suicide

Tonight I had thoughts of suicide. And you know the first thing that popped into my head, my number one reason for not killing myself? I hadn't shaved my legs. I don't want to leave a hairy-legged corpse.

You have to laugh really...

things keep getting better

So I finally got out of bed at 6:30pm. Had a shower, cut myself and then almost fainted. I suppose it was a bit silly to have a hot shower when I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours.

About the cutting - I lasted about a month before giving in, I suppose that's not bad. It wasn't even worth it. For possibly the first time ever I didn't even feel anything emotionally or physically, I'm that numb.

I just feel so alone at the moment. I can't talk to my parents about it, the ex couldn't care less about me, and my two friends who I usually can talk to about this stuff don't seem to care at all.

I weighed myself earlier for the first time in a couple of weeks or so, and I've now lost over a stone (fifteen pounds) since the summer. I was actually shocked, I didn't think I'd been eating that badly recently (this weekend not included). You'd think that would make me want to eat something, but I still don't care enough, and I'm not even that hungry.

I actually haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.*

*For the record, I'm not going to act on it.

death

A friend of a friend was rushed to hospital with a brain haemorrage a few days ago, and died today. I barely knew her but even I'm in shock, she was only my age (early twenties) and it came on so suddenly. It's so scary that someone you care about can just disappear out of your life in the blink of an eye. Losing the people I love has always been my biggest fear, I would completely fall apart if anything happened to my best friend or my family.

I had a really horrendous, terrible thought when I found out she was in a coma, which I'm only daring to reveal here because it's anonymous: I wished I was her. I wished I could just slip away without hurting my parents with the knowledge that I wanted it to happen. Even more pathetic was the thought that maybe it would make my ex regret giving up on me and cutting me out of his life so harshly. What the hell is wrong with me? Surely no normal person thinks like that.

I didn't go to the doctor today, and realistically I don't know if I will all week. I'm so swamped in university coursework at the moment, and it's completely out of my way to go to the health centre when I'm busy working. By the time I finish it's dark and cold and I just want to go home. It's a pretty weak excuse, but I seem to have lost my willpower. I'm going through such a stressful time being in my final year of university, do I really have the time and strength to dedicate myself to recovery? I'm not sure whether being too depressed to beat my depression is a complete contradiction in terms or not.