struggling

I've hit a real low point this evening. The lowest I've been in a while. So I figure I should probably try and make sense of it.

I stopped seeing my counsellor, I just didn't turn up to my last appointment. I know I probably should have perservered, but I just found it excruciating talking about the same irrelevant things. I wasn't getting anything from it, and it was just a waste of my time. I'm gonna carry on doing my online CBT though, just because I suppose I may as well.

Things with the Internet guy are weird. It's a whole long pathetic sounding mess, but in short: we met, I wasn't attracted to him, I said we should just be friends, I developed feelings for him, we had sex, I said I didn't want want a relationship, he said he didn't want one either. I saw him this weekend and he kept asking if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, if we were officially together. He admitted he wants a relationship. I like this guy, but I'm not sure if I trust myself at the moment. I keep jumping headfirst into relationships when I have reservations, and I feel like I'm making the same mistakes over and over. I need to learn to be happy with me, not hiding my fears and depression and self-hatred by wrapping myself up in another person. It may be a cliche, but I need time to figure out who I am without someone else defining my self image.

The thing is, I like the way he sees me. He seems to see me as being someone special and beautiful, and I want to be that person. I want to believe that I'm that person. But lets face it, eventually he's going to realise I'm nothing special because that's what always happens, and I'll be straight back to feeling worthless again. Until I run straight into the arms of someone else.

My mother has always drilled it into me that you can't be happy without being in a relationship. I always "knew" that it was ridiculous, that I didn't want to be like that. But I guess I'm more like her than I realised, or want to be.