return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

xmas

Merry Christmas everyone, I really hope you all had a good day.

My day went suprisingly well, I actually had quite a good laugh with the family, and dinner was lovely. I also found out that No.3 had to work on Christmas Day which cheered me up in an extremely pathetic way.

I went driving with my dad today which was horrendous. His car was completely different to what I was used to, and I got off to a bad start by accidentally putting myself in third gear instead of first when I stopped at a junction, and wondered why the car kept stalling when I tried to drive off (took me about five tries before my dad realised what the problem was). I ended up having to pull over to burst into tears, and then spent the rest of the drive trying to fight back more tears. My dad said I did well, but I think he was just patronising me, and of course I have to beat myself up over it either way.

driving

I have a driving lesson in just over an hour, and as usual I feel physically sick. The anxiety begins the night before each lesson, and doesn't end til the lesson does. When you have two driving lessons a week, you're spending a lot of time in a constant state of anxiety. It's exhausting.

I'm tempted to just quit, it's reaching the point where it's just too damn hard to carry on. But I don't want to quit. I want to overcome this, I want to be able to drive. If I give in now, I'll never be able to do it.

I had a few lessons when I was 17, and ended up giving up because the anxiety was too hard to take. At the time, I think it was more the fear of being alone with another person for an hour, and the fear of him judging me if I couldn't do it. But now I feel (slightly) more confident with strangers, and I like my instructor, so what's the problem? Is it a fear of failure? I don't know. But I have to get through this, no matter how much of a struggle it is.