Sunday, 16 May 2010

blessings

Last week, a friend who I haven't seen for ages messaged me and asked if I fancied going out for a drink. Well I say a friend, when I think about it I think we've only actually met a handful of times. But it was one of those things where the first time we met we just clicked instantly. I hadn't seen him in ages and in my current insecure state, I was convinced that I'd have nothing to say to him. That it would be awkward, that he would think I was boring. I was nervous but I forced myself to go, thinking the worst case scenario was that I could just leave after one drink.

As it turns out, we had so much fun. The conversation just flowed, and it made me realise - I'm not a complete freak. Being on this university course seems to have destroyed my confidence; since September I haven't made any real friends, and it's made me feel like the same awkward weird girl I was at school. I seem to have forgotten how to make friends, and I resigned myself to the "fact" that I'm just not a fun person to be around. I guess this one night out renewed my confidence and made me realise I am a fun, interesting person.

It also made me realise that part of the reason I have so few friends is that I never put myself out there. I never ask people if they want to meet up, I always wait for them to ask me. I'm so afraid of rejection that I never take the chance. So in the spirit of self improvement, I emailed my tutor group at university last Thursday and asked if they fancied meeting up for a catch up drink, since it's been about six weeks since we've been at uni.

Today is Sunday, and not one person has replied. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel a sort of calm acceptance - I pushed my boundaries and took a risk and for that I'm proud of myself. I can accept now that these people are not my friends and never will be, but most importantly, that's alright. I have people who love me - it may not be a lot, but I feel blessed to have even one person who truly cares about me. Things with Welsh are really wonderful, every day I feel lucky to have him. I realise now that I am worthy of being loved, I am interesting and fun and a good friend. And if certain people don't like me - screw 'em.

3 comments:

Tonjia said...

Well said. I don't have many friends myself, as I have no use whatsoever for small talk. I want to converse about the mysteries of the universe. About 98% of the population wants to talk about the last big game, or their favorite reality show. Bblick, and double bliiickkk. I have a tiny handful of precious friends. Have you taken the briggs myer personality test? you can do it online. it might help you understand you better. It really helped me understand some weird things about me. :)

Anonymous said...

Thats it girl.
God bless you

Anonymous said...

oh.... where are you? :(