Wednesday, 19 August 2009

facing the fear

Unsurprisingly, considering my terrible luck with the opposite sex this year, things are over with The Pianist. Apparently he's too busy in his life for a relationship at the moment. It hurt at the time, but I'm feeling OK now. I think it's time to face my fear of being alone for once. As soon as I break up with someone I feel like I have to find someone else in order to move on, and to avoid my crippling fear that I'll sink back into depression because I have nothing to focus my life on. In order to keep myself going I always have to have a particular purpose in life - I think that's why I enjoy university, because I feel like I'm working towards a goal. Being in a relationship gives me that feeling as well, especially at the beginning when the relationship is first progressing. I guess it makes sense that my relationships always falter when things begin to settle down, because that's when it gets into a routine and I don't feel like I'm moving forward any more, I lose my sense of progression and purpose.

So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.

Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.