So I finally got out of bed at 6:30pm. Had a shower, cut myself and then almost fainted. I suppose it was a bit silly to have a hot shower when I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours.
About the cutting - I lasted about a month before giving in, I suppose that's not bad. It wasn't even worth it. For possibly the first time ever I didn't even feel anything emotionally or physically, I'm that numb.
I just feel so alone at the moment. I can't talk to my parents about it, the ex couldn't care less about me, and my two friends who I usually can talk to about this stuff don't seem to care at all.
I weighed myself earlier for the first time in a couple of weeks or so, and I've now lost over a stone (fifteen pounds) since the summer. I was actually shocked, I didn't think I'd been eating that badly recently (this weekend not included). You'd think that would make me want to eat something, but I still don't care enough, and I'm not even that hungry.
I actually haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.*
*For the record, I'm not going to act on it.
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2 comments:
Your not alone. Me and the others who read this blog are here. While we're not near enough to see we are near enough to listen. Trying to break out of the sadness is a process that can feel worse than the misery itself. Is there light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know. I've never been there. People tell me that there is. So I keep going. You have to keep going too. If things don't get better call your doctor. Maybe there is something they can do to help.
When runners get going on a race sometimes they hit "the wall." I think that on the road to recovery there are many walls that we might hit. I encourage you to keep going. I know it's hard. But keep going. I wish you the best in your fight. Now go eat something alright.
Thank you for the support, it really means a lot. I definitely think I've hit a wall in the last few days, I'm forcing myself to carry on but the fight is so hard sometimes.
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