eating

As mentioned in my previous entry, my eating has not been good recently. I just had two slices of toast, and that was the first thing I'd eaten all day (it's 4:30pm). I tend to swing between two extremes when it comes to food and depression - either I'll comfort eat and go through bags of crisps and huge chocolate bars in one sitting, or I just won't eat. Usually it depends on how extreme my depression is; it's only when things get really bad I won't be able to eat.

I've spent ages desperately craving a binge, so in some ways it's now a relief to have no desire to eat. And I hate myself a bit for it, but I've lost about 7 pounds so far and I quite like it. I comfort ate through most of last year when I was at a job I hated, and I just couldn't shift the weight afterwards. I'm finally getting back down to a comfortable weight, and therefore as unhealthy as it is I don't have any real desire to start eating properly again.

I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, my best friend is anorexic and it breaks my heart to see how much she struggles. If anything surely I should be going in the opposite direction, I should want to eat properly so as to not end up like her? But one thing I've learnt throughout my life is that I can't ever force myself to think the logical things I know I should be thinking.

The thing is, when I was at school I was always skinny. I weighed seven and half stone and I could eat anything without putting on weight. I used to go through can after can of Coke every day. Then of course as soon as I went to uni my metabolism changed, and because I'd started binge drinking myself into oblivion every week the weight piled on. And although I've always been a perfectly normal weight, I notice the difference. Being skinny never really did me much good with boys at school as my previous post on relationships will tell you, but I still miss being The Skinny Girl. It was the one thing that made me stand out.