xmas

Merry Christmas everyone, I really hope you all had a good day.

My day went suprisingly well, I actually had quite a good laugh with the family, and dinner was lovely. I also found out that No.3 had to work on Christmas Day which cheered me up in an extremely pathetic way.

I went driving with my dad today which was horrendous. His car was completely different to what I was used to, and I got off to a bad start by accidentally putting myself in third gear instead of first when I stopped at a junction, and wondered why the car kept stalling when I tried to drive off (took me about five tries before my dad realised what the problem was). I ended up having to pull over to burst into tears, and then spent the rest of the drive trying to fight back more tears. My dad said I did well, but I think he was just patronising me, and of course I have to beat myself up over it either way.

onwards and upwards

I didn't end up going to the meeting, which I'm really annoyed at myself about because I really think it would have been a good experience for me. I've sunk so low into my depression the last few days that just getting out of bed and getting dressed to go out has seemed the world's most daunting task. Eventually my dad came round this morning and forced me to get up and go out with him, which I appreciate now even though I didn't earlier when I was lying in bed with a pillow over my head wanting to block out the whole world.

I finally got a message back from The Ex (Ex No.3 - I should probably come up with better names for them) after I sent him a "Merry Christmas" type message last week. He mentioned something about feeling run down, and I fought the urge to reply and ask what was wrong. I have to realise that if he's going to decide to abandon me when I'm at my lowest then he doesn't deserve anything from me. It's a small step for mankind but a big step for me and my co-dependency issues!


Oh, and I think I was right - I was developing feelings for Ex No.2 again for the wrong reasons.

family

I'm feeling a bit better today. I was supposed to go to the pub for a friend's birthday last night and I was in two minds whether to go; on the one hand I could have done with having some fun, and on the other I was beyond exhausted and had a driving lesson in the morning. In the end I decided to be good and stay in - I was tucked up in bed by 10pm and it really helped. My mood still isn't great today, but I was able to concentrate on my driving lesson and I got 1500 words of my dissertation done, so I can call it a successful day overall. I don't know if it's the meds kicking in or what, but I didn't feel the usual level of anxiety before my lesson either.

I told my parents about the anti-depressants earlier. I was in two minds whether to do it, but I'm glad I did in the end, they were both really understanding. My relationship with my family has always been a bit of a strange one - my parents are absolutely fantastic and have done so much for me, but at the same time I've always felt like I had to be strong for them and my sister, even though I'm the youngest. My mum has struggled with depression since my parents split up, and I've always had to be the one to comfort her when she's burst into tears in the kitchen, or when she's complaining about being single. She has a very childish, black and white view of the world in a lot of ways; i.e. she doesn't believe it's possible to be happy if you're single, and I've seen her be incredibly clingy when dating. When you think that's she's supposed to be my obvious role model of how to act with men, no wonder I've got so many relationship issues! I love her and I've never felt resentful for having to be there for her, I've just never wanted to burden her with my issues. For a long time we just didn't get on at all, partly because of how she is and partly because I took all my frustration and unhappiness out on her, but since I left home to go to university we've become a lot closer. But for example, last week when we were talking on the phone she was telling me about her jealousy over her boyfriend spending time with his ex and I was the one listening and trying to advise her - surely the mother-daughter relationship should be the other way round?!

My dad is incredibly understanding but he's also very sensitive and a big worrier. When I was younger I used to talk to him about everything, but he just used to get so worried and constantly try and force me to talk about my problems when I didn't want to, to the point where I stopped telling him things. He does so much for me financially that I felt like that was enough, I didn't want to burden him with everything else.

My sister and I are really close, we're very similar people and we get on so well. I can remember so many times when I've sat with her while she's been crying, trying to comfort her and help her with her problems, but I can barely think of any examples of when she's done it for me. Not because she doesn't care or she wouldn't, but because I don't let her. I'm the one who looks out for her, not the other way around.

I've always felt like I'm the one who has to be strong and take care of everyone else. Maybe that's not the case, and it's a role I've created for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm starting to allow myself to depend on others for once.