I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.
I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.
It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.
OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?
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I do not think that everyone feels the way that we do. I'm not sure even if I have felt the way you have or vice versa. I do not think that we feel the same way "normal" people feel, as far as one can actually be "normal." It is one of depression's damaging aspects to make us think that everyone feels the same as us but we're the weak ones for letting it affect us.
I had a profound moment once, in this moment I had been thinking about depression. Somehow, and I'm not sure exactly how or why, I had a glimpse into what other people must think of those of us who are depressed. I stood wondering how it could possibly be that a person could be so miserable. It seemed impossible to me, even though had suffered with depression for years. For the life of me I couldn't understand how anyone could be in so much pain. The puzzlement was so pronounced that I found myself concluding that depressed people just needed to snap out of it. And then as quickly as that moment had come it was gone. I remembered all the pain I went through in my life and it disproved everything I had just thought. But it had allowed me to understand, if only for a second, just how baffling the whole depression issue could be. Especially to those who have never been depressed themselves. I think this is part of the reason why people are so dissmisive of people who suffer with mental illness. We are not visabely crippled even though we are emotionally. We can manage to function to some degree even though we're constanly disconnecting with the world. And so what people cannot see they assume cannot be.
It is one of depression's damaging aspects to make us think that everyone feels the same as us but we're the weak ones for letting it affect us.
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. One of my biggest fears is that everyone feels like this deep down, I'm just weak and pathetic for not being able to deal with it like everyone else can. And if that's true, it means there's probably no way for me to get better.
Thanks for the insightful words as always :)
Think of it this way. Instead of believing yourself weak you should pride yourself on having managed the terrible illness of depression so well.
My brain has literally tried to kill me. And I think this is the case for everyone who suffers from depression. (This is another thing people don't get. The fact that depression IS a life threatening condition.) Now are you living your life to the fullest of a "normal" person's potential? No, probably not. But then your not "normal." I don't believe you have the same advatages of the so called normal people. You have a brain that can't see the good when it happens. You've been deprived all all emotions except the bad ones. Yet from reading your blog I can tell that you are doing the best you can with your life. Your doing better than some people who have less to worry about. This is an accomplishment, it makes you special as opposed to normal. But yes it is very hard, I know.
Now I know that everyone goes through hardships. A friend of mine likes to say "If you think someone has it easy you don't know them well enough." But I do think everyone's hardships are different. I doubt that most people have to wake up every day and convince themselves to keep living. But they all have challenges.
I think I have said this before but I believe we can get get better. I don't know how, and I'm not even sure why I believe it. It could be that the alternative is just to dismal to contenplate.
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