one year on

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last blogged here.

Welsh is currently lying in bed next to me, snoring amusingly loudly, so I guess now's as good a time as any to revisit this blog.

I think the main reason I haven't blogged here in so long is because I consider this to be my depression blog, and for the last year or so I haven't been depressed. That's an amazing (and a bit scary) thing to admit when I look back on how far I've come.

As the above indicates, Welsh and I are still together after a year and a half (my longest relationship to date). I hate gushing and cheesiness, but things are really amazing. To quote a cliche, sometimes someone comes along and makes you realise why things never worked out with anyone else. For starters, he's the kindest and most loyal person I've ever met. He understands me better than anyone else ever has, he knows all my faults and loves me for exactly who I am. In a lot of ways we're incredibly similar, which is both a good and a bad thing. He has depression issues too, which means that when one of us is feeling low the other understands completely and knows exactly what to do to support them. When both of us are feeling low it can be difficult to deal with, and we've had some pretty horrendous arguments just because neither of us has been able to be strong enough to do what needed to be done to help the other person. But ultimately we both know how much we love each other, and that's the most important thing. I never ever ever feel insecure with him, and that's something I've never experienced before.

I'm also nearing the end of my occupational therapy degree, only one more placement to go. I'm still lacking in confidence sometimes, but that's true of all areas of my life. I'm starting to have more self belief than I did, especially since I've recieved really good comments from my supervisors on placement. Reading over old entries, I came across one where I talked about my confidence crisis over the fact that I hadn't made any real friends on the course, and that's still an issue for me. After 2 years I've come out of it with plenty of acquaintances and not one real close friend. I know that it's not necessarily me that's the problem, I know there are plenty of other factors like the fact that I live on the other side of London to everyone I've come close to making real friends with. But it's still a painful realisation. I feel like I've completely forgotten how to make friends, and although my social anxiety isn't anywhere near the levels it used to be, I feel like I've regressed in terms of shyness.

But the most important thing is that my depression and anxiety are nowhere near what they were. Sometimes I have days where I'm pretty low and hopeless, sometimes I have days where thoughts about how boring and friendless I am and how I'll never be a good OT feel overwhelming. But they're just days, as opposed to weeks and months and years like they used to be. And that gives me hope that someday I'll be free of it completely.

i'm fine

"How are you?"

What I think:

"I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm scared that you don't really know me at all, because if you did you would realise what a worthless piece of shit I am. I'm scared waiting for the day to come that you realise this. I know I'm no fun to be around at the moment and eventually you're just going to get bored of it. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, and I don't think that's enough. Eventually you'll realise that you could do so much better. And the main reason I'm scared of losing you is because having you in my life is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Losing you would be like having the floor pulled out from under me, I know I wouldn't be able to keep it together any more. You're the only thing keeping me from cutting because I wouldn't know what to say if you saw the scars. And you deserve so much better than this. You deserve better than an ugly, stupid, annoying waste of space. If I wasn't so selfish I would let you go find someone who is actually good enough for you."

What I say:

"I'm fine."

blessings

Last week, a friend who I haven't seen for ages messaged me and asked if I fancied going out for a drink. Well I say a friend, when I think about it I think we've only actually met a handful of times. But it was one of those things where the first time we met we just clicked instantly. I hadn't seen him in ages and in my current insecure state, I was convinced that I'd have nothing to say to him. That it would be awkward, that he would think I was boring. I was nervous but I forced myself to go, thinking the worst case scenario was that I could just leave after one drink.

As it turns out, we had so much fun. The conversation just flowed, and it made me realise - I'm not a complete freak. Being on this university course seems to have destroyed my confidence; since September I haven't made any real friends, and it's made me feel like the same awkward weird girl I was at school. I seem to have forgotten how to make friends, and I resigned myself to the "fact" that I'm just not a fun person to be around. I guess this one night out renewed my confidence and made me realise I am a fun, interesting person.

It also made me realise that part of the reason I have so few friends is that I never put myself out there. I never ask people if they want to meet up, I always wait for them to ask me. I'm so afraid of rejection that I never take the chance. So in the spirit of self improvement, I emailed my tutor group at university last Thursday and asked if they fancied meeting up for a catch up drink, since it's been about six weeks since we've been at uni.

Today is Sunday, and not one person has replied. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel a sort of calm acceptance - I pushed my boundaries and took a risk and for that I'm proud of myself. I can accept now that these people are not my friends and never will be, but most importantly, that's alright. I have people who love me - it may not be a lot, but I feel blessed to have even one person who truly cares about me. Things with Welsh are really wonderful, every day I feel lucky to have him. I realise now that I am worthy of being loved, I am interesting and fun and a good friend. And if certain people don't like me - screw 'em.

content

I am happy at the moment. And I haven't really, truly, felt that in a long while, so it's nice to say it "out loud" (so to speak).

It's not overwhelming, amazing happiness, nothing fantastic has happened to make me feel on top of the world, but I feel content. I just feel good - I don't feel stressed or anxious or miserable or drained or sad or lonely. And it's sad really how long it's been since I didn't feel any of those things.

One thing that isn't contributing to my happiness is my uni course. It's incredibly hard work, incredibly draining, and half the time I just don't feel like I can do it. I want to be able to do it, but my crappy self belief tells me I'll never be a good OT. But I think for now, just knowing that I want to do it is enough. As long as I know the end result is what I want, I just have to hope it all falls into place in the end, and not get bogged down by it in the meantime. The stress of it had started to take over my life, and now I'm realising that actually it's not my whole world. At the end of the day I need to look at it like a job - I go to work, I come home, and the rest of the time I spend with my friends, or doing the things I enjoy. It isn't my whole world.

However, one thing that is contributing to my happiness, is the new boy I'm seeing. It's been about 7 months since my last relationship which I think has been a decent amount of time to have my own space and get my head together (more together than it was before anyway!) I wasn't even really looking for anything - End Of 2009 Guy really fucked me over emotionally, and it still stings a bit even now. But something about this one seems different (god what a cliche, people always say that before it goes wrong don't they?) I just don't feel insecure at all. I'm not scared that he'll lose interest, he actually wants to spend time with me, he doesn't act like it's a chore to speak to me. We took things slowly and didn't rush into bed immediately. Basically, it's the opposite of all my previous relationships. And it's funny, at first something didn't feel right with him, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. He seemed so different to my usual type. And that's because he is - but I didn't even realise at first that it's in a good way. He makes me feel special, that I'm worth more to him than just a shag. It's been so long since I actually experienced some plain, good old-fashioned romance.

In fact, it's the exact opposite to EO2009 Guy. I had literally the best sex of my life with him - it was beyond fantastic. Which was great, except he didn't give a shit about me as a person. Whereas the new boy (I think I'll call him Welsh, since he is!) really cares me about me, but the sex isn't so good. At first that bothered me - I like sex, and I have a high sex drive. But when I thought about it I realised that casual sex is only fulfilling for so long. Having someone genuinely care about me is so much more rare and precious.

happy new year

Things are...I don't know. Not good, not bad. Lonely and difficult and anxiety-ridden, but I'm functioning. My Christmas was good, New Years was good.

When I look back at 2009, all I see is a load of relationship disasters. I met a guy at the end of the year who was so ridiculously perfect for me. Like, he was basically the male version of me, we had SO much in common. So we had sex, and then he switched. Changed pretty much overnight. Turns out he suffers from depression too, and is currently in the midst of a bad spell. I could deal with that except he's completely pushed me away; told me he can't deal with a relationship at the moment and seems to have no interest in me anymore (despite all the usual "lets be friends" bullshit).

I am so sick of men. I hate saying that, because I want to believe that there is someone out there who will love me for me and not just because they want to get in my knickers, but where they are hiding I do not know. I'm only 22, and already I'm bitter. If anyone has any kind of evidence that real love exists (especially for fucked up people like me) then I'd love to hear it, cos I'm struggling to believe it does anymore.

""I don't let anyone touch me," I finally said.
"Why not?"
Why not? Because I was tired of men. Hanging in doorways, standing too close, their smell of beer or fifteen-year-old whiskey. Men who didn't come to the emergency room with you, men who left on Christmas Eve. Men who slammed the security gates, who made you love them then changed their minds. Forests of boys, their ragged shrubs full of eyes following you, grabbing your breasts, waving their money, eyes already knocking you down, taking what they felt was theirs. It was a play and I knew how it ended, I didn't want to audition for any of the roles. It was no game, no casual thrill. It was three-bullet Russian roulette. "

- Janet Fitch (White Oleander)

facing the fear

Unsurprisingly, considering my terrible luck with the opposite sex this year, things are over with The Pianist. Apparently he's too busy in his life for a relationship at the moment. It hurt at the time, but I'm feeling OK now. I think it's time to face my fear of being alone for once. As soon as I break up with someone I feel like I have to find someone else in order to move on, and to avoid my crippling fear that I'll sink back into depression because I have nothing to focus my life on. In order to keep myself going I always have to have a particular purpose in life - I think that's why I enjoy university, because I feel like I'm working towards a goal. Being in a relationship gives me that feeling as well, especially at the beginning when the relationship is first progressing. I guess it makes sense that my relationships always falter when things begin to settle down, because that's when it gets into a routine and I don't feel like I'm moving forward any more, I lose my sense of progression and purpose.

So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.

Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.

falling

Today has been hard. Seeing the ex seems to have triggered something in me - my old anxiety is back, I really don't want tomorrow to come. I'm nervous about my driving lesson, even though I know I'm a good driver and I just need practise. I'm nervous about meeting an online friend for the first time tomorrow, even though we get on really well and I know we'll have a laugh.

I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.

getting weary

Blonde came out of hospital, so we met up this evening and she seems to be doing OK. She was determined to eat normally and not purge, and she did well.

I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.

return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

let go

I ended up contacting Ex No. 3 last night on Facebook, in a moment of weakness/madness/sadness/loneliness/nostalgia. As much of a nice guy InternetGuy is, and as much as No. 3 hurt me, I'm not over him. I really loved him, and that's not something I seem to be able to forget easily.

It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.

But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.

I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.

space

I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

understanding

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.

struggling

I've hit a real low point this evening. The lowest I've been in a while. So I figure I should probably try and make sense of it.

I stopped seeing my counsellor, I just didn't turn up to my last appointment. I know I probably should have perservered, but I just found it excruciating talking about the same irrelevant things. I wasn't getting anything from it, and it was just a waste of my time. I'm gonna carry on doing my online CBT though, just because I suppose I may as well.

Things with the Internet guy are weird. It's a whole long pathetic sounding mess, but in short: we met, I wasn't attracted to him, I said we should just be friends, I developed feelings for him, we had sex, I said I didn't want want a relationship, he said he didn't want one either. I saw him this weekend and he kept asking if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, if we were officially together. He admitted he wants a relationship. I like this guy, but I'm not sure if I trust myself at the moment. I keep jumping headfirst into relationships when I have reservations, and I feel like I'm making the same mistakes over and over. I need to learn to be happy with me, not hiding my fears and depression and self-hatred by wrapping myself up in another person. It may be a cliche, but I need time to figure out who I am without someone else defining my self image.

The thing is, I like the way he sees me. He seems to see me as being someone special and beautiful, and I want to be that person. I want to believe that I'm that person. But lets face it, eventually he's going to realise I'm nothing special because that's what always happens, and I'll be straight back to feeling worthless again. Until I run straight into the arms of someone else.

My mother has always drilled it into me that you can't be happy without being in a relationship. I always "knew" that it was ridiculous, that I didn't want to be like that. But I guess I'm more like her than I realised, or want to be.

breaking the silence

Apologies for the disappearance - I just haven't felt like writing much lately and my dissertation has become my life. I struggle to focus on anything else, and I suppose it's a good thing that I'm getting it done, but I think I'm neglecting people. I find it all too easy to isolate myself, even when I'm not drowning in coursework.

I had an interview today to join a program which can means I can work abroad this summer. I would so love to go, I think it would be exactly what I need. To get away, to excape, to explore, to have an adventure. The only problem is that my graduation ceremony is in the middle of July, if I get onto my postgrad course that will start sometime at the beginning of September, and the minimum I can work abroad for on this program is two months. I'm not really sure if the timing is going to work so I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up.

I've been chatting to this guy online, and he's coming to visit this weekend. I don't really want to talk about it because there are so many aspects of the situation where I'm not sure how I feel about it. Maybe I'll talk about it after the weekend and I know how it went. I'm just feeling slightly guarded at the moment and I have no idea why, since this is supposed to be my place where I can let everything out.

I'm still continuing with counselling, and although I feel like I'm getting more out of it I find it slightly awkward. I don't know if this is how it always is or I just have a bad counsellor, but he doesn't seem to want me to talk about deep stuff. He always says, "I don't want to make you talk about something too personal" whenever he asks about something remotely personal, but surely that's the whole point of therapy? And whenever I mention anything remotely heavy or dark he just seems to look uncomfortable, one time he actually just changed the subject completely. What have other people's experiences of therapy been like, is this normal?

valentine

The boy and I just broke up. He'd been a twat to me all weekend, and then today he shouted at me that I'm a "stupid fuck with no common sense" because I asked him how he had a train ticket (he said he had one but I was confused because I knew he didn't). I literally just walked straight out the station and went home without saying a word, and he texted me apologising and asking if we can still be friends. I'm not that desperate for friends, thanks.

You know the saddest thing? I put up with it all weekend and forgave him at first because deep down I don't feel like I deserve any better than that. I don't really believe I'll get anything better than that. And the part of me that is so filled with self hatred enjoys seeing me get treated like that.

I suppose I should be happy that whatever self respect I have won out in the end.

resolved

Things came to a head with the boy last night. Turns out last weekend was still playing on his mind, and all my insecurities about wasting my time on someone who wasn't really that bothered about me ending up seeping out. To cut a lot story short, things have been resolved and I'm a lot more content.

I have a presentation at uni tomorrow which would have been my worst nightmare in the past, but actually I'm OK with it. Sometimes it's nice to look back on how far I've come in terms of my social anxiety, and be proud of my progress.

please ignore the swearing below

I am so sick of lying to people. When you're physically ill, everyone understands why you can't do things, why you struggle. But because I can't tell most people about my depression I end up having to constantly lie and make excuses, and it's so fucking exhausting.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today for lunch, but I woke up to a phone call at 1:30pm asking if we were still on. I'd woken up intermittently throughout the morning and had ultimately decided all I wanted to do was sleep. All I ever want to do is sleep. But now I'm awake I'm back to the usual guilt - I'm gutted I've wasted half the day, and let down a friend, it would have been nice to see him, and now I won't sleep tonight, etc etc. I go through this cycle of actions and thoughts almost everyday and I still always let the depression win. I'm so fucking angry at myself for constantly doing this.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counselling either. I like my counsellor, but it's not helping. And I fucking hate this CBT computer program I have to do. To be fair it would probably be useful for some people, but I know all about it already from doing a Psychology degree. I know about automatic negative thoughts, I fucking hate having to constantly be rating my mood and doing shitty activity diaries. I came into this with a really open mind and I'm almost halfway through now and I don't feel it's helping me at all.

I feel like I've ended up in the kind of one way relationship I used to let myself get involved in when I was younger with the boy. He was struggling at work all week, feeling like he was doing badly and wanting to quit, and I spent all week comforting him, making him realise he's good at his job and he shouldn't give up. But he keeps trying to play these stupid games where he jokes around and acts like he's not really that interested in me, and it's getting really tiring. I know the obvious thing to think is "well maybe he's not that interested in me", but I know he is. I don't question that he is. But it's like he has to play these stupid games to maintain some kind of power and illusion of coolness, and it's just boring now.

Last night he asked what I like about him, so I told him. So then I asked him the same thing, and he kept avoiding the question. So I asked again, and his response was "I'm off to bed now, bye."

Via text:
"You know I am gonna get bored of your games sooner or later."
"?"
About half an hour later...
"Ignore me, I'm just in a bad mood. Goodnight."
"Grumpy :P"

Great, thanks for that, when I've been there for you all week when you've been in a bad mood.

I'm am so fucking sick of everything. Argh.

/rant

digusted

I haven't got really drunk in a long time, but Saturday night was bad. Really bad.

I went to a boy from school's house with another school friend and the boy. Playing Centurion with home-made mojitos resulted in me sobbing on the kitchen floor, then later on having a huge blowout with the boy, telling him I didn't need him and screaming at him to stay away from me, apparently spitting in his face (although I don't remember this, and never thought I would be capable of it) and going into the bathroom to find something to cut with (fortunately I didn't find anything). I apologised in the morning, and amazingly he's forgiven me.

Why is it that whenever I end up with something remotely good in my life I have to press the self destruct button? Why do I do it? In relationships I push and push them, I'm constantly testing them to see how much they'll put up with. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fuck up another good thing. I can't help but be filled with self-hatred, I really don't deserve him.

sleep

After having a serious conversation about our past relationships, I told the boy about my depression. Turns out his ex was on antidepressants too. I suppose it's true what they say that mental health problems are more common than you think!

I've done absolutely nothing the last couple of days, I have no energy. It's because my sleeping patterns are completely fucked up - I fell asleep at 4am last night and woke up at 2pm today. I really wanted to go to the Holocaust Memorial Day event in town today as well, I'm so annoyed at myself. I hate being like this. I think if/when I can force myself to get up I'm gonna go into town and get some sleeping pills, I can't carry on like this anymore.

counselling

I didn't end up telling The New Boy about my depression. I am a coward. I was kind of hoping he would see my Citalopram and ask about them - he did see them, but he assumed they were contraceptive pills and I kind of didn't correct him. Oops.

I know I should be honest, I know it's not healthy for our relationship for me to be hiding myself from him, but at the same time I like that he doesn't know about that side of me. I like that around him I'm not the "depressed girl", the fact that he doesn't know encourages me to keep my depressiveness (is that a word?) under wraps. If he knew it would be all too easy to start getting depressed around him, and I don't want to be that person. I've been genuinely happy the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose that.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. It went quite well, but it's unfortunate in a way that I'm not currently in a depressed phase at the moment. I don't think I'm going to get as much out of it as I could do because I am happy at the moment, which is actually a bit annoying! But I've probably jinxed it now, I'm sure I'll slip back into depression next week, ha. My counsellor is quite hot as well, how Freudian is that! But considering a) he's married (I checked out the ring finger) and b) he heard me go on about my relationship issues yesterday, I don't think the feelings will be mutual somehow!

I also have loads of homework to do for my counsellor as well. As if I didn't have enough work to do at the moment! I'm following this online CBT program called Beating the Blues - it's so incredibly cheesy (although my counsellor warned me it would be), at one point it had to type in things that had upset me in the week, and a computerised voice said "that must have been very difficult for you", haha. Oh well, I shall perservere.