point that after 10 years I feel that yes, maybe I do need help. I think it would be a relief at this point to have a diagnosis, to be told there is a reason for why I feel this way. Or ultimately, maybe I am just a normal girl. Maybe everyone feels like this, but we all just hide it so well.

I'm not sure what I'd like to achieve with this blog. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what it develops into. I don't know if anyone will gain anything from reading it, I don't know if I'll gain anything from anyone having read it, I don't know if anyone will read it. Ultimately I think it would just be nice to finally put myself out there and let out everything that's been hidden for so long.