falling

Today has been hard. Seeing the ex seems to have triggered something in me - my old anxiety is back, I really don't want tomorrow to come. I'm nervous about my driving lesson, even though I know I'm a good driver and I just need practise. I'm nervous about meeting an online friend for the first time tomorrow, even though we get on really well and I know we'll have a laugh.

I think I'm freaked out over the realisation that I really miss The Pianist already. I'm used to talking to him everyday, and so many little things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of him and made me think I should text him, and I can't. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I barely know this guy, but at the same time it's been a long time since I've fallen for someone this fast. I just don't want to get hurt yet again.

getting weary

Blonde came out of hospital, so we met up this evening and she seems to be doing OK. She was determined to eat normally and not purge, and she did well.

I happened to bump into Ex No.3 while we were out, which was the first time I've seen him since we broke up 9 months ago. It was odd. I feel strange now, I'm not sure how to describe it - kind of sad, I guess. Although he looked really good, I'm not sad in that I miss him or want him back. I think it just brought back how much he hurt me, and how scared I am of getting in deep with The Pianist. I really thought Ex No.3 was the one, and he left me when I needed him most. I'm just terrified of that happening again. I'm only 22, and I'm already getting weary of dating and having my heart broken.

return

Don't worry, I'm still alive. I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post - I'm not really sure what happened. I guess I just got really busy with exams, everything in my life seemed to get pushed to the back burner around that time.

So to pick up where I left off, things didn't end up working out with Internet Guy. In fact it didn't last much longer than my latest blog - not because of the cheating, but because we just weren't right for each other in the end. But we're still keeping in touch, and he still keeps asking me for sex even though he has a new girlfriend, which confirms that us breaking up was the right thing to do.

Since Internet Guy I had another "thing" with a guy we'll call Posh. Posh was gorgeous, intelligent, had studied at Cambridge, was incredibly rich and incredibly fucked up and arrogant. In the end it became apparent that he thought he was better than me; needless to say that didn't last long. And to bring you up to date, a few days ago I had a date with The Pianist. I'm pretty wary at the moment due to my dating disasters this year and I'm not getting my hopes up, but he really seems lovely, funny and on my wavelength. As the name suggests, he's a classical pianist and really talented, and he's just a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately he went on holiday this morning, but hopefully I'll see him again when he gets back in a week.

University is all over now - as of next week I'll be a graduate. I got a 2.1 which I'm really pleased with, and I had a fantastic time once my exams had finished saying goodbye to university life. And now I'm home. I was really worried I would just sink straight into depression, university has meant so much to me and I used to not be able to imagine life after it had ended. But surprisingly I'm doing really well, I've been keeping busy and the expected slump hasn't occured yet. I'm still on my anti-depressants and they're an absolute lifesaver, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this good without them. I've been having driving lessons again with nowhere near as much anxiety as I used to, and for the first time in about a year I really feel genuinely happy and content. I feel nervous writing that because I know sooner or later I'll plummet, but I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows though. Blonde, my best friend, was rushed to hospital the other day. She's an anorexic bulimic and in pretty bad shape, apparently her potassium levels dropped really low and an ECG found something wrong with her heart. I'm getting really scared now, but at the same time I think this is the push she's been needing to turn her life around. Any denial she's had that she's doing fine is gone - I think she's finally realising that actually she doesn't want to die. She was planning on going to South Africa for treatment soon, so hopefully she'll be off as soon as possible. As much as I'll miss her, I'd much rather have the best friend I used to know back.

I'm also getting really worried about getting a job. I didn't get on the postgraduate course I wanted because (I think) I don't have enough experience, but I just don't know how I'm going to get the experience needed. I've been applying for occupational therapy assistant jobs but they're really competitive. I've also been trying for healthcare assistant posts but the ridiculous thing is that I'm probably overqualified, and I don't have any care experience. How the hell do you get experience when no one will give you a job?

let go

I ended up contacting Ex No. 3 last night on Facebook, in a moment of weakness/madness/sadness/loneliness/nostalgia. As much of a nice guy InternetGuy is, and as much as No. 3 hurt me, I'm not over him. I really loved him, and that's not something I seem to be able to forget easily.

It was just a casual, small-talk message, for the record. As much as I miss how he used to be, he's not that person anymore and I haven't forgotten that, I'm under no impression that even if he replies we'll be getting back together. I still haven't forgiven him for being so cruel to me after we broke up, when he knew I was going through a hard time.

But I know he still reads my old non-anonymous blog because it comes up on my visitor tracker, and I can't get my head around it. He's still interested in hearing about my life when he doesn't want anything to do with me as a person? It doesn't make sense. And typically enough, he went on my blog today even though he hasn't replied to my message.

I know he's a lost cause and we're never going to be able to salvage any kind of friendship, I've given up on him so many times. But I never really seem to be able to let go.

space

I'm back home now for the Easter holidays, and it's really nice to be home. The last week of term was slightly surreal, for lack of a better word. I had my big birthday celebration where some friends from home came to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but I ended up kissing Ex No.2. This isn't actually as monumental an event as it sounds, I don't think either of us saw it is anything more than a bit of fun, but I'm supposed to be "officially" with InternetGuy. I've never cheated on anyone before, it's so out of character for me.

I realised I did it because deep down I'm scared he'll cheat on me, because he cheated on his ex. I guess it isn't really that out of character for me to try and carry out some kind of pre-emptive attack. I'm always defensive, I'm always assessing every situation in terms of whether I'll get hurt or not. But I was honest about what happened to InternetGuy, and fortunately he's forgiven me. It's definitely not something I plan to repeat.

So now I'm home. And although mood-wise I'm doing relatively OK, I haven't told any of my friends I'm home. I'm feeling quite irritable lately, which I haven't had since coming off the contraceptive pill a few months ago, and I just don't feel like being around people. I'm struggling to want to maintain my friendship with my best friend; I love her like a sister, but her eating disorder is pushing us apart. I don't know how to help her, and it hurts too much to watch her do it to herself and hear her lie to me about it constantly. And as for my other best friend - ugh, I'm probably being a bitch, but I'm sick of her know-it-all attitude. She has an opinion on everything I do, and half the time she doesn't even know what she's talking about. Yet she always thinks she knows best.

I think I just need some space for now.

please don't leave me

I don't tend to like Pink much, but I really love her latest album. I actually can't remember the last time an album affected me this deeply, a lot of the songs hit a bit too close to home. It's funny actually, I say I'm not a fan of Pink, but her Missundaztood album really reminds me of the deep depression I was in in the summer I was 15. That was one of my real low points - I remember listening to that album as I sat on my window ledge hiding behind the curtains, wishing I could hide away from the world.

I don't know what it is about hiding away that makes me feel safe. I slept for about 12 hours last night - I woke up in the morning, and immediately stuck my head under the covers and went back to sleep. Hiding under my duvet in the morning is probably where I feel safest and happiest, how sad is that? I wish I knew what I was so scared of with facing the world.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a cake, presents, more birthday wishes than I expected, from people I didn't even think would be thinking of me. And I don't feel happy. Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just feel normal emotions?! I am so fucking ungrateful for what I have.

OK, I know that's not true. I know it's not my fault I feel like this, and I can't just snap myself out of it. I'm just tired of feeling...nothing. I wasn't actually particularly stressed over my dissertation, and that freaked me out. It should be a good thing. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe I'm overanalysing and I was just more organised than everyone else and I should be proud of myself. But I never seem to feel "appropriate" emotions anymore. I'm not happy when I should be, I'm not stressed or anxious when I should be, I'm anxious over little things that I shouldn't be. I would give anything to know whether this is what depression is, or whether it's actually normal and everyone else just manages to hide it really well?

understanding

A while ago I thought I might be bipolar because of how often my moods and thoughts and feelings can flip 180. (I then looked up the symptoms of bipolar disorder and realised that wasn't me at all, but still.) So much of what I do is driven by fear - I'm constantly changing my mind on things partly depending on whether the fear has taken over or not.

I came close to ending things with InternetGuy and thought - why? Why am I doing this? Because I'm scared it won't work out? What's the point of living if I'm just going to be scared of getting hurt or making mistakes all the time? Whenever I have something good in my life I always go into self=destruct mode and set out to ruin it just so I don't have to take the risk of things going wrong at a later point.

I like him, I like spending time with him, and we're not going to be getting married tomorrow. It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that.

I think part of the reason I got so upset was because of what one of my friends said. I told her about IG, and she just basically told me I shouldn't be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't take advice from someone who's been single for over a year and has been hung up on the same guy for about three years who's using her for sex (ooh, bitchy), but my friends' opinions mean a lot to me. I probably shouldn't take them as gospel as much as I do. Especially since the before-mentioned friend has become so cold and unsympathetic lately. She's currently on anti-depressants as well, although her depression isn't as severe as mine, and she says she feels ready to come off them soon. But now she's feeling better it's like she's lost all empathy when it comes to depression. She thinks that because she's overcome it everyone else should be able to as well, forgetting it's not always that easy for everyone else.

She's one of my best friends and I used to be able to tell her everything, now I rarely seem to feel like she understands. It just makes me feel even more alone.