I could very happily spend the rest of the night in bed. This is bearing in mind that 1) It's only 8:30pm, 2) all I've eaten today is a bowl of porridge and two slices of toast and 3) if I don't do some washing I'm going to have nothing to wear tomorrow. But I have literally no motivation right now.
Life has been a bit of a struggle the last couple of weeks. I wouldn't say I've been really depressed for a long time, but all of a sudden I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks and I'm not sure what's triggered it.
I broke up with my boyfriend just over a month ago, after 8 months. This was someone who I'd trusted enough to tell about my self harm, who told me I was the love of his life and wanted to marry me some day. I'm still devastated it's over, but I was doing OK at first. It's only recently that everything has felt like it's too much. I can't even concentrate on what I'm writing I feel so dizzy from hunger, but I don't have the motivation to make some dinner. Plus my housemate's friends are downstairs and I really can't deal with people right now.
I'm trying to book an appointment with the university counsellor. I've never sought help before and I'm absolutely terrified. So far they don't seem to be that helpful - I tried emailing for an appointment (which it says on the website is possible), and they told me to come in person or call them. So I went to the office and it turns out it's the office for all of student support, including learning difficulties, financial problems etc. I couldn't bear to admit in front of all these "normal" people that I was there for counselling, so I decided to give them a call. I called them about 10 minutes before the office closes, but I still didn't get anyone answering the phone. My intention was to try again today, but after my terrible driving lesson I just haven't had the motivation for anything. I will give them a call on Monday though, I have to. I can't carry on like this.
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2 comments:
hey, me again :) I wish I had found your blog earlier.
I was in the same situation as you. I didn't want to do anything, just standing home in my bed all day, doing nothing. So one day I took out the white board (you know, like those in school, just a smaller one) and wrote down things to do. Very simple things like, take a shower, clean my room, read a chapter in a book, go out for a coffee, download a movie (shhh, no one has to know :P ). And every time I did those things I checked them out. It may sound stupid but it made feel good. Now, the first thing to do after I wake up (or before going to bed) is to write things I want to do.
It may sound stupid, but for me the best way to deal with the lack of motivation is to boost my self esteem by completing a goal I have set up, even if it something simple and stupid like "make dinner - don't eat out!"
Yeah I know what you mean, you just have to take it one little thing at a time. I've been managing to eat properly again this week but I've just been taking it one meal and one day at a time.
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