coda

I finally went to OA and CODA today, and loved it. I wasn't really sure what to expect - well, I was expecting a load of touchy feely peace and love bullshit, which is what I got I suppose, but somehow it worked. I really feel like I got something out of it, and it was a really comfortable environment. I think I'm going to try and find a CODA in my area when I go back to uni.

Funnily enough, my friend bumped into a famous comedian and TV presenter (and equally famous drug addict) on the way to the toilets, he must have been going to NA. I'm dying to tell people who but...anonymity and all!

I'm going away for a few days over the New Year period, so happy new year everyone. Let's hope this year will be better than the last.

xmas

Merry Christmas everyone, I really hope you all had a good day.

My day went suprisingly well, I actually had quite a good laugh with the family, and dinner was lovely. I also found out that No.3 had to work on Christmas Day which cheered me up in an extremely pathetic way.

I went driving with my dad today which was horrendous. His car was completely different to what I was used to, and I got off to a bad start by accidentally putting myself in third gear instead of first when I stopped at a junction, and wondered why the car kept stalling when I tried to drive off (took me about five tries before my dad realised what the problem was). I ended up having to pull over to burst into tears, and then spent the rest of the drive trying to fight back more tears. My dad said I did well, but I think he was just patronising me, and of course I have to beat myself up over it either way.

onwards and upwards

I didn't end up going to the meeting, which I'm really annoyed at myself about because I really think it would have been a good experience for me. I've sunk so low into my depression the last few days that just getting out of bed and getting dressed to go out has seemed the world's most daunting task. Eventually my dad came round this morning and forced me to get up and go out with him, which I appreciate now even though I didn't earlier when I was lying in bed with a pillow over my head wanting to block out the whole world.

I finally got a message back from The Ex (Ex No.3 - I should probably come up with better names for them) after I sent him a "Merry Christmas" type message last week. He mentioned something about feeling run down, and I fought the urge to reply and ask what was wrong. I have to realise that if he's going to decide to abandon me when I'm at my lowest then he doesn't deserve anything from me. It's a small step for mankind but a big step for me and my co-dependency issues!


Oh, and I think I was right - I was developing feelings for Ex No.2 again for the wrong reasons.

co-dependency

My best friend is a recovering anorexic bulimic, and she's invited me to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting tomorrow. It should be interesting. It's mainly just so she can share what it's like with me since she's a big fan of the twelve step program and it's been a big part of her recovery (she followed a twelve step program in rehab), but after discussing our co-dependency issues she suggested that if I like the meeting tomorrow we could try going to Co-Dependents Anonymous together. I didn't know such a thing existed, but apparently it does. I didn't even realise I was co-dependent until my friend labelled it as such, but according to the website it seems to fit me pretty well:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never 'good enough'.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
• I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
• I accept sex when I want love.
• I have to be 'needed' in order to have a relationship with others.

That isn't even the full list, just the ones that apply to me. I always knew I had issues with relationships and needing to feel needed, but it's interesting to be able to give it a name.

tired

The last week has been quite hectic, hence the lack of posting. I've been feeling pretty good actually over the last couple of days, I went out socialising (and really enjoyed it) for the first time in a while on Thursday night, and Friday was spent rushing around handing in my coursework, going to the doctor and meeting Ex N0.2 for the first time since May. And of course packing to come home.

Seeing the ex was lovely - a bit too lovely, I don't think I'm over him. Which is so not a good situation. I ultimately chose Ex No.3 over him, and I wouldn't want him to think I'm crawling back to him now it's over with the other guy. I'm not even entirely over the other guy, and I'm not sure if I'm developing feelings for him again for the wrong reasons.

I'm just realising how much I underestimated him when we were together, it's only since we split up that I've realised how (freakishly) similar we were are so many ways. I kept myself so guarded because I was always convinced he wouldn't understand me and my depression, but now I feel like he probably would have done if I've given him the chance. I'm really noticing the difference in maturity level between him and No.3, who I always thought understood me and my depression but ultimately didn't at all. But I'm keeping my feelings to myself at the moment, it would just be nice to meet up with him again after Christmas and see how it goes.

So my mood was pretty good for a few days, I seemed to have incredible amounts of energy. I thought maybe my meds were finally having an effect, until I crashed today. I woke up at 10:30am, texted my friend to tell her I didn't have the energy to come meet her in town, woke up again at 1:30pm when my mum came home from work, and then woke up again at 6pm. It's 9:30pm now, and I still want to sleep.

I think the lack of energy is probably the hardest part of my depression. I can pretend to be happy, I can put on a front and function well enough, but when I have such extreme tiredness I just can't function. And then everyone wonders why I'm so tired, and usually makes fun of me for being lazy when I spend all day in bed and/or miss lectures and social events because of it. And since I take criticism (or what I percieve to be criticism) so hard, it hurts when I can't make them understand that I can't help it, either because I haven't told them about my depression or they just don't understand.

It's my good friend's birthday tomorrow and I want to be looking forward to it, but really I just want to sleep.

suicide

Tonight I had thoughts of suicide. And you know the first thing that popped into my head, my number one reason for not killing myself? I hadn't shaved my legs. I don't want to leave a hairy-legged corpse.

You have to laugh really...

diagnosis

I had my second doctor's appointment today, and (I think!) I have officially been diagnosed with severe depression.

He asked me some set questions all beginning with "In the last two weeks how often have you..." and the only one I didn't answer with "everyday" was "have you felt a lack of concentration?" Go me. I don't think he even realised how bad it was before he did this assessment.
"In the last two weeks have you had thoughts of harming yourself?"
"Yes."
"But not that you would act on." (Like it went without saying)
"Um...no...I have actually..."

At the end, after I'd told him I've had a lack of pleasure in doing things, had a low mood, had negative thoughts about myself, wanted to sleep all the time, had very little appetite and had thoughts of harming myself pretty much everyday for the last two weeks, he said, "So it appears you have severe depression." Ha, you think?!

For the record, I do really like him, he comes across as really understanding, but I found the whole assessment process quite amusing. Maybe that's just my weird sense of humour.

But despite all this, today has been the first day since I can remember that I actually felt good all day. It feels like I've been walking on eggshells with myself all day though - constantly being on edge wondering what's going to send me back down, trying to block out all negative thoughts in case my mood switches. Actually it's like trying to tread water when you've got nothing to hold on to - as soon as you start sinking you concentrate all your effort on frantically kicking to get yourself afloat again, and you feel good for not letting yourself sink. But in the back of your mind you have the sinking feeling (no pun intended) that eventually it's going to become too tiring and you won't be able to keep yourself afloat anymore.

tears

I cried last night.

I feel like this shouldn't really be a fact worth noting. I usually well up at anything - movies, TV, adverts, the mere thought of someone I love dying - but it wasn't until last night that I realised how long it's been since I last cried. I actually wanted to cry, just to let it all out, and it took a long time for me to actually be able to produce the tears. Which is really strange for me, and it makes me wonder when the last time was that I cried. At what point did I stop being sad and just become empty inside?

But the good news is, right now I can honestly say I feel good. I had a really good driving lesson earlier and I just generally feel upbeat. I know this feeling won't last long though, so I'm just going to savour it while it lasts.

the future

Things still aren't improving. I'm still wanting to sleep all the time, I still have no desire to eat, things still seem hopeless.

I'm starting to obsess over the future. When I finish university I want to do an Occupational Therapy MSc, which is going to be a really intensive course. What if I can't do it? What if I can't cope? I'm going to be going back to living with my mum who barely talks to me, and now my sister's moved out I'm going to be pretty much on my own. I've only really got my best friend at home that I can socialise with, and I have so much trouble making friends that there's no guarantees I'll make friends on my course. And similarly, I can't imagine there'll be many opportunities for me to meet guys, so getting a boyfriend will be pretty unlikely. And once I graduate, then what? I pinned all my hopes of happiness on finding a job that I'll love, and I do love occupational therapy, but come on, this is me - I'm never going to be happy at anything I do am I?

family

I'm feeling a bit better today. I was supposed to go to the pub for a friend's birthday last night and I was in two minds whether to go; on the one hand I could have done with having some fun, and on the other I was beyond exhausted and had a driving lesson in the morning. In the end I decided to be good and stay in - I was tucked up in bed by 10pm and it really helped. My mood still isn't great today, but I was able to concentrate on my driving lesson and I got 1500 words of my dissertation done, so I can call it a successful day overall. I don't know if it's the meds kicking in or what, but I didn't feel the usual level of anxiety before my lesson either.

I told my parents about the anti-depressants earlier. I was in two minds whether to do it, but I'm glad I did in the end, they were both really understanding. My relationship with my family has always been a bit of a strange one - my parents are absolutely fantastic and have done so much for me, but at the same time I've always felt like I had to be strong for them and my sister, even though I'm the youngest. My mum has struggled with depression since my parents split up, and I've always had to be the one to comfort her when she's burst into tears in the kitchen, or when she's complaining about being single. She has a very childish, black and white view of the world in a lot of ways; i.e. she doesn't believe it's possible to be happy if you're single, and I've seen her be incredibly clingy when dating. When you think that's she's supposed to be my obvious role model of how to act with men, no wonder I've got so many relationship issues! I love her and I've never felt resentful for having to be there for her, I've just never wanted to burden her with my issues. For a long time we just didn't get on at all, partly because of how she is and partly because I took all my frustration and unhappiness out on her, but since I left home to go to university we've become a lot closer. But for example, last week when we were talking on the phone she was telling me about her jealousy over her boyfriend spending time with his ex and I was the one listening and trying to advise her - surely the mother-daughter relationship should be the other way round?!

My dad is incredibly understanding but he's also very sensitive and a big worrier. When I was younger I used to talk to him about everything, but he just used to get so worried and constantly try and force me to talk about my problems when I didn't want to, to the point where I stopped telling him things. He does so much for me financially that I felt like that was enough, I didn't want to burden him with everything else.

My sister and I are really close, we're very similar people and we get on so well. I can remember so many times when I've sat with her while she's been crying, trying to comfort her and help her with her problems, but I can barely think of any examples of when she's done it for me. Not because she doesn't care or she wouldn't, but because I don't let her. I'm the one who looks out for her, not the other way around.

I've always felt like I'm the one who has to be strong and take care of everyone else. Maybe that's not the case, and it's a role I've created for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm starting to allow myself to depend on others for once.

hope

I seem to have lost all hope over the last few days. I used to believe that things would get better, I used to believe that the fight was worth it, and now I've lost and it and I don't know how to get it back.

I'm tired. I'm tired of struggling, of being like this, of hating myself. I just want to be someone else for a while.