please ignore the swearing below

I am so sick of lying to people. When you're physically ill, everyone understands why you can't do things, why you struggle. But because I can't tell most people about my depression I end up having to constantly lie and make excuses, and it's so fucking exhausting.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today for lunch, but I woke up to a phone call at 1:30pm asking if we were still on. I'd woken up intermittently throughout the morning and had ultimately decided all I wanted to do was sleep. All I ever want to do is sleep. But now I'm awake I'm back to the usual guilt - I'm gutted I've wasted half the day, and let down a friend, it would have been nice to see him, and now I won't sleep tonight, etc etc. I go through this cycle of actions and thoughts almost everyday and I still always let the depression win. I'm so fucking angry at myself for constantly doing this.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counselling either. I like my counsellor, but it's not helping. And I fucking hate this CBT computer program I have to do. To be fair it would probably be useful for some people, but I know all about it already from doing a Psychology degree. I know about automatic negative thoughts, I fucking hate having to constantly be rating my mood and doing shitty activity diaries. I came into this with a really open mind and I'm almost halfway through now and I don't feel it's helping me at all.

I feel like I've ended up in the kind of one way relationship I used to let myself get involved in when I was younger with the boy. He was struggling at work all week, feeling like he was doing badly and wanting to quit, and I spent all week comforting him, making him realise he's good at his job and he shouldn't give up. But he keeps trying to play these stupid games where he jokes around and acts like he's not really that interested in me, and it's getting really tiring. I know the obvious thing to think is "well maybe he's not that interested in me", but I know he is. I don't question that he is. But it's like he has to play these stupid games to maintain some kind of power and illusion of coolness, and it's just boring now.

Last night he asked what I like about him, so I told him. So then I asked him the same thing, and he kept avoiding the question. So I asked again, and his response was "I'm off to bed now, bye."

Via text:
"You know I am gonna get bored of your games sooner or later."
"?"
About half an hour later...
"Ignore me, I'm just in a bad mood. Goodnight."
"Grumpy :P"

Great, thanks for that, when I've been there for you all week when you've been in a bad mood.

I'm am so fucking sick of everything. Argh.

/rant