one year on

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last blogged here.

Welsh is currently lying in bed next to me, snoring amusingly loudly, so I guess now's as good a time as any to revisit this blog.

I think the main reason I haven't blogged here in so long is because I consider this to be my depression blog, and for the last year or so I haven't been depressed. That's an amazing (and a bit scary) thing to admit when I look back on how far I've come.

As the above indicates, Welsh and I are still together after a year and a half (my longest relationship to date). I hate gushing and cheesiness, but things are really amazing. To quote a cliche, sometimes someone comes along and makes you realise why things never worked out with anyone else. For starters, he's the kindest and most loyal person I've ever met. He understands me better than anyone else ever has, he knows all my faults and loves me for exactly who I am. In a lot of ways we're incredibly similar, which is both a good and a bad thing. He has depression issues too, which means that when one of us is feeling low the other understands completely and knows exactly what to do to support them. When both of us are feeling low it can be difficult to deal with, and we've had some pretty horrendous arguments just because neither of us has been able to be strong enough to do what needed to be done to help the other person. But ultimately we both know how much we love each other, and that's the most important thing. I never ever ever feel insecure with him, and that's something I've never experienced before.

I'm also nearing the end of my occupational therapy degree, only one more placement to go. I'm still lacking in confidence sometimes, but that's true of all areas of my life. I'm starting to have more self belief than I did, especially since I've recieved really good comments from my supervisors on placement. Reading over old entries, I came across one where I talked about my confidence crisis over the fact that I hadn't made any real friends on the course, and that's still an issue for me. After 2 years I've come out of it with plenty of acquaintances and not one real close friend. I know that it's not necessarily me that's the problem, I know there are plenty of other factors like the fact that I live on the other side of London to everyone I've come close to making real friends with. But it's still a painful realisation. I feel like I've completely forgotten how to make friends, and although my social anxiety isn't anywhere near the levels it used to be, I feel like I've regressed in terms of shyness.

But the most important thing is that my depression and anxiety are nowhere near what they were. Sometimes I have days where I'm pretty low and hopeless, sometimes I have days where thoughts about how boring and friendless I am and how I'll never be a good OT feel overwhelming. But they're just days, as opposed to weeks and months and years like they used to be. And that gives me hope that someday I'll be free of it completely.

content

I am happy at the moment. And I haven't really, truly, felt that in a long while, so it's nice to say it "out loud" (so to speak).

It's not overwhelming, amazing happiness, nothing fantastic has happened to make me feel on top of the world, but I feel content. I just feel good - I don't feel stressed or anxious or miserable or drained or sad or lonely. And it's sad really how long it's been since I didn't feel any of those things.

One thing that isn't contributing to my happiness is my uni course. It's incredibly hard work, incredibly draining, and half the time I just don't feel like I can do it. I want to be able to do it, but my crappy self belief tells me I'll never be a good OT. But I think for now, just knowing that I want to do it is enough. As long as I know the end result is what I want, I just have to hope it all falls into place in the end, and not get bogged down by it in the meantime. The stress of it had started to take over my life, and now I'm realising that actually it's not my whole world. At the end of the day I need to look at it like a job - I go to work, I come home, and the rest of the time I spend with my friends, or doing the things I enjoy. It isn't my whole world.

However, one thing that is contributing to my happiness, is the new boy I'm seeing. It's been about 7 months since my last relationship which I think has been a decent amount of time to have my own space and get my head together (more together than it was before anyway!) I wasn't even really looking for anything - End Of 2009 Guy really fucked me over emotionally, and it still stings a bit even now. But something about this one seems different (god what a cliche, people always say that before it goes wrong don't they?) I just don't feel insecure at all. I'm not scared that he'll lose interest, he actually wants to spend time with me, he doesn't act like it's a chore to speak to me. We took things slowly and didn't rush into bed immediately. Basically, it's the opposite of all my previous relationships. And it's funny, at first something didn't feel right with him, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. He seemed so different to my usual type. And that's because he is - but I didn't even realise at first that it's in a good way. He makes me feel special, that I'm worth more to him than just a shag. It's been so long since I actually experienced some plain, good old-fashioned romance.

In fact, it's the exact opposite to EO2009 Guy. I had literally the best sex of my life with him - it was beyond fantastic. Which was great, except he didn't give a shit about me as a person. Whereas the new boy (I think I'll call him Welsh, since he is!) really cares me about me, but the sex isn't so good. At first that bothered me - I like sex, and I have a high sex drive. But when I thought about it I realised that casual sex is only fulfilling for so long. Having someone genuinely care about me is so much more rare and precious.

light at the end of the tunnel

In her latest blog, NerdOneirik commented on how people with mental illnesses stop blogging as soon as they get better. And how that's the best time to blog, because it shows others that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So that's what I'm doing now.

I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?

I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.

And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.

So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.

As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.

So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.

return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

happy 2009

Apologies for completely neglecting this journal over the last week. The main reason has been the simple fact that for once I've been out actually enjoying my life as opposed to wallowing and overanalysing it.

New Years Eve was a really good night for once. I usually hate New Years - there's so much pressure to have fun and I never actually end up enjoying myself. Sometimes being at a party or club surrounded by people is when I feel most alone. But I ended up having so much fun - I just wish I could feel that alive all the time.

I also have a new boy on the scene. I actually met him online, but we just clicked instantly and got on so well we decided to meet in real life, which we did last night. He's not my normal type at all, which I think is a good thing. He's outgoing and confident and witty, and around him I feel like I can be those things too. I don't feel shy and depressed and insecure, and although I doubt it'll be anything serious I'm really enjoying just having fun for once. I am severely lacking in fun in my life. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to, and then on Sunday I'm off back to uni. I really, really don't want to go back, which is funny because it used to be the exact opposite. I used to get so depressed being at home and count down the days til I could go back to uni, I suppose I'm just feeling the weight of all the work I've got to do now I'm in my final year. But I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to enjoy this brief burst of happiness while it lasts.

tears

I cried last night.

I feel like this shouldn't really be a fact worth noting. I usually well up at anything - movies, TV, adverts, the mere thought of someone I love dying - but it wasn't until last night that I realised how long it's been since I last cried. I actually wanted to cry, just to let it all out, and it took a long time for me to actually be able to produce the tears. Which is really strange for me, and it makes me wonder when the last time was that I cried. At what point did I stop being sad and just become empty inside?

But the good news is, right now I can honestly say I feel good. I had a really good driving lesson earlier and I just generally feel upbeat. I know this feeling won't last long though, so I'm just going to savour it while it lasts.