Wednesday, 25 November 2009

up and down

So much for "blogging even when you're doing well" - I haven't been writing anything, good or bad. I can't believe how long it's been, time really does fly sometimes.

I've been very up and down since the beginning of September when I last wrote. My course has generally been going well, although I did have several points where I really struggled with myself wondering whether this was really what I wanted to be doing. Although I say that, really I was struggling with whether I COULD do it, whether I was good enough. Of course I never think I'm good enough, at anything. Towards the end of my first term of lectures things were really starting to slip - I wasn't turning up to a lot of my lectures, and on my course if attendance drops below a certain level you can be kicked off. So that really wasn't clever. I'm now a week and a half into my first work placement, and it's only now that things have finally clicked into place. It sounds silly, but I'm really in love with my job and with occupational therapy. For the first time in my life I really have the feeling of "yes, this is what I'm meant to do." I've finally found something where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing something important. And I'm ALMOST beginning to feel like I might even be good at it - although there's big emphasis on the "almost" since of course I never really feel like I'm that good at anything.

I just can't seem to deal with failure and criticism at all. I know I'm better than I was, but if I do something wrong I still beat myself up over it. I can't stand being new to something and not being perfect straight away. My supervisor told me I'm doing a good job, but I still can't quite believe it. But I'm loving what I'm doing so much at the moment that the fear and anxiety isn't completely overwhelming.

Speaking of fear, I read a really good tip the other day - next time you feel anxiety or fear building up in you, just focus on the physical site of it (for me it's in my chest). It's amazing, just focusing on the feeling makes it disappear completely - so simple and there seems to be no logic to it, but it works!

Anyway, after my last blog about not wanting to be in a relationship for a while and wanting to learn to be on my own, I've maintained that. I've been single for about 3 months now and I really have no desire to be in a relationship any time soon. I guess partly it's due to cynicism - I've realised I don't actually know that many couples who are genuinely good together and are genuinely happy. Real love seems so rare. I do believe it exists, but I don't believe it really happens to girls like me. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone who can put up with all my craziness and love me for who I am. So I'm just not interested in all that right now - all relationships seem to do is make me depressed and insecure, I'd much rather be on my own and preserve my mental stability!

Although I have no desire for a romantic partner at the moment, I am incredibly lonely sometimes. I've realised I have no real, close friends anymore. I have people I socialise with, but no one I can really talk to about anything. My best friend is in ED treatment in South Africa and is dealing with enough of her own shit at the moment. As for my other best friend...well, something has changed. I'm not sure what, I just think maybe she's not the person she used to be. She's become really judgemental and harsh, and I just don't feel comfortable opening up to her anymore. So because of that, sometimes the loneliness gets really overwhelming. I've realised I'm really withdrawing from people emotionally - I just don't open up to anyone anymore. I don't depend on anyone emotionally. And for now that's "safe" for me, it means I don't get hurt and sink back into the horrible depression I was in before. But I think it's taking its toll in the long run.

Does anyone have any experience/understanding of dysthymia? I came across the term the other day, and I really think that's what I have. I've had this constant underlying depression for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 11 or 12. Possibly when I was even younger, but I can't remember back that far. Most of the time (like now) it's bearable and I can function just about, but every now and then it'll flare up into major depression. No matter what, it never really goes away. I think suddenly doing a job I love and getting that burst of happiness from it has made me realise that even when things are "OK" I never really know what it's like to be happy.

Sunday, 6 September 2009

light at the end of the tunnel

In her latest blog, NerdOneirik commented on how people with mental illnesses stop blogging as soon as they get better. And how that's the best time to blog, because it shows others that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So that's what I'm doing now.

I've struggled with depression pretty much all my life, and I've never been able to pinpoint exactly why. I was bullied at school which definitely triggered it, but that was a long time ago, so why has it stuck around?

I've just started a Masters course at university, and because of this I've had plenty of doctors and occupational health nurses trying to assess me and my suitability to the course. Part of this has involved asking me why I suffer from depression, and I could never give them an answer. There's nothing "wrong" with my life, people have been through a lot worse and survived. But as I thought about it more I realised it was nothing to do with my enviroment, it was to do with me and how I felt about myself. I really, really hated myself. I hated myself for being so shy and weird no one ever wanted to be my friend at school. I hated myself for being so ugly that no one wanted to go out with me. And even as I got older and boys started to like me and I thought maybe I might be pretty, I still hated myself for not being sexy enough and being so boring that none of them stuck around. I hated myself for never being outstanding at anything, for not being talented at anything and for never having really achieved anything.

And the hatred was so overwhelming. Have you ever really hated someone? So much that you were so filled with fury whenever you saw them, that being around them for even a second made you want to punch them in the face? Well that's how I felt about myself. I self harmed because it was my equivalent of "punching them in the face", and whenever I experienced failure or rejection the little voice in my head would pipe up to tell me what a useless, ugly, disgusting waste of space I was. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin for another second, I was so disgusted having to be around me all the time. There was no escape, it was completely overwhelming.

So that was then, this is now. And I can honestly say it's been a good few months since I've felt that overwhelming hatred. I owe a lot of it to medication - it honestly saved my life, and it infuriates me when people criticise those who take antidepressants, especially since it's always those who have never needed them who feel the need to have an opinion. So if there's anyone reading this at the moment who is struggling and is unsure whether medication is right for them - just try it. People wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a physical problem, so why the stigma against those who take it for a mental problem? Life is so precious, and if something can change your life for the better like it has mine then it's worth it a hundred times over.

As I mentioned earlier, I started university this week. And it's amazing to see how far I've come, I used to be plagued by crippling social anxiety. About four or five years ago, I never would have been able to talk to people. Why would they be interested in talking to me? I would just bore them, or even worse, run out of things to say. If I saw people talking in a group I would never go up to them and join in, why would they want me intruding? But this week I've been able to talk to people, I've been able to hold conversations, I've made people laugh. I've been able to confidently walk up to a group and join in. And the only difference is that I've finally started believe that I am interesting to talk to, that I am witty, that I do have something worth contributing. And I never, EVER, thought I would be able to do that a few years ago.

So I'm not out the tunnel yet by any means. I only just came off my medication a couple of weeks ago, and I accept that sooner or later I will probably relapse. I've been battling with this all my life, I'm aware that it's not going to have disappeared forever. But there are definitely glimmers of light, and even though I may not be permanently "better", I can do my best to ensure the day I relapse isn't today. And to anyone out there struggling: if I can do it, you can do it too. I mean that.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

facing the fear

Unsurprisingly, considering my terrible luck with the opposite sex this year, things are over with The Pianist. Apparently he's too busy in his life for a relationship at the moment. It hurt at the time, but I'm feeling OK now. I think it's time to face my fear of being alone for once. As soon as I break up with someone I feel like I have to find someone else in order to move on, and to avoid my crippling fear that I'll sink back into depression because I have nothing to focus my life on. In order to keep myself going I always have to have a particular purpose in life - I think that's why I enjoy university, because I feel like I'm working towards a goal. Being in a relationship gives me that feeling as well, especially at the beginning when the relationship is first progressing. I guess it makes sense that my relationships always falter when things begin to settle down, because that's when it gets into a routine and I don't feel like I'm moving forward any more, I lose my sense of progression and purpose.

So now I'm facing the fear. I'm not going to hide behind a relationship to give my life some purpose. And even if I do happen to meet someone, they can be my friend until I've gotten to know and trust them. I'm sick of being screwed over by unreliable, weak men. If they really do like me then they'll be genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, not just trying to get in my knickers.

Also - I read the most amazing book recently, A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. It's one of those "tragic life stories"; the concept of which I'm not a big fan of, but it's a genuinely inspiring book for anyone in recovery from addiction or a mental health problem. She completely turned her life around from being an alcoholic drug addict, and some of the things she was told in the process of her recovery which she mentions in the book I really connected with. There's a lot of talk of facing your fears as opposed to using other props to avoid the emotions you're too afraid to face. I definitely recommend it.

Sunday, 5 July 2009


Today has been hard. Seeing the ex seems to have triggered something in me - my old anxiety is back, I really don't want tomorrow to come. I'm nervous about my driving lesson, even though I know I'm a good driver and I just need practise. I'm nervous about meeting an online friend for the first time tomorrow, even though we get on really well and I know we'll have a laugh.

I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.

getting weary

Blonde came out of hospital, so we met up this evening and she seems to be doing OK. She was determined to eat normally and not purge, and she did well.

I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.

Saturday, 4 July 2009


Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

Monday, 13 April 2009

let go

I ended up contacting Ex No. 3 last night on Facebook, in a moment of weakness/madness/sadness/loneliness/nostalgia. As much of a nice guy InternetGuy is, and as much as No. 3 hurt me, I'm not over him. I really loved him, and that's not something I seem to be able to forget easily.

It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.

But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.

I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009


I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

Friday, 20 March 2009

please don't leave me

I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.

I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.

OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?

Friday, 13 March 2009


A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.

Sunday, 8 March 2009


I've hit a real low point this evening. The lowest I've been in a while. So I figure I should probably try and make sense of it.

I stopped seeing my counsellor, I just didn't turn up to my last appointment. I know I probably should have perservered, but I just found it excruciating talking about the same irrelevant things. I wasn't getting anything from it, and it was just a waste of my time. I'm gonna carry on doing my online CBT though, just because I suppose I may as well.

Things with the Internet guy are weird. It's a whole long pathetic sounding mess, but in short: we met, I wasn't attracted to him, I said we should just be friends, I developed feelings for him, we had sex, I said I didn't want want a relationship, he said he didn't want one either. I saw him this weekend and he kept asking if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, if we were officially together. He admitted he wants a relationship. I like this guy, but I'm not sure if I trust myself at the moment. I keep jumping headfirst into relationships when I have reservations, and I feel like I'm making the same mistakes over and over. I need to learn to be happy with me, not hiding my fears and depression and self-hatred by wrapping myself up in another person. It may be a cliche, but I need time to figure out who I am without someone else defining my self image.

The thing is, I like the way he sees me. He seems to see me as being someone special and beautiful, and I want to be that person. I want to believe that I'm that person. But lets face it, eventually he's going to realise I'm nothing special because that's what always happens, and I'll be straight back to feeling worthless again. Until I run straight into the arms of someone else.

My mother has always drilled it into me that you can't be happy without being in a relationship. I always "knew" that it was ridiculous, that I didn't want to be like that. But I guess I'm more like her than I realised, or want to be.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

breaking the silence

Apologies for the disappearance - I just haven't felt like writing much lately and my dissertation has become my life. I struggle to focus on anything else, and I suppose it's a good thing that I'm getting it done, but I think I'm neglecting people. I find it all too easy to isolate myself, even when I'm not drowning in coursework.

I had an interview today to join a program which can means I can work abroad this summer. I would so love to go, I think it would be exactly what I need. To get away, to excape, to explore, to have an adventure. The only problem is that my graduation ceremony is in the middle of July, if I get onto my postgrad course that will start sometime at the beginning of September, and the minimum I can work abroad for on this program is two months. I'm not really sure if the timing is going to work so I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up.

I've been chatting to this guy online, and he's coming to visit this weekend. I don't really want to talk about it because there are so many aspects of the situation where I'm not sure how I feel about it. Maybe I'll talk about it after the weekend and I know how it went. I'm just feeling slightly guarded at the moment and I have no idea why, since this is supposed to be my place where I can let everything out.

I'm still continuing with counselling, and although I feel like I'm getting more out of it I find it slightly awkward. I don't know if this is how it always is or I just have a bad counsellor, but he doesn't seem to want me to talk about deep stuff. He always says, "I don't want to make you talk about something too personal" whenever he asks about something remotely personal, but surely that's the whole point of therapy? And whenever I mention anything remotely heavy or dark he just seems to look uncomfortable, one time he actually just changed the subject completely. What have other people's experiences of therapy been like, is this normal?

Sunday, 15 February 2009


The boy and I just broke up. He'd been a twat to me all weekend, and then today he shouted at me that I'm a "stupid fuck with no common sense" because I asked him how he had a train ticket (he said he had one but I was confused because I knew he didn't). I literally just walked straight out the station and went home without saying a word, and he texted me apologising and asking if we can still be friends. I'm not that desperate for friends, thanks.

You know the saddest thing? I put up with it all weekend and forgave him at first because deep down I don't feel like I deserve any better than that. I don't really believe I'll get anything better than that. And the part of me that is so filled with self hatred enjoys seeing me get treated like that.

I suppose I should be happy that whatever self respect I have won out in the end.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009


I wish I could get drunk without severe depression kicking in. I miss alcohol being my escape. I know that's not sensible or productive, but I miss having an escape.

I feel sick, and I'm so tempted to make myself throw up again. Bingeing and purging - what a great habit to get into considering my (so called) best friend is a (so called) recovering anorexic bulimic.

Sunday, 8 February 2009


Things came to a head with the boy last night. Turns out last weekend was still playing on his mind, and all my insecurities about wasting my time on someone who wasn't really that bothered about me ending up seeping out. To cut a lot story short, things have been resolved and I'm a lot more content.

I have a presentation at uni tomorrow which would have been my worst nightmare in the past, but actually I'm OK with it. Sometimes it's nice to look back on how far I've come in terms of my social anxiety, and be proud of my progress.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

please ignore the swearing below

I am so sick of lying to people. When you're physically ill, everyone understands why you can't do things, why you struggle. But because I can't tell most people about my depression I end up having to constantly lie and make excuses, and it's so fucking exhausting.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today for lunch, but I woke up to a phone call at 1:30pm asking if we were still on. I'd woken up intermittently throughout the morning and had ultimately decided all I wanted to do was sleep. All I ever want to do is sleep. But now I'm awake I'm back to the usual guilt - I'm gutted I've wasted half the day, and let down a friend, it would have been nice to see him, and now I won't sleep tonight, etc etc. I go through this cycle of actions and thoughts almost everyday and I still always let the depression win. I'm so fucking angry at myself for constantly doing this.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counselling either. I like my counsellor, but it's not helping. And I fucking hate this CBT computer program I have to do. To be fair it would probably be useful for some people, but I know all about it already from doing a Psychology degree. I know about automatic negative thoughts, I fucking hate having to constantly be rating my mood and doing shitty activity diaries. I came into this with a really open mind and I'm almost halfway through now and I don't feel it's helping me at all.

I feel like I've ended up in the kind of one way relationship I used to let myself get involved in when I was younger with the boy. He was struggling at work all week, feeling like he was doing badly and wanting to quit, and I spent all week comforting him, making him realise he's good at his job and he shouldn't give up. But he keeps trying to play these stupid games where he jokes around and acts like he's not really that interested in me, and it's getting really tiring. I know the obvious thing to think is "well maybe he's not that interested in me", but I know he is. I don't question that he is. But it's like he has to play these stupid games to maintain some kind of power and illusion of coolness, and it's just boring now.

Last night he asked what I like about him, so I told him. So then I asked him the same thing, and he kept avoiding the question. So I asked again, and his response was "I'm off to bed now, bye."

Via text:
"You know I am gonna get bored of your games sooner or later."
About half an hour later...
"Ignore me, I'm just in a bad mood. Goodnight."
"Grumpy :P"

Great, thanks for that, when I've been there for you all week when you've been in a bad mood.

I'm am so fucking sick of everything. Argh.


Tuesday, 3 February 2009


I'm back to the old classic of pretending I'm ill so people won't question why I'm spending all day in bed, or worse, laugh at me for being lazy. People must think I have the weakest immune system/most temperamental digestive system ever.

I have a counselling session this afternoon and I've spent the last 3 hours debating whether to go. I'll hate myself if I cancel. I can't cope with going.

I can't make sense of my own head at the moment, let alone try and express my thoughts to someone else. I just plain and simply don't know why I feel like this.

Monday, 2 February 2009


I haven't got really drunk in a long time, but Saturday night was bad. Really bad.

I went to a boy from school's house with another school friend and the boy. Playing Centurion with home-made mojitos resulted in me sobbing on the kitchen floor, then later on having a huge blowout with the boy, telling him I didn't need him and screaming at him to stay away from me, apparently spitting in his face (although I don't remember this, and never thought I would be capable of it) and going into the bathroom to find something to cut with (fortunately I didn't find anything). I apologised in the morning, and amazingly he's forgiven me.

Why is it that whenever I end up with something remotely good in my life I have to press the self destruct button? Why do I do it? In relationships I push and push them, I'm constantly testing them to see how much they'll put up with. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fuck up another good thing. I can't help but be filled with self-hatred, I really don't deserve him.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

self image

How would you describe yourself? (in a word or in a short sentence)

I've been asked to fill in this worksheet to do with self esteem and self image by my counsellor, and I'm really struggling with it. One of the questions was "describe your core belief about yourself/your personality" and in the end all I could come up with was "nothing special". Because I can't think what else I am. I don't know who I am.

I've also been asked to write down what I like about myself, and that is a HUGE struggle to answer. I suppose I like to consider myself a compassionate person, but then I still feel like I'm selfish a lot of the time, which causes a lot of guilt. I know everyone has to be selfish sometimes but...I just don't feel like I'm a good person.

So how would you describe yourself? I'm interested to hear what other people would say.

Sunday, 25 January 2009


After having a serious conversation about our past relationships, I told the boy about my depression. Turns out his ex was on antidepressants too. I suppose it's true what they say that mental health problems are more common than you think!

I've done absolutely nothing the last couple of days, I have no energy. It's because my sleeping patterns are completely fucked up - I fell asleep at 4am last night and woke up at 2pm today. I really wanted to go to the Holocaust Memorial Day event in town today as well, I'm so annoyed at myself. I hate being like this. I think if/when I can force myself to get up I'm gonna go into town and get some sleeping pills, I can't carry on like this anymore.

Friday, 23 January 2009

time to change

This campaign is currently running in the UK, and I'm really pleased. It's definitely overdue.


I didn't end up telling The New Boy about my depression. I am a coward. I was kind of hoping he would see my Citalopram and ask about them - he did see them, but he assumed they were contraceptive pills and I kind of didn't correct him. Oops.

I know I should be honest, I know it's not healthy for our relationship for me to be hiding myself from him, but at the same time I like that he doesn't know about that side of me. I like that around him I'm not the "depressed girl", the fact that he doesn't know encourages me to keep my depressiveness (is that a word?) under wraps. If he knew it would be all too easy to start getting depressed around him, and I don't want to be that person. I've been genuinely happy the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose that.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. It went quite well, but it's unfortunate in a way that I'm not currently in a depressed phase at the moment. I don't think I'm going to get as much out of it as I could do because I am happy at the moment, which is actually a bit annoying! But I've probably jinxed it now, I'm sure I'll slip back into depression next week, ha. My counsellor is quite hot as well, how Freudian is that! But considering a) he's married (I checked out the ring finger) and b) he heard me go on about my relationship issues yesterday, I don't think the feelings will be mutual somehow!

I also have loads of homework to do for my counsellor as well. As if I didn't have enough work to do at the moment! I'm following this online CBT program called Beating the Blues - it's so incredibly cheesy (although my counsellor warned me it would be), at one point it had to type in things that had upset me in the week, and a computerised voice said "that must have been very difficult for you", haha. Oh well, I shall perservere.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

the new boy

So, I officially have a boyfriend now.

I'm happy, but the big question is, do I tell him about my depression?

Actually, I know the answer. I know I should tell him. I've had a serious relationship in the past where I hid it, and it didn't do me any good at all. If it freaks him out then it's better to learn that now than to have it constantly hanging over my head through our relationship and causing me to put up a barrier.

I guess I'll be telling him when he comes to visit this weekend, wish me luck.

My laptop is being taken away to be repaired tomorrow so I won't be able to blog for a while, take care everyone and hopefully I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

happy 2009

Apologies for completely neglecting this journal over the last week. The main reason has been the simple fact that for once I've been out actually enjoying my life as opposed to wallowing and overanalysing it.

New Years Eve was a really good night for once. I usually hate New Years - there's so much pressure to have fun and I never actually end up enjoying myself. Sometimes being at a party or club surrounded by people is when I feel most alone. But I ended up having so much fun - I just wish I could feel that alive all the time.

I also have a new boy on the scene. I actually met him online, but we just clicked instantly and got on so well we decided to meet in real life, which we did last night. He's not my normal type at all, which I think is a good thing. He's outgoing and confident and witty, and around him I feel like I can be those things too. I don't feel shy and depressed and insecure, and although I doubt it'll be anything serious I'm really enjoying just having fun for once. I am severely lacking in fun in my life. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to, and then on Sunday I'm off back to uni. I really, really don't want to go back, which is funny because it used to be the exact opposite. I used to get so depressed being at home and count down the days til I could go back to uni, I suppose I'm just feeling the weight of all the work I've got to do now I'm in my final year. But I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to enjoy this brief burst of happiness while it lasts.