one year on

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last blogged here.

Welsh is currently lying in bed next to me, snoring amusingly loudly, so I guess now's as good a time as any to revisit this blog.

I think the main reason I haven't blogged here in so long is because I consider this to be my depression blog, and for the last year or so I haven't been depressed. That's an amazing (and a bit scary) thing to admit when I look back on how far I've come.

As the above indicates, Welsh and I are still together after a year and a half (my longest relationship to date). I hate gushing and cheesiness, but things are really amazing. To quote a cliche, sometimes someone comes along and makes you realise why things never worked out with anyone else. For starters, he's the kindest and most loyal person I've ever met. He understands me better than anyone else ever has, he knows all my faults and loves me for exactly who I am. In a lot of ways we're incredibly similar, which is both a good and a bad thing. He has depression issues too, which means that when one of us is feeling low the other understands completely and knows exactly what to do to support them. When both of us are feeling low it can be difficult to deal with, and we've had some pretty horrendous arguments just because neither of us has been able to be strong enough to do what needed to be done to help the other person. But ultimately we both know how much we love each other, and that's the most important thing. I never ever ever feel insecure with him, and that's something I've never experienced before.

I'm also nearing the end of my occupational therapy degree, only one more placement to go. I'm still lacking in confidence sometimes, but that's true of all areas of my life. I'm starting to have more self belief than I did, especially since I've recieved really good comments from my supervisors on placement. Reading over old entries, I came across one where I talked about my confidence crisis over the fact that I hadn't made any real friends on the course, and that's still an issue for me. After 2 years I've come out of it with plenty of acquaintances and not one real close friend. I know that it's not necessarily me that's the problem, I know there are plenty of other factors like the fact that I live on the other side of London to everyone I've come close to making real friends with. But it's still a painful realisation. I feel like I've completely forgotten how to make friends, and although my social anxiety isn't anywhere near the levels it used to be, I feel like I've regressed in terms of shyness.

But the most important thing is that my depression and anxiety are nowhere near what they were. Sometimes I have days where I'm pretty low and hopeless, sometimes I have days where thoughts about how boring and friendless I am and how I'll never be a good OT feel overwhelming. But they're just days, as opposed to weeks and months and years like they used to be. And that gives me hope that someday I'll be free of it completely.

blessings

Last week, a friend who I haven't seen for ages messaged me and asked if I fancied going out for a drink. Well I say a friend, when I think about it I think we've only actually met a handful of times. But it was one of those things where the first time we met we just clicked instantly. I hadn't seen him in ages and in my current insecure state, I was convinced that I'd have nothing to say to him. That it would be awkward, that he would think I was boring. I was nervous but I forced myself to go, thinking the worst case scenario was that I could just leave after one drink.

As it turns out, we had so much fun. The conversation just flowed, and it made me realise - I'm not a complete freak. Being on this university course seems to have destroyed my confidence; since September I haven't made any real friends, and it's made me feel like the same awkward weird girl I was at school. I seem to have forgotten how to make friends, and I resigned myself to the "fact" that I'm just not a fun person to be around. I guess this one night out renewed my confidence and made me realise I am a fun, interesting person.

It also made me realise that part of the reason I have so few friends is that I never put myself out there. I never ask people if they want to meet up, I always wait for them to ask me. I'm so afraid of rejection that I never take the chance. So in the spirit of self improvement, I emailed my tutor group at university last Thursday and asked if they fancied meeting up for a catch up drink, since it's been about six weeks since we've been at uni.

Today is Sunday, and not one person has replied. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel a sort of calm acceptance - I pushed my boundaries and took a risk and for that I'm proud of myself. I can accept now that these people are not my friends and never will be, but most importantly, that's alright. I have people who love me - it may not be a lot, but I feel blessed to have even one person who truly cares about me. Things with Welsh are really wonderful, every day I feel lucky to have him. I realise now that I am worthy of being loved, I am interesting and fun and a good friend. And if certain people don't like me - screw 'em.

up and down

So much for "blogging even when you're doing well" - I haven't been writing anything, good or bad. I can't believe how long it's been, time really does fly sometimes.

I've been very up and down since the beginning of September when I last wrote. My course has generally been going well, although I did have several points where I really struggled with myself wondering whether this was really what I wanted to be doing. Although I say that, really I was struggling with whether I COULD do it, whether I was good enough. Of course I never think I'm good enough, at anything. Towards the end of my first term of lectures things were really starting to slip - I wasn't turning up to a lot of my lectures, and on my course if attendance drops below a certain level you can be kicked off. So that really wasn't clever. I'm now a week and a half into my first work placement, and it's only now that things have finally clicked into place. It sounds silly, but I'm really in love with my job and with occupational therapy. For the first time in my life I really have the feeling of "yes, this is what I'm meant to do." I've finally found something where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing something important. And I'm ALMOST beginning to feel like I might even be good at it - although there's big emphasis on the "almost" since of course I never really feel like I'm that good at anything.

I just can't seem to deal with failure and criticism at all. I know I'm better than I was, but if I do something wrong I still beat myself up over it. I can't stand being new to something and not being perfect straight away. My supervisor told me I'm doing a good job, but I still can't quite believe it. But I'm loving what I'm doing so much at the moment that the fear and anxiety isn't completely overwhelming.

Speaking of fear, I read a really good tip the other day - next time you feel anxiety or fear building up in you, just focus on the physical site of it (for me it's in my chest). It's amazing, just focusing on the feeling makes it disappear completely - so simple and there seems to be no logic to it, but it works!

Anyway, after my last blog about not wanting to be in a relationship for a while and wanting to learn to be on my own, I've maintained that. I've been single for about 3 months now and I really have no desire to be in a relationship any time soon. I guess partly it's due to cynicism - I've realised I don't actually know that many couples who are genuinely good together and are genuinely happy. Real love seems so rare. I do believe it exists, but I don't believe it really happens to girls like me. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone who can put up with all my craziness and love me for who I am. So I'm just not interested in all that right now - all relationships seem to do is make me depressed and insecure, I'd much rather be on my own and preserve my mental stability!

Although I have no desire for a romantic partner at the moment, I am incredibly lonely sometimes. I've realised I have no real, close friends anymore. I have people I socialise with, but no one I can really talk to about anything. My best friend is in ED treatment in South Africa and is dealing with enough of her own shit at the moment. As for my other best friend...well, something has changed. I'm not sure what, I just think maybe she's not the person she used to be. She's become really judgemental and harsh, and I just don't feel comfortable opening up to her anymore. So because of that, sometimes the loneliness gets really overwhelming. I've realised I'm really withdrawing from people emotionally - I just don't open up to anyone anymore. I don't depend on anyone emotionally. And for now that's "safe" for me, it means I don't get hurt and sink back into the horrible depression I was in before. But I think it's taking its toll in the long run.

Does anyone have any experience/understanding of dysthymia? I came across the term the other day, and I really think that's what I have. I've had this constant underlying depression for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 11 or 12. Possibly when I was even younger, but I can't remember back that far. Most of the time (like now) it's bearable and I can function just about, but every now and then it'll flare up into major depression. No matter what, it never really goes away. I think suddenly doing a job I love and getting that burst of happiness from it has made me realise that even when things are "OK" I never really know what it's like to be happy.

return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

space

I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

understanding

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.