up and down

So much for "blogging even when you're doing well" - I haven't been writing anything, good or bad. I can't believe how long it's been, time really does fly sometimes.

I've been very up and down since the beginning of September when I last wrote. My course has generally been going well, although I did have several points where I really struggled with myself wondering whether this was really what I wanted to be doing. Although I say that, really I was struggling with whether I COULD do it, whether I was good enough. Of course I never think I'm good enough, at anything. Towards the end of my first term of lectures things were really starting to slip - I wasn't turning up to a lot of my lectures, and on my course if attendance drops below a certain level you can be kicked off. So that really wasn't clever. I'm now a week and a half into my first work placement, and it's only now that things have finally clicked into place. It sounds silly, but I'm really in love with my job and with occupational therapy. For the first time in my life I really have the feeling of "yes, this is what I'm meant to do." I've finally found something where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing something important. And I'm ALMOST beginning to feel like I might even be good at it - although there's big emphasis on the "almost" since of course I never really feel like I'm that good at anything.

I just can't seem to deal with failure and criticism at all. I know I'm better than I was, but if I do something wrong I still beat myself up over it. I can't stand being new to something and not being perfect straight away. My supervisor told me I'm doing a good job, but I still can't quite believe it. But I'm loving what I'm doing so much at the moment that the fear and anxiety isn't completely overwhelming.

Speaking of fear, I read a really good tip the other day - next time you feel anxiety or fear building up in you, just focus on the physical site of it (for me it's in my chest). It's amazing, just focusing on the feeling makes it disappear completely - so simple and there seems to be no logic to it, but it works!

Anyway, after my last blog about not wanting to be in a relationship for a while and wanting to learn to be on my own, I've maintained that. I've been single for about 3 months now and I really have no desire to be in a relationship any time soon. I guess partly it's due to cynicism - I've realised I don't actually know that many couples who are genuinely good together and are genuinely happy. Real love seems so rare. I do believe it exists, but I don't believe it really happens to girls like me. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone who can put up with all my craziness and love me for who I am. So I'm just not interested in all that right now - all relationships seem to do is make me depressed and insecure, I'd much rather be on my own and preserve my mental stability!

Although I have no desire for a romantic partner at the moment, I am incredibly lonely sometimes. I've realised I have no real, close friends anymore. I have people I socialise with, but no one I can really talk to about anything. My best friend is in ED treatment in South Africa and is dealing with enough of her own shit at the moment. As for my other best friend...well, something has changed. I'm not sure what, I just think maybe she's not the person she used to be. She's become really judgemental and harsh, and I just don't feel comfortable opening up to her anymore. So because of that, sometimes the loneliness gets really overwhelming. I've realised I'm really withdrawing from people emotionally - I just don't open up to anyone anymore. I don't depend on anyone emotionally. And for now that's "safe" for me, it means I don't get hurt and sink back into the horrible depression I was in before. But I think it's taking its toll in the long run.

Does anyone have any experience/understanding of dysthymia? I came across the term the other day, and I really think that's what I have. I've had this constant underlying depression for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 11 or 12. Possibly when I was even younger, but I can't remember back that far. Most of the time (like now) it's bearable and I can function just about, but every now and then it'll flare up into major depression. No matter what, it never really goes away. I think suddenly doing a job I love and getting that burst of happiness from it has made me realise that even when things are "OK" I never really know what it's like to be happy.

return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?