A friend of a friend was rushed to hospital with a brain haemorrage a few days ago, and died today. I barely knew her but even I'm in shock, she was only my age (early twenties) and it came on so suddenly. It's so scary that someone you care about can just disappear out of your life in the blink of an eye. Losing the people I love has always been my biggest fear, I would completely fall apart if anything happened to my best friend or my family.
I had a really horrendous, terrible thought when I found out she was in a coma, which I'm only daring to reveal here because it's anonymous: I wished I was her. I wished I could just slip away without hurting my parents with the knowledge that I wanted it to happen. Even more pathetic was the thought that maybe it would make my ex regret giving up on me and cutting me out of his life so harshly. What the hell is wrong with me? Surely no normal person thinks like that.
I didn't go to the doctor today, and realistically I don't know if I will all week. I'm so swamped in university coursework at the moment, and it's completely out of my way to go to the health centre when I'm busy working. By the time I finish it's dark and cold and I just want to go home. It's a pretty weak excuse, but I seem to have lost my willpower. I'm going through such a stressful time being in my final year of university, do I really have the time and strength to dedicate myself to recovery? I'm not sure whether being too depressed to beat my depression is a complete contradiction in terms or not.
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- Katie
- My name is Katie, I'm a twenty-something Londoner and student occupational therapist. I haven't figured out any more than that yet.
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5 comments:
I think "being too depressed to beat" your "depression," is the definition of deperssion. That's where you live when your in it's grips. It is also a one of the ugly facets of the disease that most people not afflicted with it don't understand.
I had a dream once where I thought I died and it was like going to sleep without dreaming. It was so peacfeul that I nearly cried when I woke up. I don't know if death is really like that. But when life is miserable is it any wonder that some of us long for it's end. When life is the problem death seems to be the answer. Do normal people think like that? I don't know. I've never considered myself a normal person. But I am trying to find a better way to live.
I don't think anything is more important than recovery. But life doesn't always make that convenient. We all have things we need to do, just don't let it swallow you.
By the way thanks for the comments on my blog. I wonder if what I say has any effect. It's just nice to know that someone's out there. And sorry if this comment is to long, I tend to get wordy sometimes.
I wouldn't know if wishing your death is something that "normal" people do. What I do know is that thoughts like that are sometimes the only thing to get me through the day.
My thoughts of death do not come because life is too hard and I am to depressed to keep going, but rather as a source of calming me. I find that when I think of the fact that I can just end it. That little responsibility can be over with one action. When I think like that it leads me to the understanding that life really just isn't that serious.
I feel that I am able to beat my depression for the most part by not letting life get to me. I found a way to be high without the drugs. I have my times were I have to just sit and let it out, maybe in writing or maybe with suicidal thoughts, but regardless of how I do it I feel like it works.
I stumbled across your blog because of your response to "something more than ordinary's" blog he is a dear friend of mine and we suffer from what I consider to be two totally different types of depression.
I thought it would be good to let you know there are people out there who do think of suicide, who most people consider to be normal. Lets face it no one is normal. Some people are just better at hiding there secrets.
I lost a close friend more then 5 years ago - one day he decided to jump from the 11th floor... I never understood why he did that, and I doubt that anyone would ever understand it. That day really changed me and thought me a lot. Once you have seen what is left behind after such a selfish act like suicide that thought of taking your life never crosses your mind.
I don't know anything about depression there was a time when I thought I was depressed so I wrote about it in my blog. Halfway through that post I realized that I wasn't depressed, I just didn't like myself, so I became angry and frustrated. And now I am on a journey to change the things I didn't like. Setting up goals, always doing something has helped me.
I am just like you - last year student in the university, full time job and stuff. And I have found out that writing things that are on my mind calms me down and makes me realize things faster and sometime find sоlution to my problem. Maybe it will work for you too?
Being depressed is something that I experience frequently, thought I have brief periods of good, happy, I can do anything times as well. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar II and I am on a rampage to discover some ways to deal with my disorder naturally. There is a supplement called SAM-e that you can take if you are depressed. It is known to be a mood lifter. I took it for a little bit, and then was warned that bipolar people shouldn't take it as it can induce mania. Anyhow, you might look into it to help you lift your mood and get you through your final year a little more balanced. Have you had a difficult childhood, or some traumatic experience that you think causes your depression? Or do you think it is more of a brain chemistry thing?
Being depressed sucks, I feel for you. I hope you can find a way out. Please visit my blog and see if there is anything there to comfort you.
http://solaceinwonderland.blogspot.com
Best-
Chelsea
Thanks for the comments everyone, I really do appreciate it so much that people read my blog and relate to what I'm saying.
From my eyes to yours, I felt/feel exactly the same in terms of thoughts of death being calming. I actually used to make up deadlines in my head, like "if things aren't better by the time I'm thirty I'll kill myself then."
It's like a comfort, even though I know realistically I would never do it. Like Greyer said, it's an incredibly selfish act and I could never hurt my family like that.
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