Friday, 16 July 2010

i'm fine

"How are you?"

What I think:
"I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm scared that you don't really know me at all, because if you did you would realise what a worthless piece of shit I am. I'm scared waiting for the day to come that you realise this. I know I'm no fun to be around at the moment and eventually you're just going to get bored of it. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, and I don't think that's enough. Eventually you'll realise that you could do so much better. And the main reason I'm scared of losing you is because having you in my life is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Losing you would be like having the floor pulled out from under me, I know I wouldn't be able to keep it together any more. You're the only thing keeping me from cutting because I wouldn't know what to say if you saw the scars. And you deserve so much better than this. You deserve better than an ugly, stupid, annoying waste of space. If I wasn't so selfish I would let you go find someone who is actually good enough for you."

What I say:
"I'm fine."


Ruby Tuesday said...

I can relate so much to this post; the fears you lay out here are ones that are very present in my head at the moment. I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes trying to be a little bit more honest helps, as difficult as it can be. Take care

FONT LOVER said...

keep up the good work 0_0

something more than ordinary said...

I go through a similar process with everyone that asks me this throughout the day. I know they're just trying to make small talk. I know that all the want to here is "I'm fine," or "I'm good." But those are the last things I want to say because they're all lies. And I know the last thing that they want to hear is how I'm really feeling.

They don't want to hear about how I wake up and talk myself out of suicide. Or how that while they look out side and see sun shine and fresh air I see hell. And they don't want to hear that it takes all my courage to look them in the eye and say "I'm okay," even though I'm not.

Sounds like your talking to someone you really care about, someone who's close to you. I agree with Ruby Tuesday, perhaps trying to share yourself with this person is worth it. Because if you don't how close can you truly be with them.

I have a close friend that a share a little bit of my dark world with. I try not to over burden him with my depression because I know it's hard to deal with it. But sharing helps. And he's a good enough friend to stick it out. But it is so hard being honest enough with a person and showing them your weakness, your darkness, your fears. It's like arming them with what you know can be used to hurt you. It's risking scaring them away with the truth of who you are. Truth does not necessarily make us happy. But it may be worth the risk.